Another year, another decade.

So I turned 30 a couple weeks back.  I can honestly say I was looking forward to it.  As I've said many times before, my 20s were fine.  I'd even say they were damn good.  But they were by no means the decade that will define my life and my accomplishments.  No, I looked forward to turning 30, and will remain optimistic for the coming decade. 

The funniest thing I've noticed is people's reactions to my age.  I'm involved with a summer program here in Greensboro and have met a bunch of new and wonderful singers.  As we've gotten to know each other, the subject of age comes up and every time I say I'm 30, someone stares at me blankly, clearly calculating, and usually follows with some exclamation of my not looking my age.  They think I'm in my early 20's.  Aren't I in my undergrad still?  I even had to show one girl my ID.  Now I find this all immensely flattering and love that I look younger than the number associated with my length of time inhabiting earth, but it makes me think.  Three weeks ago, I was 29.  All that has really changed in that time are the numbers I use to state my age.  When I was 27, 28, and then 29 I started hearing from more people that I didn't look my age at all, I looked much younger, maybe early 20s.  I'm used to this response.  But I never got the reactions I get now, and the only difference is a couple of weeks.  It begs to be asked, how do we picture 29 year olds, and how different is that from how we picture 30 year olds?  Essentially, and especially at my state, we're talking about a difference of weeks.  We hear that someone is 30 and (let me be clear, I'm speaking mostly to the early to mid 20's crowd.) think of what it might be like when WE turn 30, but since it's so far away, or such a milestone, clearly we must look different when it finally happens. 

Well, all I'll say is I will really enjoy redefining 30 for the younger generation while enjoying the youthful glow I've been blessed with thanks to my awesome parents!  (Seriously parents, rock on for young faces!)

The title of today's blog does hold a bit of a double meaning.  A year ago today the lives in my family changed forever when Stan's husband died.  I knew this day was coming, and I tried to prepare for it, but in actuality I didn't know how.  When last night rolled around and I still didn't know what to do, I let myself fall into a bit of a daze and let habit carry me for awhile.  To be honest, I hadn't felt that lost in a long time.  See, it's not just Steve's death that's on the mind, it's his son's 4th birthday, and being away from my family for all of this, and wanting to be there to even, just be there and do nothing about anything.  I'm learning more about the difficulties of dealing with death when you live alone and in a different part of the country.  Sure, I've grieved and sure I had said my goodbye's and I know everyone is okay and will be okay and will continue to live and move forward.  I know Stan is in good hands and lives every day with a smile and a positive outlook because there is just no reason to live any other way.  I get all of this.  But I don't get to experience it daily.  Being here, I can sort of, ignore that part of life, bury it underneath school or my busy schedule.  Now, there is not a single solitary day goes by that I don't think of Steve.  Let's get that straight right now.  I guess all I'm saying is without being there, literally there with the family, I don't get to move forward with them.  I deal in my way, they deal in theirs, I sort of - miss out - on the chance to just look at someone and say "you know what, today kind of sucks." and have them look back at me and say "yeah, I understand."  I have wonderful friends here who get it and who I could say that to, but it's just not the same as saying that to someone that went through the same thing, with you. 

I wasn't sure if I would go through with posting all of this.  I don't want to be drudging up old feelings or forcing people to relive last year.  But I've also seriously struggled with how to deal with this down here, and understanding that I have to do this a little differently, and sort of on my own, is helpful and necessary.  Like I said before, we are a positive-outlook kind of family.  We do not waste time dwelling on the negative.  Find the good in everything you see and do, and let that be what pulls you forward.  I started today feeling lost and clouded.  After a meditative walk in the rain, I was able to bring myself back to the present and accept that today is a day that was going to come.  I had to accept that today happened.  But tomorrow will also happen.  Today does not have to be confusing.  Today can absolutely be about celebrating my nephew's birthday and remembering his father in any way that seems appropriate.  We have to bring the past into the present so we can more aptly move into the future.  It's a delicate balance, and I'm going to screw it up a few times, but I'll get the hang of it.  After all, I'm in my 30s now, so clearly I'm ready to take on the world.

No excuses.

I totes stopped blogging.  For like, months.  Why?  I'm in school.  If you know me, you know that means I reach a few month period where I nearly fall off of the face of the planet.  This happened to be mid-late January-end of April.  In that time I completed another semester of school, leading roles in two operas, landed another role in another opera, met my godson, and hopefully nailed the crap out of my classes.  I was preoccupied.  Not that I'm any less preoccupied right now, but things are slowing down a bit which is nice.  I'm still in the process of learning the next role I have coming up in June, and I have a recital to prepare for in October, plus two small gigs and a performance in an Opera Gala next September, plus looking ahead to auditions for the '13-14 season of being a singer, so essentially, classes and teaching are done.  That alone gives way to much more time.  It's a sexy, sexy thing.  I'm reading for fun.  I cleaned my apartment for what feels like the first time since I moved in.  I read through and highlighted the latest Classical Singer magazine.  I have yet to get my groceries, but, get this, I have a ton of time tomorrow too!  These magical things called "weekends" that I get to experience every now and then.  Brilliant!!

Look at me go, posting a picture like I'm a regular blogger!  So proud.

Madame Euterpova

Anywho, here's a basic rundown of what's been going on.  Most of this has been on the facebook and most of you are friends with me on the facebook so I don't need to go into too many gory details.  Here goes.

I sang two lead roles this semester at UNCG.  The first was Madame Euterpova in Menotti's Help, Help, the Globolinks!  A crazy piece about aliens and I was blonde and wore pink glasses and a fur hat and tried to seduce the dean of the school while turning in my resignation because the students did not bring their instruments home to practice.  (A very straight forward show.) 

During the rehearsal process for this show, we took a two week hiatus to start staging for Cendrillon (Cinderella) which was the other opera I sang in, this time as Cinderella.  We had a guest director who was incredible and I think I made a wonderful contact for life so beyond the fact that I did some of my best work on stage that I can remember, I learned an incredible amount. 

I also sang for a local competition and placed but didn't win.  Now, winning isn't everything.  It's a lot, but it's not everything.  I was sorely disappointed when I didn't win.  I have battled all semester with my performing.  I can do this great work in my lessons, and make some of the most incredible sounds I've ever made, but when it comes down to presenting that for anyone else, including my super supportive studio, something falls short.  After yet another bafflingly not-as-good-as-I-thought-it-should-be performance in studio, I finally lost it and emailed my teacher asking him for the answers to life the universe, and everything.  (Turns out, for a singer, it's not 42.)  Essentially I was frustrated because I know I have so much more to share and give and I feel like I can't do that in performance.  It always holds me back.  My teacher sent an incredible reply that helped put things in perspective and, of course, reminded me I'm not alone in this and everything I'm feeling is understandable.  I read through his response 3 or 4 times to just let it all sink in. 

What this boils down to for me is to be more general in my performance.  Not with intention, or connection to music, but in what I want to accomplish.  I can't go into every performance expecting to maintain my open lower back, feel the height in every vowel, keep sounds in the "ng" place, feel every breath release, don't ease into the onset, keep the breath flowing consistently, don't grip, remember every word/vowel modification, and act without locking up.  This is literally the short list of things I hoped to accomplish in every performance.  Intellectually I knew I was working too hard but emotionally I hadn't been able to step back and trust.  My last two performances of the semester I went in with just a couple broad goals.  Stay "in my light," trust each onset, and lose myself in the character.  Low and behold, each performance was better than the last, and I ended the semester feeling really good about where I'm heading.  It feels like a major break through and I don't even know if it makes sense to non-singers or non-performers.  Just trust that it was a big wall I had built and I finally feel like I can start to chip away at it.  Now I'm looking for competitions and auditions to keep working at this.  I have something really awesome to share, and need opportunities to share it.  Why not, right?  I'm totes worth it.