Birthdays, Count-downs, Self-Discoveries.

First off, a bit of a celebration.  Not only was it my birthday on Friday, but I managed to lose the 3 lbs I posted about last week.  It took work but not super hard work, and it took a commitment to going to the gym and not eating everything delicious in sight.  I haven't hopped on the scale since the birthday weekend which I can guarantee you I did not track a damn thing, so I'm sure I'm playing catch-up this week, but I was proud of my accomplishment. 

How was my birthday?  That's so nice of you to ask!  I had an amazing weekend.  My homo-lifemate, Dave, came up from LI to celebrate with me and, well, we celebrated the crap out of it.  I also got to see a lot of people I love and care about so that's really the best part of a birthday.  I used to hate when I worked on my bday because, work sucks.  Two birthdays ago I had the day off so I met a friend for lunch, then went and got some dinner with Jim and the Fellows, then we hung out and watched a movie.  (Princess and the Frog.  Not sure why I remember these things.)  Overall it was a really nice birthday, but uneventful.  Last year, I taught all day and my students repeatedly wished me a happy birthday, some even coming back after their lessons with sweets and other small gifts, then I had dinner with Col at Texas Roadhouse, went to Click Clack Moo rehearsal where everyone sang to me and we shared cupcakes, then out to see an acoustic set at a bar with a bunch of my best friends.  It was wonderful!  So this year was kind of a mix of the two.  No lessons or rehearsal, but I did have some friends over and went to a bar afterwards and I truly made it into a birthday weekend which I really enjoy doing.  And now, I can announce and start planning for my 30th which is next year!!  At first I figured I'd celebrate down in NC but my family is paying for a round-trip flight back home so I'll actually be home at some point near or on my birthday!  (This is all pending what the schedule is like at school.  It's right around the end of classes so it may not be the easiest to up and leave but we'll make it work!  We always do!) 

So I guess I'm inviting you all to my birthday next year.  I'm cool with that.  You seem nice.




I feel myself counting down to things a lot.  I'm always looking forward to the end of the semester.  I'm waiting for my "busy" schedule to lighten up.  Let's be honest, my schedule has been CAKE this semester.  Unfortunately that has been reflected in my bank account.  I think I had a revelation today when I was getting excited and sad that the semester ends tomorrow.  I know I look forward to these things.  I think "Wow, only 4 weeks left!  Then vay-cay-shun!"  Then I think about how I have no money to do anything extreme this vacation and I get sad.  Then I think about moving and leaving everyone and everything here and I get extra sad.  So then I try not to count down but I can't help it, as long as I've been in school, the vacation has been the best part!  So I tried to remember a time I didn't realize how soon the end of the semester was coming or that I wasn't looking forward to something ending and I believe the important factor here is money.  I don't count down to the semester being over, (though not working is sometimes > working, just not always.)  (Okay, having zero responsibilities > having any responsibilities.)  I count down to paychecks.  I look forward to things ending or dates approaching so I can get paid.  Money.  There were times that I had plenty.  A thriving checking account, all of my bills were paid off except the car and student loans, I bought whatever I wanted, I traveled when I felt like it, I saw Broadway shows... now I have a good savings going for my moving fund but I am struggling paycheck to paycheck because I'm not doing so much this semester.  I also racked up the credit cards paying for all of my traveling for auditions.  I'll survive, don't get me wrong, and I don't mean to sound all "pity me!" I just realize that the need for money is a big part of why I feel the need to count down to the end of everything.

So here I am, at the end of my time at SU.  6 years I've spent at this school.  2 of them as a student, 5 as a teacher.  (One year overlapped, for those who are ready to tell me my math is wrong.  Relax Rainman.)  I've been anticipating each paycheck and my birthday and a little vacation that now it's here and I have to start accepting the fact that I will no longer be an employee of Syracuse University.  Sure, maybe for now, maybe forever, I'm being all dramatic, blah blah blah, shut up this is my blog.  Go be sensible on your own blog.  It's just another round of goodbyes and the end of a major chapter in my life.  This is the last constant in my life that will be ending before I move.  I never questioned having a job because as I try to do everywhere, I made myself as indispensable as possible so I had pretty good job security.  Now for the first time in 5 years I don't know what to expect for next year.  Unknown!  Ahh!!  So scary!  Run and hide and never look back!  Change is important and in this case change is very good.  I am so excited to move and start another new chapter in someplace so new and different and I'm pretty excited to see how this changes me.  I feel like I am on the brink of some major self-discoveries, I just don't know what they are or when they'll occur.  But I have this feeling inside that I can't ignore and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about who I really am and who I'd like to try to be, or at least how to make myself a better person. 

You see, I asked myself one day, "How would I describe... me?" and I couldn't come up with actual descriptors.  When I came up with things, they were descriptors of how I hope I'm perceived, or how I would like to be perceived.  In acting school they talk about how you can tell how a person REALLY acts when they are alone.  Everyone is different in their own home than they are, say, in the workplace or at school.  So I started paying closer attention to how I am when I'm alone and I started coming up with some better descriptors.  The first being:  goofy.  I am goofy.  My family would simply state I am a weirdo, but I think goofy covers it better.  I laugh and laugh at puns made by other people or at puns I come up with in my own head.  I dance like an idiot around my house, I have conversations with myself, I think simple things are hilarious and I like to see the humor or joy in everything I can.  Things are funny.  People are funny.  I think I'm hilarious sometimes. 

I am also quiet.  I love the quiet.  Noise is one of the worst pollutants of the world.  Useless noise makes it hard for me to focus and adds tension to my already tight shoulders and neck and back. 

I also judge too much and too swiftly.  This is one I'd like to change which brings us back to my self-discoveries.  I don't like being so judgmental about so much.  My girls and I have a saying of simply "no judgies."  It allows us to be ourselves and share our stories with the knowledge that no one will think any less of us afterwards.  Why can't we all be like that?  Why can't I be like that all the time?  I've come a long way from where I was a couple years ago when I would justify every sentence and thought before sharing the actual thought in case someone might misinterpret what I'm trying to say here so as not to offend---

Good lord that was an annoying trait. 

But being so judgmental all of the time is such a negative thing.  I have not come CLOSE to mastering this, but I try.  I try to catch myself and say "Bridge.  Seriously, stop judging.  Relax, you'll be fine, life will go on, it will not impact the rest of your day.  Let's move on."  Sometimes I have to be harsher with myself when I start judging someone for a specific reason that may or may not be out of their control.  When I write it down here, it looks so mean.  Yet, haven't we all done that?  Today even?  Why?  How insecure are we all that we feel the need to belittle others to make ourselves feel better?  What, so because we don't say it to someone's face that makes it okay?  That makes it better than bullying?  Maybe so, as we don't directly hurt someone's feelings, but who's to say it's any better?  To be honest, I fear being judged so much that it has crippled me in so many facets of life.  But I do it.  I judge people.  The thought of someone judging my friends or my family members makes me so angry.  But still, aren't I judging other people's friends or families?  I know every reason for why it is so useless to be so judgmental.  I just have not found a way to stop myself.  I hope that by catching it shortly after the fact, reliving the situation and realizing I don't need to have those negative thoughts, will turn into me catching it before it happens. 

I guess I'm saying I'd like to improve my overall moods and outlooks on people and life and I haven't figured out how, but I know there are problems, so I will try.  That is all I can ever do, is try. 

Now that I've shared my thoughts, I am curious to know, how would YOU describe me?

Frustrated

I'm pretty frustrated.  I don't think I've been eating worse than I have since last summer.  I've been out to restaurants far less than I had up until April.  I went to the gym more times in April than I have since August.  I am slowly but surely gaining weight.  WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!  This is insanity.  Today I'm making an extra concerted effort to be sure I eat well and track and don't go over my points and get in some activity today.  Making that decision has left me feeling so hungry for no reason!  No reason!  I hate feeling like food is some sort of enemy.  I hate feeling like I can't have what I want or that I don't know how to take care of myself.  I hate feeling out of control and that nothing I do helps.  It makes me want to go to Wendy's, then come home and order chinese and then make a creamy pasta dish and have some cake for dessert. 

*************************************

Now that I have that out of my system, allow me to translate.  What's really been going on here?  All of those things I mentioned above.  But in reality, I have not been eating well.  I have not been tracking and I have not paid enough attention into what I'm eating.  (I have gone to the gym a lot and been very active, so that part is annoying but oh well.)  I mean, I think I had meatballs 4 times in the last 6 days.  Meatballs are super high in points, something like 3+ for one if it's a small guy.  I just eat them.  I have a few here, and a few there and one or two more... because they're DELICIOUS AND I LOVE DELICIOUS THINGS!!  But that doesn't mean I have to eat every delicious thing I see.  I have no restraint, no self-control.  I never have.  There are countless posts about me "rewarding" myself for doing the bare minimum, if that.  I have slowly crept back towards my starting weight of a year ago and that is freaking stupid.  It takes planning and I've done none of it.  I'm going to do some once I'm done with this blog post. 

Discipline is doing something you hate, and pretending that you love it.

I didn't get fat by being honest, I'm not going to get thin by lying. 

Numbers...

7 days until my birthday.

6 days until my friend arrives to spend my birthday weekend with me.

1.5 pounds is how much I gained this week.  :-/

2 weeks until I am officially done working at Syracuse University after 5 years.

3 months until I move to North Carolina.

4 days in a row of exercise.

8,432,375,899,427 emails sent in the last 3 days.

0 replies.

100% chance I will continue blogging when I move.

3 pounds is how much I want to lose this week.

3:04pm is the time I will stop blogging and start cleaning.  :)

F!! F, F, F, F, F to me!!!!

I started a blog about 3 times in the last month and a half with the goal of updating you on the post-audition events that have occurred.  I can't even say I was too busy to do so, I just started writing a few times and... didn't like what I had to say.  So I stopped.  But this time I'm writing for realsies.  And now, for the update.  In mostly chronological order.

On Valentines Day I received my rejection letter from U. Colorado Boulder.  This was mildly devastating.  I can't say that I was sure I would be accepted everywhere I applied, but I did start listening to everyone who pretty much said I would be accepted everywhere I applied because they know how much I've accomplished and how hard I work and how much I have to offer... basically, they know me.  So I started breathing in their confidence, and after hearing so quickly from Indiana and UNC Greensboro (UNCG) I thought it was only a matter of time until I received my other two acceptance letters.  When the rejection came, I decided I wouldn't post about it until I heard from Michigan.  This was for two reasons.  One was I needed time to accept the fact that a school had rejected me.  It's all a part of life, it's all for a reason, make lemonade, blah blah blah, optimism at its best.  I'm not discounting being optimistic, I'm saying that at that time I felt like a waste of a human being who should re-think their career plan.  (I hope you see why I didn't post about that when it happened.)  The other reason was I wanted to have an answer from Michigan so I could say I've been accepted by 3, and rejected by some foolish school, or that it was an even split, but hey!  I still have options!

A few weeks pass and I have yet to hear from Michigan so I send an e-mail politely asking if they had made their decisions, when I might hear, I had such a great time on campus, thank you for the positive experience, I look forward to hearing from you, etc.  When that rejection letter arrived, I was more prepared. 

When I didn't get accepted to Michigan, I started thinking about why.  Why wasn't I wanted at these schools?  Why didn't they want someone they could practically hire as an adjunct (if not full professor, if I say so myself) to be a student there?  I could teach just about anything voice related and many things non-voice related.  I am a good enough singer, I have better piano chops than most any other singer that attends that school, what's not to want?  At this point I thought back to some conversations I had with some teachers and mentors who went through a similar process and remembered talking about looking at programs, rather than teachers.  I made it my goal to choose a program that suited me, not a teacher.  I wanted to be sure that I could get a well-rounded education from the school I chose so I never made an attempt to meet with any teachers.  (Many singers will take lessons while auditioning to get a feel for the faculty and see if there is someone they'd like to work with if accepted.  This also allows them to make an impression on the faculty and become more desirable.) 

Do we see the problem here? 

I never made any personal connections to any faculty at Michigan or Boulder.  I remained, for all intents and purposes, a teacher on paper, and a soprano on stage.  Those of you who help encourage me and remind me of all of the great things I've done and can do know that because you know me.  You talk to me and have seen me at work.  These schools heard me sing and maybe read my resume.  Everyone makes their resume look great and everyone has great recommendation letters written on their behalf.  For me, the difference is I really have accomplished everything on my resume, and much more that I left off because it would be too long.  So without a personal connection, no one had the chance to meet me and hear/see what I really can do so therefore there was no one on my side during the decision-making process to say "We want HER.  Let's make sure she comes here." 

A tough realization, but I think pretty accurate. 

That left me with UNCG and Indiana.  About 2 weeks ago I received an offer from UNCG that included an out-of-state tuition waiver (meaning I would pay in-state tuition), a nice stipend, and health insurance as part of an assistantship package.  I would teach studio voice, and either class voice or diction.  I was surprised and excited because this was the kind of thing I was hoping to receive (from all four schools) though a full ride would have been preferred.  I hadn't heard anything about finances from IU so last week I wrote both schools an e-mail.  I wrote UNCG asking if I could get the in-state tuition waived for one year (when I become a resident of the state, the out-of-state waiver becomes an in-state) and I wrote IU asking if they were gonna give me any money.  UNCG wrote back saying they couldn't offer that to me, and IU requested I call to chat.  (That was a specific professor I was in contact with.  Not like, the president or something.)  I called IU, explained my offer from UNCG, and the professor told me to e-mail the financial aid head and explain that all to him.  I did that this past Friday and on Saturday I had an offer from IU in the amount of $19,000.  It's a musical merit scholarship.  This number looks INCREDIBLE but when you break it down, I still pay out-of-state tuition and that money has to stretch the full year.  If I took the minimum number of credits I could make it stretch with about $2,000 to spare but I don't want to be limited to that amount.  It also does not include any teaching which if you read back to any post about my DMA, the entire purpose of this process is to better myself as a teacher.  So I wrote an e-mail to IU asking about teaching assistantships, explaining what my passion is, how I want to teach and I want a program that will allow me to do so. 

That brings us to today.  I also received another e-mail from UNCG upping my offer to include an in-state tuition waiver for the first year which means I wouldn't have to pay a penny to attend school there.  So I called my cousin who is finishing his doctorate and was just hired to be the director of choral activities at Vanderbilt University in Nashville because he is amazing.  It was so great getting to talk and bounce all of my thoughts off of him.  It's not that you all can't get it, but you don't necessarily get what kind of a decision this is for me and how much every little detail matters.  To the schools, I'm just another applicant that they deal with on a yearly basis.  For me, this is the biggest decision I've ever had to make and I felt like I was completely alone in trying to make the right choice.  I knew I had to decide for myself, and I knew I wanted to make an informed decision but I also wanted to hear from someone that I was going about this the right way and maybe get some extra insight.  This is precisely what Tucker provided and I felt so much better when I got off the phone. 

I realized that I was hanging onto the thoughts of IU because of their name and reputation.  Most people in the music world know of that program (and many who are not in the music world) which makes it stand out.  UNCG is small, but everything they're doing is great.  So I had to sit down and honestly compare the two programs and offers.  Did I want the school that would set my resume apart from other resumes because of the name?  Or did I want the school that would set me apart because of the experiences I would likely receive from going there?

In order to compare, I asked myself, what will I do at both schools?  Where will I be at both schools?  How much will I make at both schools?  And what will I be called at both schools?  To explain what I mean, I asked myself what are the expectations of me?  To sing or to teach?  Where am I located?  A college town, or a real city?  How much will I make?  Nothing, but incur out-of-pocket expenses, or actually make money?  And the kicker, do I get to say I am an alum of Indiana University to near instant recognition, or explain about the growing program at University of North Carolina Greensboro to those who've likely never heard of it?  This is a tougher decision than you may ever understand and I only list it all here to give you an idea of what's been going through my mind for the last few weeks. 

But I did it.  I made a decision. 

I am a logical human being and I like to plan for my future.  I like to know that I am doing what it takes to ensure I will be as big of a success as I can possibly be and to be sure I am making the most of this life.  Indiana will open many doors for me after I graduate, but what would I have to say for myself after I graduate?  What if I don't get cast in good roles?  What if I only attend class, sing sometimes, and watch "better" singers complain about how they have to teach when they really don't want to? 

Nope, I'd rather build my resume with possibilities and opportunities and add to the already growing program at UNCG so maybe one day they can look at me and say "She made a real difference here." 

So tonight at about 11:45pm I sent my acceptance via e-mail telling UNCG that I will be coming to their school this August to start work on my DMA. 

It's done.  I did it.  I decided, I chose, and I got what I wanted. 

I can't say I was a master negotiator, but I did ask for what I wanted and what I think I'm worth, and eventually received just that.  Some of you may read this and think "Of course you chose UNCG.  Look at what they offered you!  And it's warmer!  Palm trees!"  (love you princess, seriously) but it was so much more than that. 

I feel great about this decision.  I feel great because it's made, and it's finally done and now I can start planning for the big move, but I also feel great because I am going to do amazing things at that school.  Things they have never seen before.  I am going to earn every penny they gave me, and build some professional relationships that will take me to the next level and beyond when I start the job search. 

It has been an incredible journey, and there are too many people to thank for helping me get through it.  It took me awhile to be able to say out loud that a school hadn't accepted me.  Now I have to get used to the fact that it's done and I have chosen and I am ready to move forward with phase three of the 5-year plan.  (Research schools, apply/audition, move)  I'm moving.  Out of state.  South of the Mason Dixon Line. 

Well gol darnit, y'all I best get to work on my sweet tea recipe!