Hugs and doppelgangers. In that order.

So I'm back to school.  Like, in school and attending classes.  I sit down and let other people learn me some stuff.  It's AWESOME.  Anyone who wondered why I'd want to go back to school or who worried about me being "a student again" can rest easy because this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.  It's so obvious it's almost silly. 

Of course I'm homesick.  I get homesick because I'm a human being with feelings and junk.  I miss my friends, I miss my crazy awesome family, I miss a quick text to set up some plans and go grab a drink, or a string of mass texts to get people together for a night out.  I miss the Fellows, sort of.  I really like central air and counter tops so it's hard to think of much else when it comes to that place, but yeah, I miss the Fellows too.  (I miss my fellows, of course.)  I could keep going, I miss my students, I miss my routine, I miss the anticipation for Jagerday... but most of all I miss hugs.  I've hugged many a person here in NC.  They really are fantastic people and good for hugging.  But there is a kind of hug you get and give someone that you know.  No one here has known me more than a few weeks.  I am a physical-contact kind of lady.  I'm a toucher.  Not in the inappropriate sense, mind you, but I like hugs, and pats on the arm and little back rubs and physical contact.  It's a part of intimacy for me, or something like that.  Whatever I mean to say that I feel more connected to people when we have physical contact.  That's why.  So I'm just not at that point yet with the new people.  Which is fine!  I would actually find it a little strange if this weren't the situation.  It's just what I've noticed most about what I miss from NY. 

One of the strangest things to deal with having moved away from everyone is the doppelganger situation.  My brain is still programed to expect to see certain people in certain places.  So I do.  My brain sees someone and processes so quickly it thinks it is someone I know when it is absolutely NOT someone I know.  Jim has a doppelganger in the music school.  I nearly dropped my books and stared open-mouthed when I first saw the kid.  His is the most striking.  Other people have peripheral doppelgangers.  Out of the corner of my eye I swear I just saw Terry, or Princess, or the weirder ones when I'm reminded of someone from high school that I haven't seen in over 11 years.  The brain I think seeks out what it knows when we are someplace new.  Mine certainly does.  I think my brain is trying so hard to recognize someone it is instantly creating age-renderings of people I knew when I was a teenager.  Fortunately I let my little sightings take me back to a memory with their true counterpart and I smile as I remember someone fondly from home.  I have yet to take the Shannon-route and walk up to someone to tell them they look very familiar and have we by chance met before?? 

The brain.  So weird. 

School is great and I am great and my apartment is great and the people are great.  Now you know everything you need to and thankyouverymuchhaveaniceday. 

Maybe it's the wine talking...

...but I'm in quite the "share the love" kind of mood tonight.  I don't know.  I uprooted my entire life and moved 5 states and over 600 miles away from everyone I know and love.  I'm going back to school after being the professor for 5 years.  I'm living completely alone and responsible for all of the bills.  But I'm pretty sure I have not been this happy in a long time.  Now I mean no offense to my peeps back home.  Don't get me wrong, I am very happy when I'm home and I love seeing you and spending time with you, and I miss you all terribly.  (Okay Princess?)  :)  I'm happy.  I spent about two years thinking about this decision to get a DMA and I did everything I had to in order to make this possible and now that it's happening, it couldn't be more right.  I have chosen the absolute perfect program for me.  I see that more and more every day.  I met a bunch of the voice grad students this past weekend and realized rather quickly that they're like me.  They are immensely talented and driven, and successful, but they are humble and smart and sincere.  It's a mixture of ages, places in life, and home towns (though mostly east coast from what I gather) but every single person I meet cements my first impression that these are the people I should be growing with.  Throw into that my new voice teacher who I'm not sure could be a better match for me, and I can't help but be happy and excited about what's coming over the next three years. 

So that's all really.  Just a quick note to let you all know that I am really happy here and barring no major disasters (because let's be real, life happens) I see this being the greatest adventure of my life.  Just like I hoped it would be. 

I can't sleep.

I have "TA training" from 8am-5pm tomorrow.  That sucks ass.  What sucks worse is I can't for the life of me fall asleep.  I would have been okay, I think, but I got an e-mail from my new voice teacher with some updates on how we may approach my repertoire (current and new) and talking about church jobs, and BAM.  I am wide awake and in no mood for sleep.  When I try, I lay here thinking about weekly voice lessons, opera auditions, accompanying, imparting my skills in a whole new state.  The excitement of performance and growth is making sleep a far away notion.  This also tends to happen when I know I have to be up in the morning.  So tomorrow will drag even more so than it would have originally, but I don't care.  I'm going to be singing again REAL soon.  Like, real-real soon. 

I did have a productive day, though.  After reading more of my book I decided to take action and accomplish some school-related tasks.  I successfully found a free parking spot, got my parking permit, walked to the student ID center (across the street from the parking office.  How conVEEEEnient.), meandered over to the music building only taking one minor detour, signed up for some classroom keys for my teaching spaces, and walked back to my car in the most direct path even with my car being nearly on another side of campus.  After all that, I came home and napped on my love seat.  But then I got another suitcase put away after an inspirational talk from my sister, and went to dinner with my upstairs neighbor and her new masters student friend who is also stuck in the god awful training tomorrow.  So we shall suffer together. 

This has been most of my days so far.  Some reading, some unpacking, some laying, some cooking... but I'll soon be adding some studying to that.  I have a couple diagnostic exams next week (tests to see if I need a brush-up course in theory or history) and I'd like to pass those with flying colors because I do NOT want to take a brush-up in anything.  Before I know it, classes will have started and I'll be teaching and learning all at once!  I hope to stay on top of my crap.  I'm really good at making excuses and I'd like to change that about myself.  My hope is that I will be at least one week ahead in my planning for Class Voice, and I'll be caught up with all reading assignments for my courses.  It's achievable, but as a goddess in the heavens of procrastination, this can go downhill fast.  The difference here is I don't have the distractions of home.  I'm not teaching 19 students, planning a history course I've never taught before, music directing shows, teaching private lessons and singing with a church choir whilst trying to maintain a semblance of a social life.  So it should all be just fine. 

Well I guess I'll quit keeping you all from your productive lives simply because I can't sleep.  I can't really call this a blog.  This was more of a catch-up e-mail.  So I shall end it as such.

Love always,
~Bridget

I asked for it.

Change.  When something is no longer the same.  I cannot and do not believe this is here and this is really happening.  I live in North Carolina now.  I have my very own apartment with all my own furniture and everything in here is mine.  I'm hundreds of miles from everyone I know and love, and I start school in 2 weeks.  As you'd expect, living alone, having my own place, starting school-- are not monumental moments, but are actually really, really nice.  It's the being away from everyone that's put the knot in my stomach.  Not a huge one, mind you, one that was small enough to go unnoticed for a few hours, but large enough to keep me from being hungry a majority of the day.   

So let's back this up.  All last week I was trying to prepare for this move.  I wanted everything packed and organized in a way that would make loading and unloading the truck really easy.  I had tons of helpers who really pulled through and made this possible.  I was also trying to see as many people as I could before leaving and trying to hit up some of my favorite spots too.  (Including a day trip with Jim out to Herkimer, and up to Custard Cottage with a detour through Old Forge.)  When Thursday rolled around and it was pack-the-truck day, I started to feel the anxiety of moving.  I never got overwhelmed, I never broke down and cried, I simply accepted it.  I accepted that this was happening, and there were numerous things that had to be done in order to accomplish the move.  So I approached moving as a set of small, achievable tasks.  I think that helped keep me from freaking out.  It also helped that I didn't really say goodbye to anyone.  I said a lot of "See you later!"  or "Till next time!"  and that helped keep things in perspective.  I mean, let's face it.  I'm not gone forever.  I'm gone for a few months.  Think about it.  During musical time, who all do I actually see for those few months if you're not directly involved with the shows I'm doing?  Think of it like that, and it's not so bad anymore.

I digress.  Thursday is truck packing day and Pupah came over to help me finish getting stuff into boxes and before I knew it, it's 5:00 and time to get the truck.  From there, things start to blur.  My cousin Sean, my friend Stewart, my girl Kristy, and then Stan, Mom and Dad all came to help load up Big Mama.  (The truck.)  I received the blessing from my mom that I had prepped pretty well and the whole process went smoothly.  Sean's UPS skills came in handy as he spear headed the load-in, and honestly, not a thing moved from Thursday night until Saturday afternoon.  Seriously not a box shifted, not a lamp broke, everything showed up in the same condition it was in when we left.  After celebrating our victory at Zebb's, it was time for bed.  Sleep was not my friend last week as I really wanted it to be, which is probably why it wasn't, but there was nothing to be done for that.  Friday became a "get everything done that I didn't do this week" kind of day and I even threw in a few extras.  My sister Kristy was a huge help as we cleaned out the rest of the Fellows, and ran errands to prep for the drive.  This was the first moment I felt a little emotional.  I walked through the Fellows, kinda stopped in each room, had a sad song playing in my head to accentuate the moment, and thought of a few memories before moving on to the next.  That place was my home for 4 years and it was wonderful.  I'm entirely different now than I was when I moved in.  A lot of what I learned living at the Fellows has prepared me for living alone now.  I'm sad to have had to leave, but happy to have so many memories.

So after a brief rest, I get up and shower and the whole family prepares for take off.  Around 11:45pm we officially head south for Greensboro.  With stops for gas, bathrooms, stretching, and driver-shifting, we arrived in Greensboro at 12:20pm Saturday afternoon.  My adrenaline was pumping and here we experience the second time I felt emotional regarding this move.  When I opened my door for the very first time and walked around, I had that "Oh shit, this is really happening." moment.  After a second I pulled it together and we started the unloading process.  It was as easy as I'd hoped it would be.  Dad, Kristy, and I would unload boxes and get them to Stan and Mom who referenced my list and placed the boxes in the appropriate rooms.  When we were tired or too hot we'd rest.  When we were on a roll, we kept going.  We even got all of my furniture out and into the apartment with no issue.  My family is full of rock stars and they shone brightest on Saturday.  We had everything done and inside before we even went to get Shannon.  From here the next couple days blend together.  There was shopping, eating, laughing, more eating, TONS more laughing, some sleeping, and a lot of unpacking.  I discovered that some furniture pieces that I've had for decades I no longer need simply because they no longer serve a purpose.  Now that I have a bathroom with space for all of my stuff that I don't have to share with anyone, I don't need two separate surfaces to lay out make up and hair supplies.  Now that I have fancy new bookcases (a gift from the fam!) I no longer need an old bookcase covered in crayon and gum.  Growing up is strange indeed.

The laughing is probably the part I'll remember most from this whole trip.  All six of us are parts of a larger whole and have very similar senses of humor.  Combine that with the fact that we're all a little bit awesome and you have yourself an entertaining time.  Seriously, we would be in a restaurant, or sitting in my living room, or split up between two cars, and the laughter would flow freely from everyone and everywhere.  No one yelled.  No one got mad.  There were times that exhaustion would rear its ugly head and people would feel a little tense.  Those were the times we sought solitude.  Everyone respected each others needs for solitude and space, as much as everyone was there the second they were needed.  It was absolutely incredible to have my family here for this.  Now that I'm hundreds of miles away, I feel closer to them all. 

So that brings us back to today.  Shannon left last night and the rest left this morning.  I didn't cry, I didn't freak out, but I did get the knot in my stomach.  I spent a lot of today sitting.  I still need to take it all in.  There is lots to do, but I have nothing but time right now.  Today I built the 3rd bookcase, emptied the boxes of music and books (though there are a solid 5 books I can't find right now... that's mildly concerning) and shifted around a cupboard and couple drawers in the kitchen.  The rest of the time was spent napping, sitting on the internet or playing spider solitaire, or sitting.  I know me and I know this is how I deal.  There is a very good reason I took 2 years to wrap my head around pursuing a DMA.  It makes no sense to think I will be a fully functioning human being in mere hours living 5 states away from where I was born.  So I will continue to do this my way, and continue tackling one box at a time.  I have one room that needs a lot of work, and my bedroom that needs a moderate amount of work.  I still need to purchase a few storage units for my music files, and something for the dining room, but I have furniture, art work on the walls, and little imprints of my whole family being here with me for my first few days in North Carolina.  I'm gonna be just fine.