If you had asked me 2 months ago if I saw myself spending most of my summer living in a dorm with a bunch of opera singers working for a dance program closer to home than I've been all year, I would have told you no. No, I did not see myself doing any of those things. It's a good thing no one asked me.
I arrived Tuesday in Chautauqua, NY after a whirlwind packing/moving/cleaning adventure back in Greensboro. The short story is this: My voice teacher's wife (henceforth referred to as "Boss Lady" or maybe just BL. That's not offensive, right?) has worked as Program Director for the Chautauqua Dance program for almost 20 years. She needed a new assistant this summer and RW (voice teacher) thought I might be a good fit. Within 10 hours of his asking me my plans for the summer, I was hired. So here I am, and here I shall be until August 16th. At that point I will drive back to Greensboro, and begin moving into my new (to me) condo I'm sharing with my girl Sarah. So before I could leave, I had to get everything out of my apt at Lincoln Green and into storage so it could hang out there until I get back in August. It's going to be an insane weekend when both Sarah and I get back from being out of state for two months and attempt to move in that weekend before classes begin the following Monday. But for this incredible opportunity to be so close to home (3 1/2 hours), work 40 hours in a beautiful area and a laid back environment, how could I pass it up? Well I couldn't, and I didn't.
It was a bit overwhelming when I arrived. I had been so focused on The Mikado, then packing, then the days at the beach, then more packing, then moving, then cleaning out the apt, then driving here that when I actually arrived I realized I still had no idea what to expect. (If you know me, you know I'm not too good when it comes to the unknown.) So here I am, exhausted from the last few days, and the long drive, and walk into the common room and see a bunch of singers my age (younger really) who are all living the dream in their own way, and I have to say "Hi, I'm Bridget, I'm working in dance, but I'm actually a singer. I'm living in NC but I'm really from Syracuse." and I get a glossy stare back because that's a lot of information to share, but I'd prefer that to hearing over and over again that I'm in the singer's house and, well, singers can be kinda crazy and a little loud from time to time, lol. Yes. I know this. Anywho, long story still long, it was a lot to take in all at once so after some unpacking I opened a bottle of wine (cleaned out a Harris Teeter of my favorite vintage) and proceeded to settle in. A few phone calls later, I was feeling good and accepted that this is indeed where I will be for the next two months and that is okay. It'll become more okay when I get to go home tomorrow and squeeze some babies and see my beeches and talk to my friends who probably think I've fallen off of the face of the planet. (I'm still here! I got your voicemail/text message/facebook message, and I will reply eventually!) I will apparently be watching a hockey game in the evening, and as I know next to nothing about hockey, it should prove to be interesting. I'll also get to see my future roomie tomorrow as she stops in Syracuse on her way to Canada eh? :)
The job on the whole is great. The only tough part is not really knowing what I'm doing until I am handed a task. Today I was handed a multitude of tasks and I completed each of them so I'm starting to get a feel for what it is exactly that I do. I can't explain it, the BL who's been there nearly 20 years couldn't really explain it, so don't expect an explanation. What I can say is on my first day the BL told me to take a leisurely lunch, and to come back "I don't know, in around an hour?" I helped make some beds for the faculty that were arriving late at night, made some schedule templates, made a bulletin board, and toured the grounds. Today, however, I had some real work to do and it was nice. I felt helpful and like a part of the folds of the program. I'm gonna be just fine but I have to remind myself this isn't teaching. My job is not to be in charge of everything in front of me, and it is certainly not to have all the answers. My job is to help do the time consuming tasks so the BL can have the answers and keep the program running smoothly. So when I'm sitting at my computer zoning out while I mess around with importing pictures and labeling names wondering if I should be spending my time doing this, I have to remember that yes. This is my job this summer. To do the time-consuming, sometimes mind numbing, tasks and that when 5:00 hits, I leave it all there and come back to it tomorrow.
I am not poo poo-ing being a desk job person. I'm saying being an administrative assistant at a summer program is a far cry from being a voice teacher. And it is a far cry I think I will enjoy for the next two months.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Real-World Application
Moving opens your eyes to all sorts of things you never knew about yourself or other people. When you help a friend move, you sort of get a glimpse into their inner workings. You can see how they work under pressure, how they handle stress, their ability to go with the flow, their level of organization... You also learn things about yourself when dealing with a move. A lot of the things I already listed, plus some interesting physical boundaries you thought existed, that may no longer exist. For example, I never realized the real-world application of marching backwards, or the possibilities of learning to walk forward in a kimono. When you're carrying an awkward dining room table backwards that does not allow your legs to extend underneath, you either biff your shins relentlessly, or you pop up into relevé, keep your legs in line and march backwards at 8 to the 5. (I have to give a shout out to the Northstars Marching Band. I never marched on a field a day in my life, but I did the block warm ups every night. Thanks Northstars.) In a similar fashion, when you're carrying a two-drawer file cabinet forwards with no room for leg extension and it's too wide to crab-it, you put on your mental kimono, keep those knees together and take graceful tiny steps with minimal bouncing. (This one usually involves some artless Japanese giggling, for effect.)
My most surprising real-world application came from a yoga pose. I am not a yoga guru. I've done it maybe 15 times in my life, including a semester of modern dance, and the 6 movement classes at my program this summer. I can rock out a mean sun salutation, however, and this knowledge became increasingly apparent when I was cleaning out my trunk before I brought a load of stuff over to the storage unit. There I am reaching into the far recesses of my trunk, trying to get these CDs out I haven't listened to in years, if ever, and I'm about ready to climb in the damn thing because my back is hitting the top and my arms are too short, but if I climb in, the trunk will close on me and then I'll be stuck in there because I can't remember where the escape hatch is, and it's really hot and maybe I'll suffocate, or maybe someone will hear me, when I remember - downward facing dog bitches. I hated this move the first time I learned sun salutations. My arms would shake, I'd start to slide, I found no peace in this position the instructors insisted on spending long periods of time in. This time around, I realized it's not about pushing myself forward onto my hands, but about centering myself, relaxing my hips and letting my weight balance more towards the middle. This little adjustment allowed my back to arch just a little bit more, giving me the leverage I needed to reach the back of my trunk, saving not only myself, but an unopened copy of Die Winterreise, an old recording of mine, a Shinedown CD, Act I of Frida that didn't even have me singing on it, a copy of a church's Christmas CD, and some disgusting looking unmarked CD. Thank you, downward dog, for these wonderful treasures.
So marching band and yoga come to my rescue offering the tools I need to succeed as an independent adult. But let's cut funding for music programs, and force-feed proofs, theorems and equations to meet the state standard in our schools. (now there's a segue for ya.)
My most surprising real-world application came from a yoga pose. I am not a yoga guru. I've done it maybe 15 times in my life, including a semester of modern dance, and the 6 movement classes at my program this summer. I can rock out a mean sun salutation, however, and this knowledge became increasingly apparent when I was cleaning out my trunk before I brought a load of stuff over to the storage unit. There I am reaching into the far recesses of my trunk, trying to get these CDs out I haven't listened to in years, if ever, and I'm about ready to climb in the damn thing because my back is hitting the top and my arms are too short, but if I climb in, the trunk will close on me and then I'll be stuck in there because I can't remember where the escape hatch is, and it's really hot and maybe I'll suffocate, or maybe someone will hear me, when I remember - downward facing dog bitches. I hated this move the first time I learned sun salutations. My arms would shake, I'd start to slide, I found no peace in this position the instructors insisted on spending long periods of time in. This time around, I realized it's not about pushing myself forward onto my hands, but about centering myself, relaxing my hips and letting my weight balance more towards the middle. This little adjustment allowed my back to arch just a little bit more, giving me the leverage I needed to reach the back of my trunk, saving not only myself, but an unopened copy of Die Winterreise, an old recording of mine, a Shinedown CD, Act I of Frida that didn't even have me singing on it, a copy of a church's Christmas CD, and some disgusting looking unmarked CD. Thank you, downward dog, for these wonderful treasures.
So marching band and yoga come to my rescue offering the tools I need to succeed as an independent adult. But let's cut funding for music programs, and force-feed proofs, theorems and equations to meet the state standard in our schools. (now there's a segue for ya.)
Monday, May 20, 2013
Another year, another decade.
So I turned 30 a couple weeks back. I can honestly say I was looking forward to it. As I've said many times before, my 20s were fine. I'd even say they were damn good. But they were by no means the decade that will define my life and my accomplishments. No, I looked forward to turning 30, and will remain optimistic for the coming decade.
The funniest thing I've noticed is people's reactions to my age. I'm involved with a summer program here in Greensboro and have met a bunch of new and wonderful singers. As we've gotten to know each other, the subject of age comes up and every time I say I'm 30, someone stares at me blankly, clearly calculating, and usually follows with some exclamation of my not looking my age. They think I'm in my early 20's. Aren't I in my undergrad still? I even had to show one girl my ID. Now I find this all immensely flattering and love that I look younger than the number associated with my length of time inhabiting earth, but it makes me think. Three weeks ago, I was 29. All that has really changed in that time are the numbers I use to state my age. When I was 27, 28, and then 29 I started hearing from more people that I didn't look my age at all, I looked much younger, maybe early 20s. I'm used to this response. But I never got the reactions I get now, and the only difference is a couple of weeks. It begs to be asked, how do we picture 29 year olds, and how different is that from how we picture 30 year olds? Essentially, and especially at my state, we're talking about a difference of weeks. We hear that someone is 30 and (let me be clear, I'm speaking mostly to the early to mid 20's crowd.) think of what it might be like when WE turn 30, but since it's so far away, or such a milestone, clearly we must look different when it finally happens.
Well, all I'll say is I will really enjoy redefining 30 for the younger generation while enjoying the youthful glow I've been blessed with thanks to my awesome parents! (Seriously parents, rock on for young faces!)
The title of today's blog does hold a bit of a double meaning. A year ago today the lives in my family changed forever when Stan's husband died. I knew this day was coming, and I tried to prepare for it, but in actuality I didn't know how. When last night rolled around and I still didn't know what to do, I let myself fall into a bit of a daze and let habit carry me for awhile. To be honest, I hadn't felt that lost in a long time. See, it's not just Steve's death that's on the mind, it's his son's 4th birthday, and being away from my family for all of this, and wanting to be there to even, just be there and do nothing about anything. I'm learning more about the difficulties of dealing with death when you live alone and in a different part of the country. Sure, I've grieved and sure I had said my goodbye's and I know everyone is okay and will be okay and will continue to live and move forward. I know Stan is in good hands and lives every day with a smile and a positive outlook because there is just no reason to live any other way. I get all of this. But I don't get to experience it daily. Being here, I can sort of, ignore that part of life, bury it underneath school or my busy schedule. Now, there is not a single solitary day goes by that I don't think of Steve. Let's get that straight right now. I guess all I'm saying is without being there, literally there with the family, I don't get to move forward with them. I deal in my way, they deal in theirs, I sort of - miss out - on the chance to just look at someone and say "you know what, today kind of sucks." and have them look back at me and say "yeah, I understand." I have wonderful friends here who get it and who I could say that to, but it's just not the same as saying that to someone that went through the same thing, with you.
I wasn't sure if I would go through with posting all of this. I don't want to be drudging up old feelings or forcing people to relive last year. But I've also seriously struggled with how to deal with this down here, and understanding that I have to do this a little differently, and sort of on my own, is helpful and necessary. Like I said before, we are a positive-outlook kind of family. We do not waste time dwelling on the negative. Find the good in everything you see and do, and let that be what pulls you forward. I started today feeling lost and clouded. After a meditative walk in the rain, I was able to bring myself back to the present and accept that today is a day that was going to come. I had to accept that today happened. But tomorrow will also happen. Today does not have to be confusing. Today can absolutely be about celebrating my nephew's birthday and remembering his father in any way that seems appropriate. We have to bring the past into the present so we can more aptly move into the future. It's a delicate balance, and I'm going to screw it up a few times, but I'll get the hang of it. After all, I'm in my 30s now, so clearly I'm ready to take on the world.
The funniest thing I've noticed is people's reactions to my age. I'm involved with a summer program here in Greensboro and have met a bunch of new and wonderful singers. As we've gotten to know each other, the subject of age comes up and every time I say I'm 30, someone stares at me blankly, clearly calculating, and usually follows with some exclamation of my not looking my age. They think I'm in my early 20's. Aren't I in my undergrad still? I even had to show one girl my ID. Now I find this all immensely flattering and love that I look younger than the number associated with my length of time inhabiting earth, but it makes me think. Three weeks ago, I was 29. All that has really changed in that time are the numbers I use to state my age. When I was 27, 28, and then 29 I started hearing from more people that I didn't look my age at all, I looked much younger, maybe early 20s. I'm used to this response. But I never got the reactions I get now, and the only difference is a couple of weeks. It begs to be asked, how do we picture 29 year olds, and how different is that from how we picture 30 year olds? Essentially, and especially at my state, we're talking about a difference of weeks. We hear that someone is 30 and (let me be clear, I'm speaking mostly to the early to mid 20's crowd.) think of what it might be like when WE turn 30, but since it's so far away, or such a milestone, clearly we must look different when it finally happens.
Well, all I'll say is I will really enjoy redefining 30 for the younger generation while enjoying the youthful glow I've been blessed with thanks to my awesome parents! (Seriously parents, rock on for young faces!)
The title of today's blog does hold a bit of a double meaning. A year ago today the lives in my family changed forever when Stan's husband died. I knew this day was coming, and I tried to prepare for it, but in actuality I didn't know how. When last night rolled around and I still didn't know what to do, I let myself fall into a bit of a daze and let habit carry me for awhile. To be honest, I hadn't felt that lost in a long time. See, it's not just Steve's death that's on the mind, it's his son's 4th birthday, and being away from my family for all of this, and wanting to be there to even, just be there and do nothing about anything. I'm learning more about the difficulties of dealing with death when you live alone and in a different part of the country. Sure, I've grieved and sure I had said my goodbye's and I know everyone is okay and will be okay and will continue to live and move forward. I know Stan is in good hands and lives every day with a smile and a positive outlook because there is just no reason to live any other way. I get all of this. But I don't get to experience it daily. Being here, I can sort of, ignore that part of life, bury it underneath school or my busy schedule. Now, there is not a single solitary day goes by that I don't think of Steve. Let's get that straight right now. I guess all I'm saying is without being there, literally there with the family, I don't get to move forward with them. I deal in my way, they deal in theirs, I sort of - miss out - on the chance to just look at someone and say "you know what, today kind of sucks." and have them look back at me and say "yeah, I understand." I have wonderful friends here who get it and who I could say that to, but it's just not the same as saying that to someone that went through the same thing, with you.
I wasn't sure if I would go through with posting all of this. I don't want to be drudging up old feelings or forcing people to relive last year. But I've also seriously struggled with how to deal with this down here, and understanding that I have to do this a little differently, and sort of on my own, is helpful and necessary. Like I said before, we are a positive-outlook kind of family. We do not waste time dwelling on the negative. Find the good in everything you see and do, and let that be what pulls you forward. I started today feeling lost and clouded. After a meditative walk in the rain, I was able to bring myself back to the present and accept that today is a day that was going to come. I had to accept that today happened. But tomorrow will also happen. Today does not have to be confusing. Today can absolutely be about celebrating my nephew's birthday and remembering his father in any way that seems appropriate. We have to bring the past into the present so we can more aptly move into the future. It's a delicate balance, and I'm going to screw it up a few times, but I'll get the hang of it. After all, I'm in my 30s now, so clearly I'm ready to take on the world.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
No excuses.
I totes stopped blogging. For like, months. Why? I'm in school. If you know me, you know that means I reach a few month period where I nearly fall off of the face of the planet. This happened to be mid-late January-end of April. In that time I completed another semester of school, leading roles in two operas, landed another role in another opera, met my godson, and hopefully nailed the crap out of my classes. I was preoccupied. Not that I'm any less preoccupied right now, but things are slowing down a bit which is nice. I'm still in the process of learning the next role I have coming up in June, and I have a recital to prepare for in October, plus two small gigs and a performance in an Opera Gala next September, plus looking ahead to auditions for the '13-14 season of being a singer, so essentially, classes and teaching are done. That alone gives way to much more time. It's a sexy, sexy thing. I'm reading for fun. I cleaned my apartment for what feels like the first time since I moved in. I read through and highlighted the latest Classical Singer magazine. I have yet to get my groceries, but, get this, I have a ton of time tomorrow too! These magical things called "weekends" that I get to experience every now and then. Brilliant!!
Anywho, here's a basic rundown of what's been going on. Most of this has been on the facebook and most of you are friends with me on the facebook so I don't need to go into too many gory details. Here goes.
I sang two lead roles this semester at UNCG. The first was Madame Euterpova in Menotti's Help, Help, the Globolinks! A crazy piece about aliens and I was blonde and wore pink glasses and a fur hat and tried to seduce the dean of the school while turning in my resignation because the students did not bring their instruments home to practice. (A very straight forward show.)
During the rehearsal process for this show, we took a two week hiatus to start staging for Cendrillon (Cinderella) which was the other opera I sang in, this time as Cinderella. We had a guest director who was incredible and I think I made a wonderful contact for life so beyond the fact that I did some of my best work on stage that I can remember, I learned an incredible amount.
I also sang for a local competition and placed but didn't win. Now, winning isn't everything. It's a lot, but it's not everything. I was sorely disappointed when I didn't win. I have battled all semester with my performing. I can do this great work in my lessons, and make some of the most incredible sounds I've ever made, but when it comes down to presenting that for anyone else, including my super supportive studio, something falls short. After yet another bafflingly not-as-good-as-I-thought-it-should-be performance in studio, I finally lost it and emailed my teacher asking him for the answers to life the universe, and everything. (Turns out, for a singer, it's not 42.) Essentially I was frustrated because I know I have so much more to share and give and I feel like I can't do that in performance. It always holds me back. My teacher sent an incredible reply that helped put things in perspective and, of course, reminded me I'm not alone in this and everything I'm feeling is understandable. I read through his response 3 or 4 times to just let it all sink in.
What this boils down to for me is to be more general in my performance. Not with intention, or connection to music, but in what I want to accomplish. I can't go into every performance expecting to maintain my open lower back, feel the height in every vowel, keep sounds in the "ng" place, feel every breath release, don't ease into the onset, keep the breath flowing consistently, don't grip, remember every word/vowel modification, and act without locking up. This is literally the short list of things I hoped to accomplish in every performance. Intellectually I knew I was working too hard but emotionally I hadn't been able to step back and trust. My last two performances of the semester I went in with just a couple broad goals. Stay "in my light," trust each onset, and lose myself in the character. Low and behold, each performance was better than the last, and I ended the semester feeling really good about where I'm heading. It feels like a major break through and I don't even know if it makes sense to non-singers or non-performers. Just trust that it was a big wall I had built and I finally feel like I can start to chip away at it. Now I'm looking for competitions and auditions to keep working at this. I have something really awesome to share, and need opportunities to share it. Why not, right? I'm totes worth it.
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| Look at me go, posting a picture like I'm a regular blogger! So proud. |
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| Madame Euterpova |
Anywho, here's a basic rundown of what's been going on. Most of this has been on the facebook and most of you are friends with me on the facebook so I don't need to go into too many gory details. Here goes.
I sang two lead roles this semester at UNCG. The first was Madame Euterpova in Menotti's Help, Help, the Globolinks! A crazy piece about aliens and I was blonde and wore pink glasses and a fur hat and tried to seduce the dean of the school while turning in my resignation because the students did not bring their instruments home to practice. (A very straight forward show.)
During the rehearsal process for this show, we took a two week hiatus to start staging for Cendrillon (Cinderella) which was the other opera I sang in, this time as Cinderella. We had a guest director who was incredible and I think I made a wonderful contact for life so beyond the fact that I did some of my best work on stage that I can remember, I learned an incredible amount.
I also sang for a local competition and placed but didn't win. Now, winning isn't everything. It's a lot, but it's not everything. I was sorely disappointed when I didn't win. I have battled all semester with my performing. I can do this great work in my lessons, and make some of the most incredible sounds I've ever made, but when it comes down to presenting that for anyone else, including my super supportive studio, something falls short. After yet another bafflingly not-as-good-as-I-thought-it-should-be performance in studio, I finally lost it and emailed my teacher asking him for the answers to life the universe, and everything. (Turns out, for a singer, it's not 42.) Essentially I was frustrated because I know I have so much more to share and give and I feel like I can't do that in performance. It always holds me back. My teacher sent an incredible reply that helped put things in perspective and, of course, reminded me I'm not alone in this and everything I'm feeling is understandable. I read through his response 3 or 4 times to just let it all sink in.
What this boils down to for me is to be more general in my performance. Not with intention, or connection to music, but in what I want to accomplish. I can't go into every performance expecting to maintain my open lower back, feel the height in every vowel, keep sounds in the "ng" place, feel every breath release, don't ease into the onset, keep the breath flowing consistently, don't grip, remember every word/vowel modification, and act without locking up. This is literally the short list of things I hoped to accomplish in every performance. Intellectually I knew I was working too hard but emotionally I hadn't been able to step back and trust. My last two performances of the semester I went in with just a couple broad goals. Stay "in my light," trust each onset, and lose myself in the character. Low and behold, each performance was better than the last, and I ended the semester feeling really good about where I'm heading. It feels like a major break through and I don't even know if it makes sense to non-singers or non-performers. Just trust that it was a big wall I had built and I finally feel like I can start to chip away at it. Now I'm looking for competitions and auditions to keep working at this. I have something really awesome to share, and need opportunities to share it. Why not, right? I'm totes worth it.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
A moment of your time
"I have died every day waiting for you. Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more." (A Thousand Years - Christina Perri)
I heard this song tonight for what feels like the first time. It's not. I've heard it before. Tonight though, it's the most beautiful song in the world. Tomorrow it will just be another pop song that doesn't suck. This is the beauty of music. It has the ability to put feelings into words. Music makes us feel like we don't have to say anything, because it's all been said for us. I read a great quote about one author's reasoning for why humans study music. It was written by David Ackert of the LA Times and quickly went viral around the social network as musicians around the country found someone to give their art a voice. He has put into words what I believe a lot of us never even knew we felt. (He also makes us sound totally bad-ass and who wouldn't want to sound totally bad-ass?) Skip this if you like, but it may give my non-musician friends an idea as to why we have to be in music. The few lines in bold are the ones that really gave me pause.
“Singers and Musicians are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, they face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every note, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because musicians and singers are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that melody, that lyric, that chord, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Singers and Musicians are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.”
You see musicians are selfish people. It's in our nature. We say we're givers, or many of us believe ourselves to be givers, but it's a facade. The musicians who blabber on about their art being for the public and sharing themselves with the world, giving you, the adoring fans, a glimpse into the soul of a true performer... are full of malarkey. It's about the magical moment. We do this because it feels incredible. When the stars have aligned (read: when the technique has been practiced to a point of accessibility in a high pressure situation) and beautiful music spews forth from one's loins, there is a feeling unlike any other that accompanies that moment. That feeling cannot be replicated anywhere else. I've even experienced it a few times. These moments though, they really are fleeting. A chord with a lyric underlined with emotion set up with a harmonic progression established by themes and motives all coming together to join with proper vowel tuning, efficient posture, substantial and consistent breath, physical engagement and a connection to the world around you metamorphoses into what is simply called - a moment. People react to this moment and that does add to the fulfillment that performers talk about. I don't believe it is the feedback we crave. The true fulfillment comes from creating. It comes from building a moment that no one else can build and creating a memory that only you can create. Performances can be recorded but emotions cannot. The moment has passed and is now just a memory, never to be felt again. It's what makes music so unique. It is an art form that once it escapes, once the air has left, it is gone.
This song, that feels so significant tonight, is a part of a moment I'm living in right now. My experiences today, or this week, have lead me to be here: sitting on my couch, just finished a movie, feeling what I feel and bringing me to an emotional place for this song to speak directly to me. This moment is mine and like every one before it, it shall pass only to be replaced by another. All that matters now is that this song represents in ways I can't describe what I'm waiting for - what is next. My next moment.
I heard this song tonight for what feels like the first time. It's not. I've heard it before. Tonight though, it's the most beautiful song in the world. Tomorrow it will just be another pop song that doesn't suck. This is the beauty of music. It has the ability to put feelings into words. Music makes us feel like we don't have to say anything, because it's all been said for us. I read a great quote about one author's reasoning for why humans study music. It was written by David Ackert of the LA Times and quickly went viral around the social network as musicians around the country found someone to give their art a voice. He has put into words what I believe a lot of us never even knew we felt. (He also makes us sound totally bad-ass and who wouldn't want to sound totally bad-ass?) Skip this if you like, but it may give my non-musician friends an idea as to why we have to be in music. The few lines in bold are the ones that really gave me pause.
“Singers and Musicians are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, they face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every note, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because musicians and singers are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that melody, that lyric, that chord, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Singers and Musicians are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.”
You see musicians are selfish people. It's in our nature. We say we're givers, or many of us believe ourselves to be givers, but it's a facade. The musicians who blabber on about their art being for the public and sharing themselves with the world, giving you, the adoring fans, a glimpse into the soul of a true performer... are full of malarkey. It's about the magical moment. We do this because it feels incredible. When the stars have aligned (read: when the technique has been practiced to a point of accessibility in a high pressure situation) and beautiful music spews forth from one's loins, there is a feeling unlike any other that accompanies that moment. That feeling cannot be replicated anywhere else. I've even experienced it a few times. These moments though, they really are fleeting. A chord with a lyric underlined with emotion set up with a harmonic progression established by themes and motives all coming together to join with proper vowel tuning, efficient posture, substantial and consistent breath, physical engagement and a connection to the world around you metamorphoses into what is simply called - a moment. People react to this moment and that does add to the fulfillment that performers talk about. I don't believe it is the feedback we crave. The true fulfillment comes from creating. It comes from building a moment that no one else can build and creating a memory that only you can create. Performances can be recorded but emotions cannot. The moment has passed and is now just a memory, never to be felt again. It's what makes music so unique. It is an art form that once it escapes, once the air has left, it is gone.
This song, that feels so significant tonight, is a part of a moment I'm living in right now. My experiences today, or this week, have lead me to be here: sitting on my couch, just finished a movie, feeling what I feel and bringing me to an emotional place for this song to speak directly to me. This moment is mine and like every one before it, it shall pass only to be replaced by another. All that matters now is that this song represents in ways I can't describe what I'm waiting for - what is next. My next moment.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Experience Required
I sang for the MET National Council Auditions today. This is the competition that when you win, you simply say "he/she won the MET." It's a big deal competition and I was glad to be even a small part of it. I didn't place, which is fine. I learned a long time ago to accept disappointments as they come and to move on having learned something from the experience. Today was no different. Only today, I hope I learned a long-lasting lesson. I waited for 2 hours (no lie) after awards were given to talk to the judges and receive feedback. I wouldn't say it was a waste of time, but I think I blew that opportunity when I started explaining my desire to teach and how that's what I've done and want to continue to do but I understand performing to be an important part of that and want to be able to have tons of experiences to share with my future students. The judges then chatted with me about doing more and how important experience is and how it helps as a teacher and how playing piano is a good factor in all of that and so on, and so on. I appreciate their advice but after waiting two hours it would have been nice to hear a little bit more about how I sang TODAY. You know, do I have any right in trying to sing professionally? Is it something I could pursue? It felt rushed and not entirely useful but they did hit on something I reflected on for the hour and a half drive home. One judge mentioned the similarities between being a fearless performer and a fearless teacher. I thought to myself, "I'm not a fearless performer, but I'm a fearless teacher, I think." Upon further reflection... "Actually, I'm not a fearless teacher. Hmph." I question myself a lot and worry sometimes about the wrong things with my students. It's really the questioning that I refer to. I don't believe I have lead any students astray. As a performer, my self consciousness has always been an issue. I fear being judged in life and though I had made a resolution to judge others less, and I've stuck to that, I haven't worked out how to get over my fear of people judging me all the time for everything always. This seriously inhibits my acting when I am in a studio or audition situation. When I'm in opera rehearsal, I throw everything at the role. Why is that so different? I'm not sure entirely. Part of it is knowing there is blocking already and that the hard part of that decision is taken care of. Part of it is having props and people to sing with, and part of it is the comfort that develops with a role when you're staging. Can I then treat my audition materials the same way? Block them out as a director would, have other people there in my mind and add props for rehearsal? This takes a level of commitment that I have yet to find in my work as a singer. Why have I never done this? Well it took awhile but we've come to the point of this entry.
I am so damn tired of making excuses for everything I don't like.
This realization started this past Monday when I was grabbing a drink with my friend Ryan before heading back to Greensboro the next day. We were chatting about our lives and what our next steps would be in our respective careers and I mentioned the need to perform more and summer programs and why I haven't applied for any and he basically looked at me and said "I dunno, Bridge, it sounds like a lot of excuses." I wanted to defend myself (and likely tried to, I'm sure) but in the end he's exactly right. I didn't want to audition for summer programs because they cost money to apply, to make a recording, to get head shots, to mail it all in and then it costs even more if I were to be accepted. The real problem is I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to be told "no." Being told "no" means being told "I'm not good enough." Though I know this to not be true, my self-doubt thinks otherwise.
Tonight, even though I didn't place, I had a glimpse into what a life of performing, (or trying to perform) could be like. I was listening to all of these other singers talk about work they've done, programs they've been in and people they know and I wondered how they could know so many of the same people but after chatting with some of them for 2 hours I would love to see some of them again. I could see how you'd reconnect with another singer and instantly bond over being in so similar a situation. (Living the dream of a performer, as it were.)
You see, I don't take nearly enough chances. I know I'm good at things like teaching and music directing, and singing at a local level or succeeding in a place I feel comfortable. But I am in this unique situation where I don't have to have a job right now and I don't have to be confined to one place because of family or work. Now is my time to take chances, fall on my face, and get back up better off than I was before. (Or take chances, and succeed?) I can no longer ignore or brush off performance opportunities that involve auditions because I'm nervous I'll be rejected. By not even auditioning, I'm rejecting myself, and though that is a freaky sense of control for me, it's still an excuse and I am done with those.
So I hope to move forward from this pushing myself a little harder. I want to do more and really fix the same vocal issues that have been pointed out to me for years. I can't build muscle memory with the amount of practice I have done until this point. I will work harder and I will take more chances. I will be starting small by auditioning for two programs this summer. I will be making recordings for both, and I will be getting some head shots done. I will find a way to make it work financially both in the short run and in the long run, and eventually when I am a teacher, I will be able to help my future students take this same step because I experienced it, lived it, and survived.
I am so damn tired of making excuses for everything I don't like.
This realization started this past Monday when I was grabbing a drink with my friend Ryan before heading back to Greensboro the next day. We were chatting about our lives and what our next steps would be in our respective careers and I mentioned the need to perform more and summer programs and why I haven't applied for any and he basically looked at me and said "I dunno, Bridge, it sounds like a lot of excuses." I wanted to defend myself (and likely tried to, I'm sure) but in the end he's exactly right. I didn't want to audition for summer programs because they cost money to apply, to make a recording, to get head shots, to mail it all in and then it costs even more if I were to be accepted. The real problem is I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to be told "no." Being told "no" means being told "I'm not good enough." Though I know this to not be true, my self-doubt thinks otherwise.
Tonight, even though I didn't place, I had a glimpse into what a life of performing, (or trying to perform) could be like. I was listening to all of these other singers talk about work they've done, programs they've been in and people they know and I wondered how they could know so many of the same people but after chatting with some of them for 2 hours I would love to see some of them again. I could see how you'd reconnect with another singer and instantly bond over being in so similar a situation. (Living the dream of a performer, as it were.)
You see, I don't take nearly enough chances. I know I'm good at things like teaching and music directing, and singing at a local level or succeeding in a place I feel comfortable. But I am in this unique situation where I don't have to have a job right now and I don't have to be confined to one place because of family or work. Now is my time to take chances, fall on my face, and get back up better off than I was before. (Or take chances, and succeed?) I can no longer ignore or brush off performance opportunities that involve auditions because I'm nervous I'll be rejected. By not even auditioning, I'm rejecting myself, and though that is a freaky sense of control for me, it's still an excuse and I am done with those.
So I hope to move forward from this pushing myself a little harder. I want to do more and really fix the same vocal issues that have been pointed out to me for years. I can't build muscle memory with the amount of practice I have done until this point. I will work harder and I will take more chances. I will be starting small by auditioning for two programs this summer. I will be making recordings for both, and I will be getting some head shots done. I will find a way to make it work financially both in the short run and in the long run, and eventually when I am a teacher, I will be able to help my future students take this same step because I experienced it, lived it, and survived.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Home Again, Home Again...
Happy New Year! 2013. Incredible. The beautiful thing about being a planner of my caliber is that I'm not at all surprised at where I am after 2012. I knew I would be somewhere - not in NYS - pursuing a DMA. I didn't know it would be UNCG, but I knew it would be somewhere. I knew I'd be succeeding in my program because I don't pick stupid programs that don't work for me. I knew I'd have some incredible friends because I'm in a program with like-minded people. I also knew I'd be missing home after spending an incredible 3 weeks there. So with that, I say - Peace out, 2012. Bring on 2013. I think I'm going to officially start referring to the year as "twenty-thirteen" rather than "two thousand thirteen." I think it's time and I'm sticking to it.
I'd be an asshat if I didn't admit there were numerous surprises to 2012. Death is rarely expected and never easy to deal with. I won't say much except that I miss Steve and think of him every day. But I also just spent three weeks with his two beautiful children and their smiling faces can make the saddest day brighter. They're going to be okay and that will have to be enough to move forward. With that, we also have the surprise of Spoon, the third and final addition to the Ganoung brood. In a mere 18 days, Spoon will be introduced to the world. And a mere 59 days Spoon will be introduced to ME. Godmother-Extraordinaire! Spoon already has the characteristic Moriarty-can't-sit-still-to-save-a-life-shiftiness as is evidenced by Stan's dancing belly. It's actually pretty cool, for me at least. :)
So I rang out 2012 back in Syracuse with family and friends and got to see almost everyone I wanted to. It was awesome. Staying with Stan was the best because I love her and that is all. We threw what felt like 15 get-togethers and I saw a bunch of movies, and I ate a ton of food, and I didn't have to cook a damn thing. I got tons and tons of squeezes and kisses from Beebs, Stevie and Jaden, even some from Beebs and Stevie's cousins on the G-Noun side! I got to visit with the B'ville peeps, see the DeCoursey clan and the Moriarty clan, got to see a friend's band, my favorite local band, got to make a bajillion and twelve christmas cookies, got Stan to go shopping, saw my beeches, went to Singers, and saw bunches of SU peeps after catching "White Christmas." I should also mention, it was a white Christmas as it snowed about 30 inches while I was home.
All that in 3 weeks. I think there was one day that had nothing planned. That would be New Year's Day. Stan, the kids and I spent the entirety in our pj's watching Property Brothers, movies, and eating, not even pretending to leave the house. That was a good day. They were all good days. That's my point, I had the most wonderful break. And now I'm back and the semester starts up on Monday and I have a competition this Saturday and I'm already seeing a bunch of my friends and have already eaten at my two favorite restaurants here, so as amazing and fulfilling as it was to be home, I'm also glad to be home. Syracuse is and always will be my home, but I have to maintain Greensboro as my current home. This is more than school, it is my life and I have to continue to live it as such. If I think of being here as "being away at school" I will be denying myself the feeling of being truly settled. I need that and I don't think I've been pretending to be "away at school" but it's smart to remind myself that this is home and I live here now and I have a happy life here. It's also good to know that I will NEVER be going 5 months without seeing my family again as long as I'm here. I will make sure of that. :)
So for the remainder of my break, I will be reconnecting with my friends here, taking down Xmas :(, practicing for my competition this weekend, and oh yeah, getting ready for the semester to start in 5 days... at least here the "spring semester" actually feels like spring! Hooray for a southern winter!
I'd be an asshat if I didn't admit there were numerous surprises to 2012. Death is rarely expected and never easy to deal with. I won't say much except that I miss Steve and think of him every day. But I also just spent three weeks with his two beautiful children and their smiling faces can make the saddest day brighter. They're going to be okay and that will have to be enough to move forward. With that, we also have the surprise of Spoon, the third and final addition to the Ganoung brood. In a mere 18 days, Spoon will be introduced to the world. And a mere 59 days Spoon will be introduced to ME. Godmother-Extraordinaire! Spoon already has the characteristic Moriarty-can't-sit-still-to-save-a-life-shiftiness as is evidenced by Stan's dancing belly. It's actually pretty cool, for me at least. :)
So I rang out 2012 back in Syracuse with family and friends and got to see almost everyone I wanted to. It was awesome. Staying with Stan was the best because I love her and that is all. We threw what felt like 15 get-togethers and I saw a bunch of movies, and I ate a ton of food, and I didn't have to cook a damn thing. I got tons and tons of squeezes and kisses from Beebs, Stevie and Jaden, even some from Beebs and Stevie's cousins on the G-Noun side! I got to visit with the B'ville peeps, see the DeCoursey clan and the Moriarty clan, got to see a friend's band, my favorite local band, got to make a bajillion and twelve christmas cookies, got Stan to go shopping, saw my beeches, went to Singers, and saw bunches of SU peeps after catching "White Christmas." I should also mention, it was a white Christmas as it snowed about 30 inches while I was home.
All that in 3 weeks. I think there was one day that had nothing planned. That would be New Year's Day. Stan, the kids and I spent the entirety in our pj's watching Property Brothers, movies, and eating, not even pretending to leave the house. That was a good day. They were all good days. That's my point, I had the most wonderful break. And now I'm back and the semester starts up on Monday and I have a competition this Saturday and I'm already seeing a bunch of my friends and have already eaten at my two favorite restaurants here, so as amazing and fulfilling as it was to be home, I'm also glad to be home. Syracuse is and always will be my home, but I have to maintain Greensboro as my current home. This is more than school, it is my life and I have to continue to live it as such. If I think of being here as "being away at school" I will be denying myself the feeling of being truly settled. I need that and I don't think I've been pretending to be "away at school" but it's smart to remind myself that this is home and I live here now and I have a happy life here. It's also good to know that I will NEVER be going 5 months without seeing my family again as long as I'm here. I will make sure of that. :)
So for the remainder of my break, I will be reconnecting with my friends here, taking down Xmas :(, practicing for my competition this weekend, and oh yeah, getting ready for the semester to start in 5 days... at least here the "spring semester" actually feels like spring! Hooray for a southern winter!
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