I've mentioned that as I prepare to move, I've had to start saying goodbyes. It started when I finished the show in North Syracuse, then the show in Bville, soon it will be friends and family, but goodbyes aren't necessarily goodbyes. I like to see them as "till next time!" situations. We don't know how or when we'll see each other again, but there's always the knowledge that it could happen. Maybe when it's planned, and even more fun is when it's not planned.
Then there are the worst goodbyes. The kinds that happen when we don't want them to, when we are unprepared and the kind that don't have a "till next time" option. This, as most of you know, is what my family went through one month ago.
My brother-in-law, Steve-o, just 33, died suddenly Sunday night, May 20th around 11pm. It sucked. Actually, it still sucks. And I have so much I want to say about it but I wouldn't know where to begin. It has been an insane time and we're all getting by minute by minute sometimes.
You see, I want to bitch about the unfairness of it all. I want to yell and scream that it's just not fair. He was not ready to go, and my sister should not have to go through this. I also want to yell about how unfair it is that lives will go on and people will return to their daily routine, (and this includes me) but life in Stan's house will forever be changed. There will develop a new sense of "normal" or what that will be for them from here on out, but it just sucks.
Now, I have a small bone to pick here and I'm certain it may offend some but I also think if you took a step back and gave it a good thought, you may agree with me.
People all need to grieve in their own way. Everyone knows this is a hard time for Stan and her family. What I don't understand is people asking "How are you?" or "How is it going today?" Because, your life has probably moved along and you spared a thought for Stan and decided to check in, or maybe you ran into her somewhere and remembered she's been suffering for awhile, so the best thing for you to do is bring it all back up and ask her.
My question here is, what do you think her response is going to be? Do you REALLY think that in just one month she is going to tell you everything is fine? She's doing great and can't wait for another week to start? I know people are not being rude when they ask, au contraire they are being quite polite and thoughtful but they need to take that thoughtfulness a step further. Would YOU want to be constantly reminded of the single most horific event in your life every time you talk to the general public? Neither does she. So please, for the love of Pete, spare a thought for her and the kids, but spare an extra thought and find another way to share that thought. Buy a mass card, donate to a charity, do some good in this world... just don't give the sad pity eyes and expect a dissertation on the goings on in our daily lives as we all struggle to deal with this.
I should also add that we are doing okay, all things considered. Kelley has been back at work for 2 weeks and does not lay in bed crying every night. She goes out, she's been social. She smiles and laughs at funny things, and when something reminds her of Steve we talk about it and spend some time remembering him. There is so much negativity in the world and so much to fear it makes no sense to any of us why you'd spend your waking minutes dwelling on negativity and being negative. It's just not the Moriarty way. If you do want to know more or want to check in on Stan, ask me. I would love nothing more than to intercept those questions of sympathy and deal with them all for her so she doesn't have to see the pity eyes. Or you can just accept that it still sucks, it's going to suck, and we all are moving forward as best we can.
In looking towards the positive of all of this, the kindness of people is overwhelming. The outpouring of love, generosity and support from you has helped us all get through this. Letters, cards, money, FOOD, cleaning, (pending) yard work, even your presence has been recognized and appreciated. It is humbling to see so many kind and generous people show up to support my sister in what is single handedly the worst time in her life. I'll never be able to express my thanks appropriately, but please know we appreciate each and every one of you.
On a personal note, (hey, it's my blog. come off it.) If I can't give Steve back to Kelley, I would want nothing more than to take this pain and suffering off of her shoulders and bear it myself so she can try and move on with her life. I'll never be able to do that for her, I know, but I help as best as I can. Stan is incredible. She smiles through the pain, keeps her children fed and happy, and step by step is tying up all of the loose ends like a champ. I love her and though I haven't been this tired in years, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.
I love you Stan.
