"I have died every day waiting for you. Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more." (A Thousand Years - Christina Perri)
I heard this song tonight for what feels like the first time. It's not. I've heard it before. Tonight though, it's the most beautiful song in the world. Tomorrow it will just be another pop song that doesn't suck. This is the beauty of music. It has the ability to put feelings into words. Music makes us feel like we don't have to say anything, because it's all been said for us. I read a great quote about one author's reasoning for why humans study music. It was written by David Ackert of the LA Times and quickly went viral around the social network as musicians around the country found someone to give their art a voice. He has put into words what I believe a lot of us never even knew we felt. (He also makes us sound totally bad-ass and who wouldn't want to sound totally bad-ass?) Skip this if you like, but it may give my non-musician friends an idea as to why we have to be in music. The few lines in bold are the ones that really gave me pause.
“Singers and Musicians are some of the most
driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more
day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime.
Every day, they face the financial challenge of living a freelance
lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs,
and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have
to ignore the possibility that the
vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every
note, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking
criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as
the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal
life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because
musicians and singers are willing to give their entire lives to a moment
- to that melody, that lyric, that chord, or that interpretation that
will stir the audience's soul. Singers and Musicians are beings who have
tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their
creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were
as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in
their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is
worth a thousand lifetimes.”
You see musicians are selfish people. It's in our nature. We say we're givers, or many of us believe ourselves to be givers, but it's a facade. The musicians who blabber on about their art being for the public and sharing themselves with the world, giving you, the adoring fans, a glimpse into the soul of a true performer... are full of malarkey. It's about the magical moment. We do this because it feels incredible. When the stars have aligned (read: when the technique has been practiced to a point of accessibility in a high pressure situation) and beautiful music spews forth from one's loins, there is a feeling unlike any other that accompanies that moment. That feeling cannot be replicated anywhere else. I've even experienced it a few times. These moments though, they really are fleeting. A chord with a lyric underlined with emotion set up with a harmonic progression established by themes and motives all coming together to join with proper vowel tuning, efficient posture, substantial and consistent breath, physical engagement and a connection to the world around you metamorphoses into what is simply called - a moment. People react to this moment and that does add to the fulfillment that performers talk about. I don't believe it is the feedback we crave. The true fulfillment comes from creating. It comes from building a moment that no one else can build and creating a memory that only you can create. Performances can be recorded but emotions cannot. The moment has passed and is now just a memory, never to be felt again. It's what makes music so unique. It is an art form that once it escapes, once the air has left, it is gone.
This song, that feels so significant tonight, is a part of a moment I'm living in right now. My experiences today, or this week, have lead me to be here: sitting on my couch, just finished a movie, feeling what I feel and bringing me to an emotional place for this song to speak directly to me. This moment is mine and like every one before it, it shall pass only to be replaced by another. All that matters now is that this song represents in ways I can't describe what I'm waiting for - what is next. My next moment.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Experience Required
I sang for the MET National Council Auditions today. This is the competition that when you win, you simply say "he/she won the MET." It's a big deal competition and I was glad to be even a small part of it. I didn't place, which is fine. I learned a long time ago to accept disappointments as they come and to move on having learned something from the experience. Today was no different. Only today, I hope I learned a long-lasting lesson. I waited for 2 hours (no lie) after awards were given to talk to the judges and receive feedback. I wouldn't say it was a waste of time, but I think I blew that opportunity when I started explaining my desire to teach and how that's what I've done and want to continue to do but I understand performing to be an important part of that and want to be able to have tons of experiences to share with my future students. The judges then chatted with me about doing more and how important experience is and how it helps as a teacher and how playing piano is a good factor in all of that and so on, and so on. I appreciate their advice but after waiting two hours it would have been nice to hear a little bit more about how I sang TODAY. You know, do I have any right in trying to sing professionally? Is it something I could pursue? It felt rushed and not entirely useful but they did hit on something I reflected on for the hour and a half drive home. One judge mentioned the similarities between being a fearless performer and a fearless teacher. I thought to myself, "I'm not a fearless performer, but I'm a fearless teacher, I think." Upon further reflection... "Actually, I'm not a fearless teacher. Hmph." I question myself a lot and worry sometimes about the wrong things with my students. It's really the questioning that I refer to. I don't believe I have lead any students astray. As a performer, my self consciousness has always been an issue. I fear being judged in life and though I had made a resolution to judge others less, and I've stuck to that, I haven't worked out how to get over my fear of people judging me all the time for everything always. This seriously inhibits my acting when I am in a studio or audition situation. When I'm in opera rehearsal, I throw everything at the role. Why is that so different? I'm not sure entirely. Part of it is knowing there is blocking already and that the hard part of that decision is taken care of. Part of it is having props and people to sing with, and part of it is the comfort that develops with a role when you're staging. Can I then treat my audition materials the same way? Block them out as a director would, have other people there in my mind and add props for rehearsal? This takes a level of commitment that I have yet to find in my work as a singer. Why have I never done this? Well it took awhile but we've come to the point of this entry.
I am so damn tired of making excuses for everything I don't like.
This realization started this past Monday when I was grabbing a drink with my friend Ryan before heading back to Greensboro the next day. We were chatting about our lives and what our next steps would be in our respective careers and I mentioned the need to perform more and summer programs and why I haven't applied for any and he basically looked at me and said "I dunno, Bridge, it sounds like a lot of excuses." I wanted to defend myself (and likely tried to, I'm sure) but in the end he's exactly right. I didn't want to audition for summer programs because they cost money to apply, to make a recording, to get head shots, to mail it all in and then it costs even more if I were to be accepted. The real problem is I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to be told "no." Being told "no" means being told "I'm not good enough." Though I know this to not be true, my self-doubt thinks otherwise.
Tonight, even though I didn't place, I had a glimpse into what a life of performing, (or trying to perform) could be like. I was listening to all of these other singers talk about work they've done, programs they've been in and people they know and I wondered how they could know so many of the same people but after chatting with some of them for 2 hours I would love to see some of them again. I could see how you'd reconnect with another singer and instantly bond over being in so similar a situation. (Living the dream of a performer, as it were.)
You see, I don't take nearly enough chances. I know I'm good at things like teaching and music directing, and singing at a local level or succeeding in a place I feel comfortable. But I am in this unique situation where I don't have to have a job right now and I don't have to be confined to one place because of family or work. Now is my time to take chances, fall on my face, and get back up better off than I was before. (Or take chances, and succeed?) I can no longer ignore or brush off performance opportunities that involve auditions because I'm nervous I'll be rejected. By not even auditioning, I'm rejecting myself, and though that is a freaky sense of control for me, it's still an excuse and I am done with those.
So I hope to move forward from this pushing myself a little harder. I want to do more and really fix the same vocal issues that have been pointed out to me for years. I can't build muscle memory with the amount of practice I have done until this point. I will work harder and I will take more chances. I will be starting small by auditioning for two programs this summer. I will be making recordings for both, and I will be getting some head shots done. I will find a way to make it work financially both in the short run and in the long run, and eventually when I am a teacher, I will be able to help my future students take this same step because I experienced it, lived it, and survived.
I am so damn tired of making excuses for everything I don't like.
This realization started this past Monday when I was grabbing a drink with my friend Ryan before heading back to Greensboro the next day. We were chatting about our lives and what our next steps would be in our respective careers and I mentioned the need to perform more and summer programs and why I haven't applied for any and he basically looked at me and said "I dunno, Bridge, it sounds like a lot of excuses." I wanted to defend myself (and likely tried to, I'm sure) but in the end he's exactly right. I didn't want to audition for summer programs because they cost money to apply, to make a recording, to get head shots, to mail it all in and then it costs even more if I were to be accepted. The real problem is I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to be told "no." Being told "no" means being told "I'm not good enough." Though I know this to not be true, my self-doubt thinks otherwise.
Tonight, even though I didn't place, I had a glimpse into what a life of performing, (or trying to perform) could be like. I was listening to all of these other singers talk about work they've done, programs they've been in and people they know and I wondered how they could know so many of the same people but after chatting with some of them for 2 hours I would love to see some of them again. I could see how you'd reconnect with another singer and instantly bond over being in so similar a situation. (Living the dream of a performer, as it were.)
You see, I don't take nearly enough chances. I know I'm good at things like teaching and music directing, and singing at a local level or succeeding in a place I feel comfortable. But I am in this unique situation where I don't have to have a job right now and I don't have to be confined to one place because of family or work. Now is my time to take chances, fall on my face, and get back up better off than I was before. (Or take chances, and succeed?) I can no longer ignore or brush off performance opportunities that involve auditions because I'm nervous I'll be rejected. By not even auditioning, I'm rejecting myself, and though that is a freaky sense of control for me, it's still an excuse and I am done with those.
So I hope to move forward from this pushing myself a little harder. I want to do more and really fix the same vocal issues that have been pointed out to me for years. I can't build muscle memory with the amount of practice I have done until this point. I will work harder and I will take more chances. I will be starting small by auditioning for two programs this summer. I will be making recordings for both, and I will be getting some head shots done. I will find a way to make it work financially both in the short run and in the long run, and eventually when I am a teacher, I will be able to help my future students take this same step because I experienced it, lived it, and survived.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Home Again, Home Again...
Happy New Year! 2013. Incredible. The beautiful thing about being a planner of my caliber is that I'm not at all surprised at where I am after 2012. I knew I would be somewhere - not in NYS - pursuing a DMA. I didn't know it would be UNCG, but I knew it would be somewhere. I knew I'd be succeeding in my program because I don't pick stupid programs that don't work for me. I knew I'd have some incredible friends because I'm in a program with like-minded people. I also knew I'd be missing home after spending an incredible 3 weeks there. So with that, I say - Peace out, 2012. Bring on 2013. I think I'm going to officially start referring to the year as "twenty-thirteen" rather than "two thousand thirteen." I think it's time and I'm sticking to it.
I'd be an asshat if I didn't admit there were numerous surprises to 2012. Death is rarely expected and never easy to deal with. I won't say much except that I miss Steve and think of him every day. But I also just spent three weeks with his two beautiful children and their smiling faces can make the saddest day brighter. They're going to be okay and that will have to be enough to move forward. With that, we also have the surprise of Spoon, the third and final addition to the Ganoung brood. In a mere 18 days, Spoon will be introduced to the world. And a mere 59 days Spoon will be introduced to ME. Godmother-Extraordinaire! Spoon already has the characteristic Moriarty-can't-sit-still-to-save-a-life-shiftiness as is evidenced by Stan's dancing belly. It's actually pretty cool, for me at least. :)
So I rang out 2012 back in Syracuse with family and friends and got to see almost everyone I wanted to. It was awesome. Staying with Stan was the best because I love her and that is all. We threw what felt like 15 get-togethers and I saw a bunch of movies, and I ate a ton of food, and I didn't have to cook a damn thing. I got tons and tons of squeezes and kisses from Beebs, Stevie and Jaden, even some from Beebs and Stevie's cousins on the G-Noun side! I got to visit with the B'ville peeps, see the DeCoursey clan and the Moriarty clan, got to see a friend's band, my favorite local band, got to make a bajillion and twelve christmas cookies, got Stan to go shopping, saw my beeches, went to Singers, and saw bunches of SU peeps after catching "White Christmas." I should also mention, it was a white Christmas as it snowed about 30 inches while I was home.
All that in 3 weeks. I think there was one day that had nothing planned. That would be New Year's Day. Stan, the kids and I spent the entirety in our pj's watching Property Brothers, movies, and eating, not even pretending to leave the house. That was a good day. They were all good days. That's my point, I had the most wonderful break. And now I'm back and the semester starts up on Monday and I have a competition this Saturday and I'm already seeing a bunch of my friends and have already eaten at my two favorite restaurants here, so as amazing and fulfilling as it was to be home, I'm also glad to be home. Syracuse is and always will be my home, but I have to maintain Greensboro as my current home. This is more than school, it is my life and I have to continue to live it as such. If I think of being here as "being away at school" I will be denying myself the feeling of being truly settled. I need that and I don't think I've been pretending to be "away at school" but it's smart to remind myself that this is home and I live here now and I have a happy life here. It's also good to know that I will NEVER be going 5 months without seeing my family again as long as I'm here. I will make sure of that. :)
So for the remainder of my break, I will be reconnecting with my friends here, taking down Xmas :(, practicing for my competition this weekend, and oh yeah, getting ready for the semester to start in 5 days... at least here the "spring semester" actually feels like spring! Hooray for a southern winter!
I'd be an asshat if I didn't admit there were numerous surprises to 2012. Death is rarely expected and never easy to deal with. I won't say much except that I miss Steve and think of him every day. But I also just spent three weeks with his two beautiful children and their smiling faces can make the saddest day brighter. They're going to be okay and that will have to be enough to move forward. With that, we also have the surprise of Spoon, the third and final addition to the Ganoung brood. In a mere 18 days, Spoon will be introduced to the world. And a mere 59 days Spoon will be introduced to ME. Godmother-Extraordinaire! Spoon already has the characteristic Moriarty-can't-sit-still-to-save-a-life-shiftiness as is evidenced by Stan's dancing belly. It's actually pretty cool, for me at least. :)
So I rang out 2012 back in Syracuse with family and friends and got to see almost everyone I wanted to. It was awesome. Staying with Stan was the best because I love her and that is all. We threw what felt like 15 get-togethers and I saw a bunch of movies, and I ate a ton of food, and I didn't have to cook a damn thing. I got tons and tons of squeezes and kisses from Beebs, Stevie and Jaden, even some from Beebs and Stevie's cousins on the G-Noun side! I got to visit with the B'ville peeps, see the DeCoursey clan and the Moriarty clan, got to see a friend's band, my favorite local band, got to make a bajillion and twelve christmas cookies, got Stan to go shopping, saw my beeches, went to Singers, and saw bunches of SU peeps after catching "White Christmas." I should also mention, it was a white Christmas as it snowed about 30 inches while I was home.
All that in 3 weeks. I think there was one day that had nothing planned. That would be New Year's Day. Stan, the kids and I spent the entirety in our pj's watching Property Brothers, movies, and eating, not even pretending to leave the house. That was a good day. They were all good days. That's my point, I had the most wonderful break. And now I'm back and the semester starts up on Monday and I have a competition this Saturday and I'm already seeing a bunch of my friends and have already eaten at my two favorite restaurants here, so as amazing and fulfilling as it was to be home, I'm also glad to be home. Syracuse is and always will be my home, but I have to maintain Greensboro as my current home. This is more than school, it is my life and I have to continue to live it as such. If I think of being here as "being away at school" I will be denying myself the feeling of being truly settled. I need that and I don't think I've been pretending to be "away at school" but it's smart to remind myself that this is home and I live here now and I have a happy life here. It's also good to know that I will NEVER be going 5 months without seeing my family again as long as I'm here. I will make sure of that. :)
So for the remainder of my break, I will be reconnecting with my friends here, taking down Xmas :(, practicing for my competition this weekend, and oh yeah, getting ready for the semester to start in 5 days... at least here the "spring semester" actually feels like spring! Hooray for a southern winter!
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