It has been 6 months since I've been to the gym. This will change tonight. I have my bag packed, and I'll be hitting up the gym tonight after my last rehearsal is done. I realized I can only go twice this week, but, really? "Only?" That's two more times than I've gone in the last 6 months. That is an increase of 200% over the last 24 weeks. This is a good thing. I've been stalled for too long. I still see the goal of weight loss and I still want my clothes to fit better/looser/be way too big and oops, gotta go shopping. I also have to get back on WW. I lost almost 15 lbs last summer from these two factors. It was hard but not stupid hard. It took time but not all of my time. Now that I'm done with auditions and Eleanor, I have Sweeney Todd and myself to focus on. I'm trying to start saving money for when I move so getting back on WW and going to the gym won't add any extra cost. I've been paying for both of these this whole time without really using either. I have to try and fix that. So it will start tonight. I'm up until midnight anyway, so why not be productive with that time instead of watching the food network which only makes me go to bed feeling hungry? I'll give this a try and hope it works. Often when I don't go to the gym it's because I'm worried I'll be "missing out" on something else. Pretty sure this is a curse from my childhood that I may never get to go away. That is for a blog of a different color though. For the last couple weeks I've actually had some evenings to myself which is nice and awful. It's nice because, I'm home! I'm not doing other things! I can relax! It's kind of awful because... well it makes me think. I start thinking about spending another evening sitting alone on my couch watching tv or playing on the computer and I get a little lonely. Then I get upset because I'm feeling lonely. Then I feel guilty for feeling lonely because I'm not exactly lonely. There are plenty of people I could call up or text or potentially hang out with. (Though that number gets smaller the later it gets. I know I have the odd schedule here.) If I'm going to be honest, and why shouldn't I be honest? If I can talk about weight loss endeavors and audition madness, I should be honest about this too. I'm more lonely that I don't have a someone. I want to have a someone that will sit on the couch with me and completely ignore me if they want to, but they're there. They can do their thing, I can do mine. (Did you see how I just used all three there/they're/their with no problem whatsoever? IT'S NOT HARD PEOPLE!!) Once in awhile we chit chat, or share a glance or a touch, but it doesn't have to be anything major. It's just some companionship. But it's also more than that. Companionship can be shared on many levels with many people. I have some amazing companions in my life. I'm also getting better at allowing myself to be the real me around these companions, and look! They're still hanging around! So obviously I have friends. I hasten to use the word "boyfriend" because that doesn't cut it. I don't care about a title, and honestly, titles can be really intimidating. I do care to let the world know if I have feelings for someone and they have feelings for me, and we can share them openly because doesn't that feel great? It does. It feels great to be able to say to anyone I consider my friend that I am in a relationship and it is awesome! You see, many of my relationships started out in really strange ways. Most of the time, I'd be hanging out with a guy and then we'd be hanging out so much it turned into a relationship, and for my own reasons I never liked to call it that, but then one day I'd be okay with calling it that but I still wouldn't really say that to people, and by the time I realized what I had it'd be over. Repeat.
I've had love. I've had passion. I've had companionship. I miss them. I'm lonely. If I weren't moving, I'd get a dog. An adorable puppy with boundless energy and so much love to share. I would be the best dog owner in the world. My life does not warrant a puppy right now. I'm not home enough. I'm moving soon. I have no idea what my schedule will be like at school. So as much as I'd be a great puppy owner, I'm not a moron and I know getting a puppy is a bad idea. Speaking of moving, it harkens the question "Is it worth seeking anything since I'll be leaving so soon?" You know what? Yes. Yes it is worth it. I am worth it. Most of my relationships only lasted 4-6 months so at this point I could have an entire relationship before I even leave.
********
That was all written Monday evening. It's now Tuesday evening but I liked what I had so I kept it. I did go to the gym and it felt great. Came home and showered, had a cup of bouillon, and went to bed. I have my bag all packed for my next trip to the gym so I'm looking forward to that! I want to do this again. I'm going to. Now, to carry on with the tangent that turned into the focus of last night's post...
I'm stuck in an endless cycle. "They" say you can't be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself. I don't always feel happy with myself when I'm feeling so lonely. I am making changes, I am pursuing my doctorate, I will be moving and bettering myself, I am trying to continue losing weight and I am trying to make positive changes to myself in the form of not justifying every single thought I have. Now sometimes, when I do the last one, some more of the "real" me comes out, and guess what? The real me can be a bitch. This adds another layer of issue I try to deal with and that's the guilt. I feel guilty for causing any feeling in someone else that isn't some form of joy. I cannot stand the feeling of having someone unhappy with me. It eats away at my soul. So until I feel like I can be okay with saying my feelings and potentially making someone upset but that it won't ruin a friendship, and until I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see, and until I feel like I have someone to be with, I won't feel truly happy. But if I'm not happy then I can't be happy in a relationship. But if I don't have the companionship of a relationship to help remind me that I can be happy, I won't be happy. Do you see what I've created here?
I'm so tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of feeling lost. I'm tired of feeling like I need to have all of the answers when all I have are questions.
I'm also tired of trying to put my feelings into words when my moods keep shifting so I have to end this here. I know this blog wasn't about me in relationships or my feelings about that matter, but this is where this blog turned to and who am I to stop it? Now, if only I could get all of these sappy love songs out of my head...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The final countdown
Hi there, it's been a bit hectic here since returning from my last audition but I feel adequately prepared to update you all on the final trip of my audition tour 2012.
That's right, I said LAST AUDITION!! I've never gone through anything like this before. It was an amazing, exhilarating, exhausting, eye-opening, liberating, frustrating, and fun experience. All of those things, and more, every time. Before I go summarizing the experience, allow me to catch you up on the final stop: UNC Greensboro.
After weeks of god-awful flight delays and layovers and poo poo experiences with rental cars, I finally had a few incident-free trips. This, of course, makes sense because on my flight down to NC I had a 4 hour layover at JFK. So why would there were be a delay? I got to spend the full 4 hours in the Jet Blue terminal. I chose this flight because I have a Jet Blue card that I earn rewards points on and this was the only flight from my month of travel that I was able to use any of them on. So you're damn right I flew Jet Blue.
The layover honestly wasn't that bad. I had a mediocre-at-best dinner, did some texting, some reading, and had some ice cream. When I arrived in NC, I was surprised to find out the temperature was in the 40's. Please realize, at that moment I was below the Mason-Dixon line. Which means I'm in the SOUTH. Which means it is WARM. If everyone and their brother who is not from the state of NY thinks I am from the city of NY when I state I am from NY, I think it fair to expect a little warm weather when I am in the South. So it was kinda chilly, but bearable of course, as I am from New York. (The state, not the city. No, it's like the size of England. Really, I think we'd all be better off if the city seceded and became Newer York. Just trust me.) But I had a nice car for the drive out to Burlington, and got in to see the Rein's! (Some family friends who so graciously let me stay with them for the weekend.)
Onto the audition. I got there as early as my travel-weary body would allow, warmed up, and met with the pianist. She's phenomenal. It felt great singing with her. Then we headed right down - which is part of what makes this different from every other audition. Usually I'd rehearse, get some lunch, relax, let the voice rest, then head back in, do a quick re-warm up, and sing the audition. Here I had a light breakfast, warmed up, ran through stuff then walked right down the stairs and onto the stage to do the audition.
This combination of factors lead to the weirdest thing ever happening to me while I sang - I almost passed out.
Right? I mean, I've never passed out before (knock on wood) (no really, I just did) so I can't say for sure that's what happened but I felt all these tinglies in my hands and climbing up my arms, and at the the climax of my 2nd piece which I was TOTALLY into, I mean, I was connecting to the text, I knew my translation like woah, I almost teared up because I was feeling it, man! Feeling it! Then right after the high note, I have to say two more words, and I think they came out. That's when the vision swam for a sec, the breath all kind of left me, and I started to see some black edges around my view of the recital hall. Luckily, I stood there, breathed, and once the song was done, artistically placed my hand on the piano lid, thanked the pianist, and took a drink of water.
The feeling didn't happen for the rest of the time I sang, but will remain one of the weirdest physical experiences of my life.
All of that aside, I sang well. I was un-pleased (I like that word, I'm keeping it.) with how my French went, and I think I felt that every time I used it so it is officially time to retire that song from my repertoire. Bye-bye Boulanger!! After I sang, I had to do 2 sight reading examples. I think that's kinda neat for two reasons. 1. I'm a damn good sight reader so I knew it'd be a chance to show off some madd sight reading skillz. 2. It's amazing to me how many singers are poor sight readers and I think that's a good chance to show it's not just about having a pretty voice.
So the first example I rock. The second example, as I was practicing through it, I nailed a tricky spot and smiled to myself saying out loud "Oh, I see why you used this one, the do-fa leap. Got it." and the woman at the piano leaned forward and nodded appreciatively. (I found out afterward that little comment wowed the metaphoric pants off of the faculty. Boo-ya teaching!) So of course I nail that one as well and now it's interview time. (Are we seeing the pattern of just how different this audition was from all the others?) I went and sat down and they asked me questions about teaching and singing and I answered honestly and thoughtfully. We discussed people we all had in common, what I've been doing, what I'd like to do... and then it was done! The chair of the dept asked me to meet him up at his office to chat more about the program so I left and headed upstairs. When he got there he explained it was an unofficial meeting, having no bearing on my audition. Then he added that they just unofficially accepted me downstairs, so what would I like to know about the school?
So, you know, I'm in with 2 out of 4. Not too shabby.
We talked about assistantships, stipends, performance opportunities, accompanying, studio classes... by the end of the conversation I think I made it clear that I don't need an assistantship to only come from the voice department. I will happily split my duties up among teaching, accompanying, performing... whatever needs to be done so that I don't have to pay a cent. I hope that came across clearly because I really don't want to have to pay for this degree.
After this meeting I had a couple meeting/interviews for music history spots and theory spots. The musicology interview was... strange. But I said to them that I have experience teaching some history and music appreciation courses and wanted to make that known in case I could be of any help to their program. I'm not sure I'm entirely what they're looking for, but wanted to make my presence known. The theory interview was completely different. It was an aural skills test! I had to sight read a chorale on the piano, then analyze the chorale right after. Then came two sight reading examples that I rocked! After that I had to identify chords and figured bass, then I had to analyze a chorale by listening only. I did great on everything except the last part. I've never had to listen and without paper figure out what I'm hearing. Usually I would dictate what I hear on some paper and then analyze the chords I've spelled out. (Doesn't everyone?) :) It's an interesting skill and definitely one I could develop. I think I showed I have skills and could be useful in their department, and that's all I was hoping to do. (After realizing I had to utilize skills I haven't used in over 6 years!)
At this point I was done showcasing myself but had some time so I went and watched part of the opera rehearsal. They're doing Don Giovanni and I got to see some of the blocking rehearsal. I really liked watching their director work. Seems like a really cool guy that I could get along with. At this point, it's 4pm and I've been there for 6 hours and am thoroughly exhausted so I call it a day.
The rest of my time was spent with members of the Rein clan hanging out, getting dinner, and just enjoying each others company. It was so great seeing them and adding that into my weekend. Then I headed home and promptly started a full weekend of activities including benefits, birthday parties, staging rehearsals, a sitz probe with the orchestra, and a superbowl. Now that auditions are done I've been focusing on this other production of Eleanor that is this Sunday. It's going to be good. It feels different this time, and different is a good thing here. Everyone is more at ease, the cast is having a great time, and I leave each rehearsal smiling and fulfilled. It's exhausting, of course, and I can't believe we're doing all this for one performance only, but I'm glad for the opportunity, either way.
In the mean time I'm also accompanying a choir rehearsal tonight, have a Shakespeare read-through tomorrow, and jump back in full-force to Sweeney rehearsals come Saturday.
I am so ready for doctor school.
That's right, I said LAST AUDITION!! I've never gone through anything like this before. It was an amazing, exhilarating, exhausting, eye-opening, liberating, frustrating, and fun experience. All of those things, and more, every time. Before I go summarizing the experience, allow me to catch you up on the final stop: UNC Greensboro.
After weeks of god-awful flight delays and layovers and poo poo experiences with rental cars, I finally had a few incident-free trips. This, of course, makes sense because on my flight down to NC I had a 4 hour layover at JFK. So why would there were be a delay? I got to spend the full 4 hours in the Jet Blue terminal. I chose this flight because I have a Jet Blue card that I earn rewards points on and this was the only flight from my month of travel that I was able to use any of them on. So you're damn right I flew Jet Blue.
The layover honestly wasn't that bad. I had a mediocre-at-best dinner, did some texting, some reading, and had some ice cream. When I arrived in NC, I was surprised to find out the temperature was in the 40's. Please realize, at that moment I was below the Mason-Dixon line. Which means I'm in the SOUTH. Which means it is WARM. If everyone and their brother who is not from the state of NY thinks I am from the city of NY when I state I am from NY, I think it fair to expect a little warm weather when I am in the South. So it was kinda chilly, but bearable of course, as I am from New York. (The state, not the city. No, it's like the size of England. Really, I think we'd all be better off if the city seceded and became Newer York. Just trust me.) But I had a nice car for the drive out to Burlington, and got in to see the Rein's! (Some family friends who so graciously let me stay with them for the weekend.)
Onto the audition. I got there as early as my travel-weary body would allow, warmed up, and met with the pianist. She's phenomenal. It felt great singing with her. Then we headed right down - which is part of what makes this different from every other audition. Usually I'd rehearse, get some lunch, relax, let the voice rest, then head back in, do a quick re-warm up, and sing the audition. Here I had a light breakfast, warmed up, ran through stuff then walked right down the stairs and onto the stage to do the audition.
This combination of factors lead to the weirdest thing ever happening to me while I sang - I almost passed out.
Right? I mean, I've never passed out before (knock on wood) (no really, I just did) so I can't say for sure that's what happened but I felt all these tinglies in my hands and climbing up my arms, and at the the climax of my 2nd piece which I was TOTALLY into, I mean, I was connecting to the text, I knew my translation like woah, I almost teared up because I was feeling it, man! Feeling it! Then right after the high note, I have to say two more words, and I think they came out. That's when the vision swam for a sec, the breath all kind of left me, and I started to see some black edges around my view of the recital hall. Luckily, I stood there, breathed, and once the song was done, artistically placed my hand on the piano lid, thanked the pianist, and took a drink of water.
The feeling didn't happen for the rest of the time I sang, but will remain one of the weirdest physical experiences of my life.
All of that aside, I sang well. I was un-pleased (I like that word, I'm keeping it.) with how my French went, and I think I felt that every time I used it so it is officially time to retire that song from my repertoire. Bye-bye Boulanger!! After I sang, I had to do 2 sight reading examples. I think that's kinda neat for two reasons. 1. I'm a damn good sight reader so I knew it'd be a chance to show off some madd sight reading skillz. 2. It's amazing to me how many singers are poor sight readers and I think that's a good chance to show it's not just about having a pretty voice.
So the first example I rock. The second example, as I was practicing through it, I nailed a tricky spot and smiled to myself saying out loud "Oh, I see why you used this one, the do-fa leap. Got it." and the woman at the piano leaned forward and nodded appreciatively. (I found out afterward that little comment wowed the metaphoric pants off of the faculty. Boo-ya teaching!) So of course I nail that one as well and now it's interview time. (Are we seeing the pattern of just how different this audition was from all the others?) I went and sat down and they asked me questions about teaching and singing and I answered honestly and thoughtfully. We discussed people we all had in common, what I've been doing, what I'd like to do... and then it was done! The chair of the dept asked me to meet him up at his office to chat more about the program so I left and headed upstairs. When he got there he explained it was an unofficial meeting, having no bearing on my audition. Then he added that they just unofficially accepted me downstairs, so what would I like to know about the school?
So, you know, I'm in with 2 out of 4. Not too shabby.
We talked about assistantships, stipends, performance opportunities, accompanying, studio classes... by the end of the conversation I think I made it clear that I don't need an assistantship to only come from the voice department. I will happily split my duties up among teaching, accompanying, performing... whatever needs to be done so that I don't have to pay a cent. I hope that came across clearly because I really don't want to have to pay for this degree.
After this meeting I had a couple meeting/interviews for music history spots and theory spots. The musicology interview was... strange. But I said to them that I have experience teaching some history and music appreciation courses and wanted to make that known in case I could be of any help to their program. I'm not sure I'm entirely what they're looking for, but wanted to make my presence known. The theory interview was completely different. It was an aural skills test! I had to sight read a chorale on the piano, then analyze the chorale right after. Then came two sight reading examples that I rocked! After that I had to identify chords and figured bass, then I had to analyze a chorale by listening only. I did great on everything except the last part. I've never had to listen and without paper figure out what I'm hearing. Usually I would dictate what I hear on some paper and then analyze the chords I've spelled out. (Doesn't everyone?) :) It's an interesting skill and definitely one I could develop. I think I showed I have skills and could be useful in their department, and that's all I was hoping to do. (After realizing I had to utilize skills I haven't used in over 6 years!)
At this point I was done showcasing myself but had some time so I went and watched part of the opera rehearsal. They're doing Don Giovanni and I got to see some of the blocking rehearsal. I really liked watching their director work. Seems like a really cool guy that I could get along with. At this point, it's 4pm and I've been there for 6 hours and am thoroughly exhausted so I call it a day.
The rest of my time was spent with members of the Rein clan hanging out, getting dinner, and just enjoying each others company. It was so great seeing them and adding that into my weekend. Then I headed home and promptly started a full weekend of activities including benefits, birthday parties, staging rehearsals, a sitz probe with the orchestra, and a superbowl. Now that auditions are done I've been focusing on this other production of Eleanor that is this Sunday. It's going to be good. It feels different this time, and different is a good thing here. Everyone is more at ease, the cast is having a great time, and I leave each rehearsal smiling and fulfilled. It's exhausting, of course, and I can't believe we're doing all this for one performance only, but I'm glad for the opportunity, either way.
In the mean time I'm also accompanying a choir rehearsal tonight, have a Shakespeare read-through tomorrow, and jump back in full-force to Sweeney rehearsals come Saturday.
I am so ready for doctor school.
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