An update, a resolution, and a step

The typical start to a new post after having not posted in months is something to the effect of "omg, SO much has happened since I last posted!" and though this is the case, it's not the direction I choose to go today.  Today will be an update, a resolution, and a step. 

The update is as follows:  Completing DMA apps and everything that goes with them turned November into the hardest, most grueling month I've experienced in awhile.  Every school wanted something just a little bit different, but every school wanted personal statements, writing samples, CV, resume, artist resume, rep list, audition list, 4 recommendations, 3 recommendations, GRE, 4 songs for the pre-screen, 8 songs for the pre-screen... All of which was achievable but made increasingly difficult with the fact that I was still working 3 part-time jobs (SU, Oswego, and the onset of NS rehearsals) (and a part-time job blog will have to occur soon because I have a lot to say about that.  Just not right now.) had a planned trip to Jamaica from last April, and exams to complete and send out a week ahead of time so I could be gone for a week.  My point is simple.  It sucked, I hope to never have to do all of that again, and it made me so look forward to the actual auditions.  I can stand up and sing real pretty in front of people I don't know.  I do it all the time! 

The next question is the obvious one - What happens next?  I have been in the process of waiting to hear from each school to find out if they will grant me a live audition.  For many post-graduate programs, especially in voice, (though I'm sure it's the same for other instruments) we have to send in a pre-screen audition.  Basically a CD of me singing all pretty to see if I am a likely candidate for the program.  They have a small panel listen to these CD's, then I get the green light and then get to show up and sing for the full faculty.  This makes a lot of sense and saves everyone from the American Idol problem.*

I have been granted auditions at UC Boulder, Indiana and Michigan, and am waiting to hear again from UNC Greensboro.  They e-mailed me a couple weeks back saying "yup, we got your stuff.  we're gonna look at it now and let you know soon." so soon should be... soon?  That's fine as they're the last on my audition schedule so I don't mind waiting.  This makes my travel schedule as follows: 

January 13-15: Bloomington, IN
January 19-21: Boulder, CO
January 27-29: Ann Arbor, Michigan
February 3-5: Greensboro, NC (we hope!)

Then the weekend after that is the one-day-only-reunion-tour of "Eleanor" out at Hamilton College, then I nap.  I won't hear about being accepted/rejected/paid fabulously until April, so you'll all have to wait with me until then.  But this is it!  I have gotten the ball rolling and this process is underway.  So long as someone pays me enough, I will be leaving Syracuse this summer. 

Yes.

Okay, onto the resolution.  I resolve to be a better blogger. 

Last year I resolved to not justify my feelings all the time when I am talking or even blogging, and I have found this to have an absolutely positive impact on my life.  It was pretty neat to make a resolution and actively stick to it.  People may think that to be an interesting resolution for me as I have often been described as blunt, but bluntness is for me, situational.  If I am completely at ease with my situation and surroundings, I will most likely say the first thing that comes to mind.  If I am at all concerned with the feelings of those around me and the consequences my words may hold, I will either not speak, or spend 5 minutes explaining the one sentence I'm about to share so as not to offend anyone or so as to allow you to understand EXACTLY what I mean by saying "at this time" rather than "today."  It's an annoying habit and I've been doing well in breaking it. 

I digress, that was last year's resolution, and this is now.  I am adding to my resolution list to be a better blogger.  I have lots to say and it turns out at least 5 people care to know what that all is.  So here's to you.  :)

And the step.  Oh this is a hard one.  The other half of this blog which has really been the main focus until this post.  Weight-loss.  I fell right off my path when school started back up.  All of which can be explained away in my upcoming part-time job blog, and I will not make excuses here.  I did not plan all the time.  I did not follow through with all of my plans when I made them.  I have not been to the gym since the summer.  I have barely followed WW since the summer.  I have wasted $160 in membership fees in this time and I simply can't afford to keep doing that.  This has to change and I will make that first step today.  Today I will set up my menus and shopping list for the next couple weeks, and next week I will make it to the gym two times.  These are simple steps that I have done before and simply have to do again.  I stopped liking what I was seeing in the mirror and I stopped feeling like there was any change in myself.  Some people still see a difference and that is encouraging but I don't.  I will not waste time thinking about "where I could have been had I stayed on track" because that will only depress me.  I will simply take a step to do better today, and continue to take steps to do better tomorrow.

Well, here's to the new year and a happy and healthy holiday season to you all.  <3



*The American Idol problem is just that.  A problem.  People think they are fabulous singers, their families have told them they are fabulous singers, so they go out and audition for everything they can, assuming they will be chosen and accepted and lauded and applauded.  Many of these people are, in fact, talentless fools.  In the DMA world, it's not necessarily that people suck, just that they may not be at the level of a DMA (or MM) program and so instead of wasting their time and money on an audition, they can simply waste their time and money on the application and pre-screen recording.  Everyone wins.

Happy Halloweekend!

First things first, I am nearly down to my lowest weight from the summer when I was good at tracking and going to the gym.  Preparation and planning have been key to this.  Having good foods on hand and planning out what I will eat each day is allowing me to lose weight without being able to get to the gym.  It's an okay trade off for now.  But I know the areas that I'd like a little more tone to, not just to be smaller, will require time at the gym.  I'm just glad to feel back on track and a little bit in control again.

Speaking of control, I'm trying to maintain it for this DMA process.  I realized last week that I have basically 2 weeks to record my pre-screen CD.  (I have to send a CD to schools so they can tell me if I can come audition in person or not.  I'm anticipating a favorable review, but I suppose one never knows.)  So I've started this process and I officially chose my rep and hired a pianist.  Now I have to find the space.  There are a couple options I just need people to respond to e-mails.  I also think I have my list of schools finalized.  I think.  It is looking like a top 4 with a potential 5th and in no particular order those are: UNC Greensboro, U of Colorado at Boulder, Indiana, Michigan, and then either Boston U or FSU.  All fun non-NY places.  All with different requirements for auditions but that's cool, that's why I have 9 stupid pieces I'm preparing.  It's starting to feel exciting though.  I feel like I know so much more about this whole process and I feel so much more prepared to go through with it.  It's a pretty insane time, trying to coordinate everything and hope that it all lives up to my expectations of myself.  It's going to require some hard core practicing.  Luckily, I have not much at all on the docket for tomorrow, so practicing/research will be high on the priority list.  This also means I have to start being very aware of my voice and it's use as these weeks progress.  I'm good at this, and I know it's very smart and beneficial, but it is frustrating sometimes to know that literally everything I do can impact my instrument and therefore my sound. 

Speaking of segues...

I had a Halloween party last night at the Fellows and it was super fun.  So much fun, in fact, that most everyone who was there last night stayed in tonight because too much fun was spent at my party.  I believe that to be a sign of a job well done.  I did manage to make it out tonight to the Smorol shindig and am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. 

My brain feels very scattered, like I just want to put random thoughts about my day and my life in here but I pride myself on having some basis of organization to my thoughts.  So this is clearly the sign that I am done blogging for the evening.  Ideally I can make this more regular as this DMA junk gets underway.  Like, for realsies.  (I can't wait to be a doctor of music that says "realsies".  My students will take me so seriously.)

Step 1 & 2

I can't believe I went over a month without blogging.  I suppose I can as I went over a month without going to the gym and without buying any groceries.  I have been surviving these first 6 weeks of school with a couple of my favorite ladies.  Phoebe's, (near Syracuse Stage) and Wendy's (en route to/from Oswego).  Miraculously I have not gained horribly.  A couple pounds that come and go depending on the week.  I definitely wasn't tracking and I have yet to make it back to the gym.  Basically I have been living EXACTLY like I used to live before I started this adventure.  Finally this weekend I decided NO MORE!  Step one (in no real order) was to go to the store and stock up on food for meals.  Step two was to start tracking again.  Step three is in motion which is to prepare my meals ahead of time and be ready for the days I'm not home to cook (which are many) and maybe even cook on a day I am around so I have some meals handy, and then step four will be to get back to the gym.  I have found some times to try and go and this week I plan to use them.  Until I leave work and go to the gym and not home I will not see how possible it is for me to do.  I don't have the time for 4 times a week, which is what I'd really like, but 2-3 is better than 0.  So in my head I thought I wouldn't blog again until I had gone to the gym so I had more to share than "yeah, I've been pretty useless this last month and a half" but the preparedness I feel with having food in my cupboards is awesome.  I have food to make dinners both healthy and yummy, and a few of my favorites that may not be the most WW friendly but that's why I have the roll over points.  Now that I have so much stuff to help me out with tracking and portioning, I can better gauge how much I can use on dinners.  I will say I'm a little hungry right now.  But it's also been 3 hours since I've had any snack and it's the first day I haven't given in to any and all cravings I've had.  I am amazed that I have maintained which holds true to what I knew before, maintenance won't be too difficult, it's losing it that is the challenge.

I cannot tell a lie to my blogosphere.  I researched some diet supplements.  I feel so ridiculous now and can proudly say I did not purchase any, but I looked.  They make it seem so easy, that by adding one pill to your day or right before you eat, that you can boost your weight loss by more than double.  (With diet and exercise.)  It is so unhealthy and I would learn nothing.  So though the temptation to look was there, and I looked, I did not follow through and will continue to do this my way, with WW, the gym and all of you, my wonderful support team. 


Now, if you could all be so kind as to help me get motivated for DMA applications and repertoire work I would greatly appreciate it. 

To bed!!

Routine needed.

I couldn't even tell you how I've been doing with weight loss these last 2 weeks.  SO much has been going on that I can't really get a grip on much of anything.  This has been the main reason there hasn't been any blog posting. 

So to re-cap, after my trip to NYC with Mom, the Fellows moved out, I started back at schools, I've been painting a room, trying to prepare for the new roommate, went camping for the last time this season, and am now trying to get my life back into any semblance of a routine.  I know my schedule will allow time for the gym, I just have to find it.  I have a tendency to pack my days so full that an hour and a half extra means I don't get enough sleep.  So which is more important?  Sleep or the gym?  Well usually I choose sleep but we'll have to see... :)

I'm excited for this semester though.  The course I'm teaching in Oswego should be challenging in a pretty good way.  I'm teaching a music appreciation course to non-music majors who need a fine art credit.  It's quite the mix of students but I'm hoping as I've said before to share some of my love of music with them.  It's only been one week and I've already had 2 phone calls and a whole slew of e-mails about one tiny little definitions assignment.  What's going to happen when the exam rolls around??  So I'm sure this will continue to be an adventure.  I was offered the same classes for the spring, so it'd be another 2 sections of music appreciation but even including these has made my schedule so inflexible and so packed that I can't expect to be able to travel for DMA auditions come January/February.  So I had to turn it down.  As usual I thought long about it and it just felt like the right answer. 

Speaking of DMA auditions, I have a lot to do to start preparing for those.  I think I'm close to settled on the most of the schools I want to audition at.  I'll add the official list when it's finalized.  In the meantime I have to start learning this repertoire and get cracking on deadlines like when applications are due, what the fees are, when recordings are due, getting a recording made... I'm excited to get going with all of this, but it sure is a lot of work.  If I am going to stay on top of things, I may need a secretary.  You will be paid in baked goods and hugs.  I am a good baker, and I give great hugs. 

For now, I get more paint for the room, plan out my week of lessons, finalize my SU schedule, and that's probably it.  Happy new semester!

A trip to NYC, and a new routine.

Hey Blog Friends.

Sorry for the lapse in posts.  I just got back from a late night jaunt at the gym which felt really good.  I haven't gone since last week, so this was definitely important for me to do.  I got lots of activity points this past week, mowing the lawn, and walking around Manhattan for example, but I didn't make it to the gym.  This was also my final vacation of the summer and I maintained so that was a small success.  Mom and I hit up the city Sunday-Monday and as she put it, put a nice dent into the city's wine supply.  :)  Our Sunday night meal was epic.  We ate at a place called Angus McIndoe's which was literally up the street from our hotel.  We split this meal for two that was 32oz of prime rib, 3 sides, soup/salad, dessert and (get this) unlimited wine.  The wine was the house wine, but the house wine was a Carmenere which is from Chile so I was happy.  Oh man that food was excellent.  We also saw "Catch Me If You Can" which was simply phenomenal thanks to the performances by the leads.  Norbert Leo Butz and Aaron Tveit are star quality performers and to see them at their craft in person... oh man there is nothing like live theatre! 

Monday was just as great a day as Sunday, starting off with breakfast in Times Square (literally, at a little table in the pedestrian area!) and right on through massages, manis, delicious lunches (a pitcher of sangria), and the top of the rock.  We made it home, promptly crashed and have the pictures to show a great time was had.  These pics, as with the others from trips this summer, will be on FB so you can check them out there. 

I start school in less than a week.  I am starting to wrap my head around this course I'm teaching, and I think my schedule is pretty much set for SU.  What I have to do now is figure out exactly when I'll be going to the gym, and how to fit food into my life.  I really need some deliciously simple recipes.  I make cooking really complicated sometimes when I have to remember that meat and starch is all I really want most of the time.  Anywho, if I can knock out some fruit for breakfast, a smart lunch, and have stuff ready for dinner, then I fill in with snacks, I'll be golden.  This is the kind of routine and schedule I think works best for me.  I will hopefully find out soon because I do not want to go back to how I was.  I've still only lost about 12 lbs but it's enough to see and feel a difference.  I just wish I had more exciting news to blog about in the world of weight loss.  For 2 months now I've been saying the same things.  Well for that, I apologize and hope to bring some exciting news of pounds falling off in the near future. 

Changing the Course

I had a lunch meeting with my mentor this week.  (How professional does that make me sound??)  It was an amazing couple of hours that left me feeling revitalized in my research for DMA programs.  I thought I was searching for great faculty and I still am.  But at these great schools that I will be looking at, there will be great faculty.  What I want to focus more on (ha, moron) are the individual programs.  What are the courses like?  Is there a focus on voice classes?  Vocal pedagogy?  What other kinds of opportunities might there be for me?  At a school like Indiana, they do 9 operas a year.  Maybe there's a chance for some directing there.  At a school like CCM they have a ridiculously strong musical theatre program.  Maybe there's room for some music directing.  If I can leave school with even more skills than I entered with (not just stronger skills) that makes me way more marketable.  I could keep going but it's more of the same.  Talking this out with someone who's been through it really helped me realize where my focus needs to be.  It's helped me reignite my search and hopefully settle on 5 or 6 schools to apply to. 

Speaking of schools... I start teaching in just over a week.  This really has been the best summer I have ever had.  I have done so many awesome things this summer and I've had simply the best time.  I feel like I've gotten to spend time with a lot of people and I've even strengthened some friendships which I hope carry on into the school year.  I digress though.  As much as this summer has been awesome, I really have to buckle down on the upcoming semester.  As it stands, I have 22 students and 4 hours of a performance class I accompany at SU, and 2 courses at Oswego.  I will be singing in Oratorio Society, and hopefully maintaining my private studio.  As always, I typically ease into the semester as my other shows don't start rehearsals for awhile but this course I'm teaching at Oswego, I really need to prepare for.  It's a music appreciation course (I have no idea if I've mentioned this before on here) and I'm pretty excited for it.  It's going to be a whole different dynamic than I'm used to teaching, but I'm ready for that.  Now I just need to solidify the schedule on my syllabus and start creating some lessons.  I have some great ideas in my head.  We'll see how it all pans out. 

Anywho, I have to go save the day for a new theatre company because that's what family does.  Ta-ta!

A small goal met, an easier few weeks ahead.

I made it to the gym 3 times last week!  I managed to lose .4 lbs.  I was in NH for 3 days and NYC for one day so I have finally accepted that I suck at vacation eating, and I consider any trip away from the cuse to be a vacation.  I have one more trip planned before back to school and it's going to be as fun as all the rest, I just know it.  This one is a trip back to NYC with my mom (I went on Saturday with Dad to watch the Yanks OBLITERATE the Rays.  It was awesome, but sadly, no Sandman necessary.)  and we're going to see a show, get a massage, eat out, be tourists... we have to talk wardrobe before we leave so I know Mom's on the same page as me.  :)

But I digress.  I made the goal last week of hitting up the gym 3 times and I did just that.  Once was even in NH so that was a small victory.  I just got back from going today and I rocked out my hour on the elliptical and added 20 minutes on the treadmill.  Hopefully gonna make it 4 times this week as I have no other big plans.  This summer has been one of the absolute best for me, but I am ready for a bit of a routine so I can continue on this health-kick I started back in May.  With just one big trip left, the rest of the weeks are mine to start losing weight again and get prepped for how to fit this lifestyle into the school year.  When I started this in May at the end of last school year, I knew having the summer would help because I'd have a lot more time for work outs and eating well.  It has definitely given me the time for adjustment I needed so now I'm hoping to stay excited and inspired to keep this going into the school year.  These are the plans, and now to execute!

The gym is the answer. Ugh.

I knew it all along.  I'm not an idiot.  I just pretend not to know things sometimes.  I know eating better plus exercise = weight loss but I still like to try one or the other, or just a small change and see what happens.  I lost quickly in the beginning because I was at the gym 3-4 times a week.  The show I was playing helped keep me on a schedule and I thought after that was done the flexibility would help.  Well, read every single damn post from July and you'll see how THAT helped.  I feel back in control, even though I'm going to NH on Wednesday I'll still get 3 work outs in this week and pray for the best come Friday.  Then I have a couple trips down to NYC with my parents but those are on weekends so really I can get back into a gym routine.  I just have to avoid going at 12:00pm.  There is absolutely nothing to watch on TV and it gets unbelievably boring.  The 2-3 slot was just awesome as I watched an episode of "The Protector" and really liked it.  You know, crime solving plus personal life problems all inter twining... Anywho, I've known all along that I need to keep the gym a part of my routine otherwise I'll plateau.  It's good to know for my future that I'm making some good changes in the world of eating but if I want to keep losing (and boy do I) I have to get back to the gym more than I have been. 

So, anyone wanna come with me?  I could use a bit of motivation to get there. 

Oh I also want to officially share my goal of reaching a loss of 15 lbs by Labor Day.  It was the first little challenge I signed up for on the WW website and I rocked the first 10, now just wanna get through these last 5 in just under a month.  I can do it, I've been close, I just keep dancing around these current 5 lbs.  Getting back to the gym will definitely help but I was watching Jillian Michaels (from Biggest Loser) on some other show while my detective was at commercial and she was throwing out tips to keep yourself on track, one of them being let your friends know your goals.  So hello friends!  Here's my goal:  another 5 lbs by Labor Day putting me at the 15 lb mark like I signed up for.  Then it's another 5 to be at 20lbs by Vegas, and another 10 by Jamaica in November.  It should be interesting to see how I work all of this into school.  It's been nice (and a bit challenging) doing this over the summer but I know what needs to be done so hopefully I'll work this into a routine. 

Um, I feel really boring so I'm going to end this.  Thanks for reading!  Let me know if you wanna come to the gym with me! 

A sore body is a good time.

I just spent a few relaxing days up in the Adirondacks.  My friend's (Jim) family goes up for a week every summer and we went up for a few days.  It was as close to an all-inclusive mountain resort as I may ever get.  To put it plainly, it was amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  The "cabin" (quotes used because it was on a lake and happened to be in a summer-vacation area, but let's be honest, it has nicer amenities than my house.) was huge and beautiful, tons of space, great kitchen and right across the street from the lake.  So any window on the lake side had a clear view of gorgeous Schroon Lake.  The water was beautiful and so refreshing, there were countless places to sit and relax, or float and relax, or sleep and relax... Then I'd have to mention the company and the food.  Jim's family is a loving and welcoming group of people.  I felt so welcomed the moment we arrived (even when we arrived at the wrong house.  That nice woman was welcoming too.) and I don't know, it was just easy.  They are easy people to hang around with and definitely easy people to talk to.  They also happen to be great cooks.  Every last one of them!  Granted, there were about 21 people being fed so there was always copious amounts of food but dang if it wasn't all delicious. 

So I know what we're all thinking.  A relaxing few days away from the control of home, no gym, (just Jim, haha...ha..eh-hem) and tons of delicious food.  This is a recipe for disaster.  Well it wasn't.  In fact, I lost weight whilst gone.  Official weigh in is tomorrow so hopefully I'll keep it up today but now I shall fill you in on just how awesome this relaxing trip was. 

After arriving Monday and floating/swimming/scrambling up the side of a big ass tube that had no ladder, Tuesday was the day we went tubing.  I haven't been tubing in years but I remember exactly why I love it so much.  I fell off almost every time.  Epically at that.  There were two tubes going, one that could hold up to 3 riders, and a small one that held one or two.  I was on the smaller, Jim and his cousin were on the larger.  Part of the fun of this adventure is when the tubes collide and it's every man for himself to stay on.  (This is typically how I departed the tube, except this once...)  The very first run we did after the trial we were flying around, jumping the wake, crashing into each other, and on one such collision I was no longer on my tube, but lying face up on Jim's tube with mine on top of me, as I was still holding on.  Yup, instead of colliding, I merely rolled over and joined the larger tube.  Hilarity ensued as those left on the boat wondered where I had gone and Jim explained he had me, just fine.  The rest of the day involved everyone falling off multiple times, except Jim's uncle, (with whom the similarities between the two are uncanny) who is a champion at all things.  He rode the small insane tube with no hands, using his feet to keep him on.  He joined the large tube on purpose and then got back on his tube without missing a beat.  The man is amazing.  I nearly let go right at the end, the last run was grueling after a full day of holding on for dear life, but I made it to the end.  After more relaxing and floating, we ate ourselves silly again, watched Uncle Buck, (a family favorite) and went to bed.

Wednesday was fun day as another of Jim's uncles takes the family out for something fun.  This year's adventure was zip lining.  I got all sorts of excited as I've zip lined before in NH and will be doing so again in about a week.  The zip lining I've done involves about 6 trips down the line where you're all harnessed in, you jump off and ride for anywhere from 30-60 seconds.  It's amazingly beautiful and so much fun and there are mountain men out there to save you should you get stuck.  So I'm all talking this up to everyone, telling them what a good time it's going to be, making sure everyone has sneakers on... yadda yadda yadda.  When we got there, I realized this place was a little different than what I had experienced before.  We ended up at the Adirondack eXtreme outdoor course with 5 different courses each at a greater difficulty than the last with challenges for the mind and body.  Yeah this was no zip through the mountains.  We were climbing across bridges made of 3 foot horizontal logs individually attached by wires so they were all like trapeze swings, or swinging across a 10 foot gap with your foot in a hoop, or a zig-zag bridge that swung with your own momentum, or other crazy activities I can't even remember because fear and determination blocked them out.  Every now and then, you got to zip.  That was obviously the easy part.  Check out their website!

I made it through 3 of the 5 courses.  Of this, I was exceedingly proud because as Jim put it, my hobbies include wine and camping (and music of course) so to put myself through something that physical, well, I was proud.  Now Jim, as well as 4 of his family members, made it through ALL FIVE COURSES.  You will NEVER understand what that means unless you've done this.  The guide I spoke with says he never does the final course for fun.  He only does it when he has to because he's working.  It was insane to watch from the ground and I can't even believe they all survived.  Not only survived, but survived with smiles!  My language changed from polite to... less so during the 3rd course and that was my cue that I shouldn't go on.  They did all five.  All five.  Oh it was just so cool to watch.  I'm not scared of heights, I am scared of my own limitations.  My own physical limitations, to be specific.  I used as much upper body strength as I could muster after a day of tubing.  I don't think I used my harness at all to catch me, I think I was able to recover with balance and grabbing onto the red wire we were connected to, but I knew I was reaching my limit.  If there were a disappointing aspect to the entire adventure, that would be it - that my own fear of being too weak kept me from trying the next course.  Once I made my way onto a section, I got a rhythm going and did pretty okay.  Looking at the next one I had to conquer made me suddenly aware of every single muscle ache in my upper body.  I knew I could push through to the end of the 3rd course, but I was too scared to try the next and find out I was too weak.  So I stopped, and I'm proud of what I accomplished, but will wonder if I could have completed them all if I had more upper body strength, or maybe if I just wasn't scared.

So needless to say, after a day of tubing followed by a day of zip-lining, my entire being is sore but I am so happy for it.  This was truly an amazing few days and I can't thank Jim or his family enough for letting me be a part of it.  I'm uploading pics onto FB so you can check those out if you like. 

I'm not wearing any pants.

There's an image for ya.  Seriously though, it's so hot and humid today I literally felt heat radiating out of everything I've sat or laid on today.  That could also be from the minor sun burn I got on the backs of my legs Wednesday but regardless, Everything just felt so hot that I decided it was my pants fault so I took them off.  I gotta say, I'm feeling better already. 

H'ok so, I researched a possible DMA program at U Houston and it was an incredible wake up call.  They have a lot of diagnostic exams and testing to go through before you even begin the degree.  Then the exams you take after course work before you can be a "candidate" for the DMA are even more rigorous.  For vocalists there's theory and history that everyone does, then French, German and Italian diction plus reading proficiency in one language.  They had a sample theory test online that I checked out and I'm pleased to say I remember most of the stuff that's on it.  But man oh man will I have some brush up work to do before I head off to any audition.  It made me really excited because I feel like it will challenge me but it won't be out of my league.  Music is definitely where I belong and so challenging myself is really exciting.  I'm actually looking forward to brushing up on my theory and history as well as diction and now I really gotta start cracking on learning a foreign language.  It's simply exciting.  This is gonna be good for me.  Whatever school I end up at I think will push me and honestly make me be better.  Which is what I want. 

In the other world of my summer, I've finally made it back to the lowest weight of June, just in time for July to be over.  I did not make my goal of 5 lbs for the month, but I'm happy to feel back on track.  That's really all I had to share, except that I'd really like someone to come cook for me.  I have zero motivation at the moment.  So yeah, that'd be nice. 

shoutout to the roomies

I love my roommates, and this short story will explain why.

They got married this past weekend, and I think it's safe to say across the board it was an amazingly fun time for everyone.  If it wasn't for you, shut it because it was most definitely your own fault.  So we've been eating out a lot the last couple days in celebration, in a means of seeing family, and so we don't have to cook.  Eating out as I've mentioned before, is not my best weight loss option but I wasn't completely gluttonous.  Last night as we were getting some ice cream, Diz asks me how getting back on track has been going since she's been listening to me complain about NOT being on track.  I quickly thought "I did not get fat by being honest, I will not lose by lying." and said "well... not quite there yet, but I will be."  Which I believe to be the truth.  She replies "Come on, Gidge!  You can do it!  I mean, you looked AMAZING in your dress this weekend, but seriously..."  and what she wasn't saying, that I heard loud and clear, was "Don't stop now.  You can get back on track.  I know you can.  And I don't want to listen to you complain about not losing for the next month."  (I probably improvised the last bit, but there's truth to every joke!)

It was exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear.  A little bit of encouragement, a little bit of a wake up call, and a little bit of a compliment.  It all equals some determination to get back on the WW plan, and back to the gym.  Think I'll make it every day this week?  Definitely today, definitely Thursday, definitely Friday.  Maybe tomorrow?  I'm hopefully camping again this weekend, and I'm getting better at healthy camp food.  So here I go, hopefully this is the last post about falling off the wagon and from here on out I continue to post success stories!  Thanks to everyone who reads this, I couldn't do it without you!

The plateau of July

I started out great these first couple months, I lost over 10 lbs!  It was awesome and I felt so great!  For the month of July, though, I've been yo-yo-ing around 4 lbs never making it lower than my lowest weight I reached at the end of June.  I'm not going to sugar coat it, that sucked.  I made some small goals to try and get back on track but I was really busy with all this wedding stuff that I quickly made the excuses as to why I wasn't doing as well as I had been, and when and how I would be fixing it--later.  I had a goal to get back to the lowest weight in time for the wedding and I did on Tuesday, but was back up again by Saturday.  After a day of sweltering heat, not eating all that much, and dancing like the freaking champ I am, I'm now one lb away from that goal.  (So stomach flu's and weddings are apparently great weight loss tools)  I'm sad that I've basically wasted this month.  It's good that I haven't gone back to my original weight and I've basically maintained an 8-9 lb loss so I know I can't lose sight of that, but well, I really wanted to keep losing like I did the first 2 months.  I can pin point exactly how this happened.  I have not come remotely close to figuring out how to eat well when not in the confines of my own home.  When I am camping, celebrating, or at a restaurant I don't really eat well.  My will power disappears and my excuses start flaring and I figure whatever damage I do this weekend I'll make up for in the coming week.  Except then I camp again or BBQ again the following weekend, and during said week I went out to the bar one night, and met people for lunch another day, and had other things going on that kept me from going to the gym.  I do realize the gym is imperative to my success here.  If I'm not going at LEAST 2-3 times a week, I will not lose.  3-4 is better but I should be able to accomplish 2-3.  I really just need to start living this lifestyle again, so I can start seeing more success.  The success I've had has been wonderful and people's comments to me has been a huge inspiration.  So I must get back to that place and pick up where I left off at the end of June.  As I said in other posts this month, I am not defeated, I accept the small wall that I have placed in front of me, and I will climb over and move on. 

Speaking of segues...

I haven't had much going on in the world of weight loss or DMA so there hasn't been much to blog about.  There IS a huge change coming this weekend though, as my dearest roommates (as well as my cousin and future c-law) are getting married on Saturday!  I am so thoroughly excited not only for the ridiculous party this entire time will be, but also to see two people who truly love each other express that love for all of their friends and family to see.  It's a pretty awesome thing to be a part of.  It's also going to have some kick ass music so I recommend crashing the ceremony just for the concert if nothing else.  Sorry though, the reception is booked. 

Failures?

I think my scale is broken.  It is the only way I can imagine me actually losing weight this week.  This was not a good week for me at all.  I was camping again twice, I worked out once, and I went to Denny's twice after a few cocktails twice, including last night about 6 hours before I weighed in.  Yet I still lost.  Regardless of losing weight, this was not a good week in the world of WW.  I'm still not even close to feeling defeated, in fact, I saw a girl I hadn't seen in over a year last night who has lost about 50 lbs and she looks fantastic and it inspired me to keep going.  I am no where near a goal right now but I'm seeing how changes I make create and effect a new lifestyle for me.  My willpower is not the strongest and sometimes I question it's existence but I must keep searching and trying to make myself better. 

Anywho that's all I wanted to share about this.  I'm only camping until Sunday, then I hope to hit the gym at least 4 times next week and I think I can since most things I have commitments for are in the afternoons/evenings.

Like my roommates'/cousin's wedding!!!!!!!!!!!  Okay that's in the afternoon but on a Saturday and I just really wanted to throw that in because we're all starting to get a little excited for it.  :) 

I did not get fat by being honest, I will not lose by lying.

Things I've Learned

Food is delicious. 

I said it.  And I mean it.  I really love food.  Especially yummy food.  Food and I are fast friends, the kind that when we haven't seen each other for a long time, we reconnect like no time has passed.  I reconnected with some friends these past couple weeks that I hadn't seen in awhile.  Some deliciously excessive and fatty friends.  Oh it was yummy, but now I can feel the difference.  I want to keep eating.  I was doing really well with controlled portions, and feeling satisfied with a "smaller" (more realistic) portion.  Now I feel a little like I did a couple months ago when I started, which is like I'm starving myself and I'm on a diet and I can't eat anything ever. 

Let's be serious, this is so not the case.  I just ate mac and cheese and a burger.  It was awesome, and it was pre-made so I know it was healthy.  But I want to keep eating, because whilst at camp, I would have.  Not a ton, but enough that I think I should right now.  Anywho, I think I've made my point here.  Falling off the wagon a bit has more repercussions than just on the scale.  Still, I'm climbing back on and will remain firmly in the wagon for a good while. 

On an unrelated note, I've also realized I am awkward at concerts.  I have never been one of those girls that can just sway along to the music, throwing the arm up in the air to share my approval of the song with others, shaking my groove thing back and forth... that scares me.  I have never learned to dance as if no one was watching.  In fact, if I dance, it is with fear that everyone is watching.  Then I get locked up in my head wondering if I look like an idiot or if maybe I just look like I'm enjoying the song, but then I miss out on the song because I'm so nervous thinking about what I look like.  What do I do with my hands?  If I put my hand in my pocket, do I look like I'm trying to look casual?  Would I normally stand with my hand in my pocket?  What if I raise my arm up and air pump to the beat?  Will it look sincere?  Oh god can I even shake my hips?  Am I just shifting weight from left leg to right leg?  Are my knees bent?  Should they be?  Wait, the song's over?  Maybe I should get another drink.

Musicals and Symphonies are SO much easier to attend.

My last addition to this random-catch-up-blog is a complaint.  I am officially registering a complaint about people who bring generators for a trailer to a non-electric campsite.  Let me be specific, a non-electric site that is 50 yards away from the loop of ELECTRIC CAMPSITES!  These morons ran their generator every day from who knows when in the am-12:00pm then again from 9:30pm-10 or 10:15pm.  EVERY DAY.  Save yourself the money on the generator and just get an electric campsite.  They're not much more expensive.  Seriously, this made so little sense and though it came no where near ruining my time at camp, it did thoroughly annoy me.  Instead of hearing the waves of Lake Ontario, and strange bird calls, and chipmunks, and my nieces and nephews, I heard vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
for hours. 

Stupid generator user camper dummies.  Who needs electricity to camp anyway?  Pssht.  Not this girl.

Falling off the wagon

Okay today is when I need you all the most.  I have basically spent the last 9-10 days not really following WW and only hitting the gym 3 times.  The scale has shown it, though not terribly, but enough that I have some catching up to do to maintain my 5 lbs/month goal I made back in April.  So I need you all to send positive energy and encouraging thoughts my way as I try not too feel guilty about taking a few days vacation and allowing myself a few spoils, whilst getting myself back on track.  I am the first to realize it is okay to fall off track for a bit but still get yourself back on and keep moving forward.  I know I'll be able to, it's more the guilt aspect I typically have trouble with.  Also the habits.  I spend a few days only moderately checking what I eat, I plan a few meals, but allow myself more leeway than usual.  Now I feel the urge to continue allowing myself that leeway "so long as I work it all off at the gym this week."  Let's be serious.  The leeway I'd take would not be worked off in one or two gym visits.  So it really is best to right now, today, this very minute, get back to the plan and pick up where I left off after the most amazing of weight loss weeks.  Who knows, maybe that's my new trend and I was just getting going but interrupted myself with a few camping trips/cookouts.  The biggest point here is it is all right to break away from the plan, so long as I get myself back on it.  So that's what I'm doing today.  I really want to go out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and get a big old steak with mashed potatoes and gravy.  But that's the kind of meal I would consider a reward.  I have yet to earn a reward in recent weeks so why not grill up the steaks I have here and try out one of my WW recipes for potatoes?  Maybe even save a few points for a glass of wine? 

Yup, I will be back in control.  This week has not defeated me, but it was nice to take a small break from it all. 

I'm back beeches!!

looooong weekend!

Oh my goodness this weekend was long and awesome.  It was supposed to be long and awesome in the Adirondacks but sadly plans had to change due to a friend's sick grandpa.  Hopefully things are looking up there, so fingers crossed.  This meant I had to improvise 4th of July plans.  I very much succeeded and spent the weekend with all sorts of people I love, got lots of sun, ate lots of food, did not drink too much, and have more of all of that to look forward to when I go camping this week. 

Now, I am certain the scale will reflect the good times I had, though I managed to work in some activity in the form of velcro-catch monkey in the middle and wave jumping with my nieces, and I didn't gorge myself on fatty foods but I wasn't completely careful either.  I'm doing well, I am happy with the results, and I am going to smartly enjoy a week of relaxing at camp with my family.  I'll be sure tomorrow and Wednesday are gym days and I will plan breakfasts and lunches whilst at camp but other than that, bring on my Mama's cooking!  It is the definition of comfort food.  The best part, of course, is she takes my WW seriously and into account whenever possible.  So even when I'm eating her delicious cooking, I know it's got my best interests in mind.  My mom rocks. 

I'm just in good spirits recently and I think they're going to continue improving.  I feel like I'm slowly getting control of my life in some aspects, and that only helps me in figuring out how to be in control of other aspects so eventually I have my life on the track that is best for me.  :)  Hooray.  It's not perfect, I'm not done, there's a lot that's still out of control, and a lot I'd still love to change, but for now I will relish in the success of progress. 

It's a new dawn

Uh oh, I titled this blog with a song quote.  Can't recall if that's happened yet, and don't care to check.  But the reason is of course, I'm Feeling Good.  (cue awesome jazzy riff)  I got my hair did today and well, it's freaking awesome.  I have been jonesing for this change for awhile, I thought long and hard on it and knew it was right and then couldn't wait for hair cut day and today was the day and now it's passed but it was awesome.  As soon as my hair goddess lobbed off the first chunk (not long enough for locks of love, alas) and right on through when she started styling it, I knew I had made a great decision. 

You see, this whole blog is about change.  It's about my adventures in weight loss, as well as my adventures in DMA-land.  Both changes occur rather slowly right now and will hopefully pick up speed after the summer.  I'm starting to see and feel a difference in the weight loss front, and the DMA stuff won't really occur until I'm off visiting schools, but a hair cut, now that's something I can control right now.  So in a world of chaos and unknown I took something into my own hair goddess' scissors, and made a drastic change TODAY.  I must say, (to quote a favorite movie of mine) it's a good change!  It's a good change. 

Tomorrow is my weigh in for the week (I'm not really sure if anyone pays attention to that, sorry if that's redundant information) and after last week's epic loss I'm not so sure I'll compare.  I didn't make it to the gym as often, but I did eat well.  Last weekend's sporadic celebrations cost me on Monday but I think I made it back and hopefully lost more.  The idea of maintenance (though it is NOT bad, a defeat, a failure, an anything other than still not gaining) is daunting.  I'll know for sure tomorrow. 

Oh, it's a holiday weekend.  This could be dangerous.  I've been feeling a little ho-hum in the world of recipes.  I need to kick it up a notch.  And not with a recipe by Emeril, I just feel... stuck.  Hmm, that's not the right word.  Bored?  Fed up with cooking for myself?  Haha that might be closer to it than anything.  Won't someone come cook for me once in awhile?  But please, don't ask me what I want.  Kindly read my mind, and whip up the most delicious low-point meal ever seen by human eyes that is all for me.  I will repay you with at least a hug.  And probably some baked good.  I am an excellent baker.

A Comparison, of sorts

Let me tell you a little bit about why this summer is so strange for me. 

I am a busy lady.  I do a lot of things, I work a lot of "jobs" (it's hard to call music and theatre a job but I pay taxes so I suppose it is.  technically.) so my free time is typically very limited.  Anyone who reads this probably knows this to be true.  This summer, though, is different.  Obscenely different.  Last summer I was involved with 3 musicals that spanned from mid-April through the end of September and they each overlapped and for one day all 3 overlapped.  I also music directed a 2-week musical theatre camp, and tried to do some camping of my own.  In between that I saw quite a few Yankee games and made my way down to VA over to TN and up to NH.  If you're a smart cookie you'll see my point that I was busy.  I was busy, but I loved last summer.  I was a part of 3 incredible shows, 2 of which I won awards for, so boo-ya.  My trips to TN, VA and NH and all the Yankee games and camping were highlights.  I had so much fun but I didn't have a lot of time for me.  There weren't consecutive days that I had nothing to do.  There were rarely even days that I had nothing to do.  There was almost always a rehearsal or performance of some sort.  This is my life.  I love every minute of it. 

Fast forward to today.  I'm... working the musical theatre camp again.  I'll be going camping a lot.  I have a couple trips down to NYC planned with the rents.  Um... see what's missing?  I'm not involved with a SINGLE SOLITARY SHOW.  It's amazing.  Yesterday, I didn't even get dressed until 7:30pm.  I didn't have to.  I showered and put sweat pants on.  Today I got "dressed" by putting on my swimsuit and some capris with a tank so I could go to the beach.  I spent a majority of today at the beach.  It-was-the-best.  Tomorrow and Wednesday will be completely different but that's ok you see, because too much of this easy-peasy junk and I'd go mad.  So though I'd rather not have to do any work whatsoever this summer, I do know it's best that I keep busy even just 2 days a week. 

I'm also supposed to be researching DMA programs of course, and I swear, I'll get to it.  Just as you all help hold me accountable for weight loss, you will do the same for my research!  But today was my first chance to use the Empire pass after buying it and I couldn't pass up a great beach day.  It will rain eventually.  It always rains here. 

But when it's not raining, you can bet your behinds where I'll be!

It's happening

I didn't go to the gym the last two days and I ate more junk than normal because I'm sort of celebrating and I feel like crap today!  My legs are super sore like when you work out too much but I think it's from NOT working out and my tummy is off from the lack of, oh I don't know, anything nutritious!  All I want is a walk around some lakes and some grilled chicken with grapes.  And maybe tomatoes.  Roasted tomatoes sound really yummy right now. 

It seems I'm starting to get healthier, even a little bit, because two days back in an old habit and my body is pissed!  Not seriously pissed like "we're never speaking again" but more like "I'm more than a little bit annoyed at you."  So today I apologize and try to make it up to myself.  If I make it through this weekend and maintain this week or even lose more, next weekend I will treat myself to one lovely meal.  That's what I didn't do this time around.  I sort of spread a small celebration around amongst a baseball game and grad parties.  None of it was fulfilling.  I want yummy.  I want something so scrumptious I would be appalled at eating that any other day.  It doesn't even have to be obnoxiously fatty, but it has to be full of amazing flavors.  And probably Italian.  Let's be honest, it's some of my favorite food. 

Well now I've worked myself up to be all sorts of hungry.  Time to tame the beast and begin the healing process. 

A change for NYS!

I just watched the NYS Senate pass the bill legalizing gay marriage.  How historic and wonderful. 

Tonight especially, I <3 NY.

Holy Crap on a Cracker.

I think a few posts back I was talking about a goal being to lose 10% of my original weight.  I was totally wrong there, WW does it in 5% increments.  I also mentioned how I hopped on the scale earlier this week and found I was at my personal goal of losing 5lbs/month on Tuesday or Wednesday and was uber excited about that.  Today is official weigh in day and I did it at the same time I do every week (after wake up/morning business) and not only did I keep the 10lb goal I had met earlier, but I went even farther and passed my 5% goal!!  I lost 3.8lbs this week and I couldn't even tell you how.  Well, I guess I could, eat better, be active, don't over-eat... but seriously, 3.8?  That's ridiculous!  I didn't expect to meet my goal this soon.  So I set another goal of the next 5% which just gets me closer and closer to my ideal weight and moving into maintenance.  I can't really explain what caused me to lose more this week than others, but I don't want to focus on that.  1-2 lbs is manageable and healthy.  3.8 was a nice surprise to push me past my goal.  (of course I think it's wicked awesome and I'm super proud and all but I'm trying to remain realistic.) 

So a reward.  I said I would reward myself when I met this goal.  It's funny, I sort of feel like I didn't really meet it.  Like, tomorrow if I got on the scale it would go up and today would just be a fluke.  But I can't manipulate a machine and if it says I lost the weight than at least for today I did.  Right?  Does this even make sense?  Oy I'm not going to stress about it.  Instead, today is for celebration! 

Woohoo!

Which way to the beach?

I have a small confession to make.  I hopped on the scale today.  I wasn't going to, in fact I wanted to wait until Friday but I couldn't help myself.  What I saw was nothing short of amazing.  If I maintain this weight of today through Friday, I will reach my 2 month goal with a week left!  This weigh in could put me at the first 10 lb mark (from when I originally started, not with WW) which is only 3 lbs away from my first WW goal of losing 5% of my body weight.  Remember back when I started this I was complaining about rewarding myself for too little?  This 5% is my first real goal that I plan to reward myself with - one big old meal either home cooked or out at a restaurant, with no real regards for points.  I will eat well and small the rest of the day I'm sure and at this rate I probably won't come close to finishing whatever extravagant meal that is, but believe you me, it WILL be accompanied by wine.  :) 

It's just so cool to see it so close.  My sister down south reached one of her goals today.  I am so super proud of her and so happy for her.  This is hard!  It's so hard!  But everyday the planning, the portioning and the smarter decisions get easier.  I get a little excited to go to the gym, and now I just got an Empire Pass that gives me "free" access to state parks all around NYS.  I want to go to the beach.  All the time.  Once a week.  Maybe I'll start a weekly beach club and invite people to come with me.  I have so much more free time this summer, it's amazing.  Tuesdays and Wednesdays are out, unless I get up really early (HA!  yeah right...) and make a morning out of it, but the rest of the week if the weather's nice, bring it on.  I will go hiking, (walking) I will lay on a beach, and I will camp.  These are my goals for the summer. 

Ok these are the secondary goals to continuing to succeed on WW and practice more and research DMA programs.  Still, I like these goals too. 

Of course, the forecast here is all rain and storms the rest of the week but that's ok, it will help me catch up on the 25 hours of tv I have left from this past year.  Well, I think I'm caught up through March.

So next week I'm going to the beach.  Who's coming with me?

Retrospective thoughts

Last night was the closing of my latest show that ran for 29 performances.  I've never done that many shows before.  We had a small gathering afterwards and as you'd expect we talked about a lot of different topics.  One in particular that came up was the mixing of social circles between musicians and actors.  I was trying to explain that when musicians (pit musicians, for example) come into a show near the end of the rehearsal process, we haven't been a part of the camaraderie the rest of the cast experiences.  When I'm in the cast and have friends in the pit, I make sure to talk to them and include them as best I can.  Now this specific question being raised was why does it seem musicians don't mingle with the actors?  The discussion turned to the meshing of music students and theatre students in various schools and degree programs.  For example, when a "green room" (holding room/lounge used mostly by actors involved with a show) is full of actors, musicians typically don't know what a green room is, and once they see it full of a group of students they don't know, they're not likely to walk in and get cozy. 

So is this typical of musicians and actors?  I think it would hold true no matter what the two groups are.  Most people don't have the confidence to walk into a small room full of people they don't know and strike up a conversation just for the hell of it.  Now why is this so hard for actors and musicians?  Aren't we all artists? 

Yes, but look at it this way.  The similarities between the arts of music and theatre are nearly endless.  It involves personal creativity, working through a process to try and achieve a certain product, some measure of talent makes the process a little easier, and when the product leads to applause, most artists feel fulfilled.  A lot of this can be said of visual artists as well.  The difference here is music and theatre collaborate more often than others, which brings us back to the question of why these two groups don't immediately mingle. 

I have some theories, and I'm interested to hear other thoughts, but the biggest one that logically comes to mind is that many musicians (pit musicians specifically, in the world of collaboration) play instruments that involve their mouths.  They read their single line of music, and when they all do it together, the score is the result.  Drummers play loudly and can't hear anyway, and pianists are too busy reading multiple staves to be able to worry about talking to people.  ;)  (ok I'm sure I'll get some haters for that one and to you I say: relax.)  Joking aside, the pit musician is a hired professional who comes in, does their job, wants to get paid, and leave.  If theatre is not a passion of theirs, getting chummy with the cast typically holds little to no interest.  It's rarely personal, it's the way of the musicians world.  That lifestyle is not a social one - not in the rehearsal.  Socializing comes afterward, usually at a bar, and usually with adult beverages.  This is the one place I see the most mingling occur.  Actors enjoy a post-show beverage and many pit musicians appreciate the same.  Let the chit-chat commence. 

I wish I didn't have to say this, but I've learned enough about the internet to say that clearly this is not a blanket statement about all actors and all musicians.  These are my opinions.  If you disagree, write your own blog.  With regards to this topic, I'm somewhere in the middle as I've music directed/been a pit musician and acted in numerous shows.  I have a few dear friends (musicians) that I hire whenever I can that always connect to the cast and always come out with us afterwards.  I've also worked with actors that hold zero respect for the work the pit puts in.  It goes both ways and no one statement can ever encompass an entire group.  Like I said at the start, it was an interesting topic and I gave it some more thought and though the idea of musicians and actors mingling makes sense on paper, they're really different art forms that shouldn't have any expectations thrusted upon them.  Actors and musicians rarely like being told what to do.

Update:

A quick entry to update my week.  This week I had hibachi on Monday, saw a movie on Wednesday and ate popcorn and drank soda, ate a slice of pizza on Thursday, and still lost 1.6 lbs!!  I planned accordingly, made sure I had extra points for when I needed them, ate better the remainder of the day when I'd be eating something high in fat, and worked out a ton (especially Thursday).  I'm so happy because this just goes to show that you don't have to starve yourself and you don't have to give up what you love just to lose weight. 

I'm happy.  :) 

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend and to all the fathers out there, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!  <3

Stress free is the way to be!

Starting things off with a friendly PSA.

Since starting this blog last Monday, I've gotten FB comments, texts, some blog comments, messages, e-mails,  and statements in person from people telling me they've been reading and enjoying my blog.  Then they go on to tell me how much they will support me in this endeavor.  Sometimes we'll talk about each others struggles, sometimes we share recipes, but sometimes it's just a message of support.  So to all of you, I say a heart-felt thank you.  I'm sure you can imagine how it feels to me, but to hear about it from people in all different areas of my life, everyone being so supportive and even saying I'm an inspiration makes this so much more... fun.  It's exactly the kind of thing I needed to keep me going. 

Today is a perfect example of this.  **end PSA**  I left my show feeling rather sleepy as I was up late last night chit chatting with my doppelganger and it was warm and sunny after a few days of being cold and rainy.  I thought about just turning left out of the parking lot and heading home; taking a nice nap, eating a light lunch, then setting about my day.  Well then I thought about the people that have already been so supportive and help keep me going and how this is the exact situation I needed them for so I turned right and headed to the gym.  Fast forward a half hour.  I'm half way done with my elliptical time and I start to think maybe I'll only do a half work out today, go home, nap, eat lunch etc... but again, I thought about everyone who is being so supportive of me.  I didn't want to let myself down afterwards and then have to come up with some lame excuse to put in here for why I didn't do a full work out or any work out.  Again, I did not get fat by being honest, I'm not gonna lose by lying.  <-- love that. 

Ok speaking of being honest, it wasn't all inspirational music montages of me busting my ass at the gym and feeling great because you support me!  I moped, I whined in my head, I thought about taking it easy, then I thought about the scale and what I want it to say.  I thought about the dunkin donuts wake up wrap that I had and how that wasn't going to burn itself off.  I thought about seeing a movie tonight and how much I loves me some popcorn.  I also thought about some less than nice things I've heard in the last 5 years or so (because, let's face it, I have a hard time letting go of criticism).  So all of that rolled up together surrounded by a big hug of support pushed me through my hour and I completed my work out.  Now all that's missing is the drive to get off my bed and get in the shower.  But I have to teach today so I know I will. 

Speaking of the scale, it is evil.  Pure evil.  I'll weigh myself upwards of 5 times a week and every week the weight goes up around Wednesday, but it (for the last few weeks) has been coming back down by Friday, my official weigh in.  It's too late though!  Once Wednesday hits, my brain gets stuck on the number going up.  You don't have to tell me how weight fluctuates in a day and definitely in a week and it doesn't mean a thing and it's usually just a good poo, because I know all that.  What I'm saying is I think I need to weigh myself less.  I have two trains of thought on this one. 

1.  if I weigh myself multiple times a week and I can see if I'm staying on track or if I need to have some better days to make sure I meet my goal and lose that week. 

2.  if I don't weigh myself multiple times I won't have to deal with the anxiety of seeing the number go up mid-week.

• but if I don't weigh myself as often and the number goes up at the official weigh in, I'll be even more upset because I should have seen it coming.
• or not having the stress of seeing my weight go up mid-week could be a good thing and continue to help me lose.

I am torn. 

I suppose I could do some research and see what the "studies" and "scientists" say, but it's way more fun drawing my own conclusions, using my own super powers of logic, and deciding what to do that way.  Why not?  It's TOTALLY worked for me thus far. 

Small Successes

Sometimes the smallest successes are all I need.  The whole motivation behind starting this blog came as a result of my 2nd crappy weekend in a row food-wise.  Well, the food was delicious, but it set me back weight-loss wise.  So my small goal for this past weekend was to not let that happen.  To keep myself within my points and hopefully maintain and/or lose over the weekend too.  The result was I maintained my exact weight from Friday which means I did it!  I didn't make the most healthy choices but I did pay attention to portions and if I made some bad decisions I counteracted them with better ones throughout the rest of the day.  As it stands, I just had a nice small lunch because I know I'm having hibachi for dinner and that's a points nightmare.  :)  I'm looking forward though. 

The other small success that I wanted to share from this weekend was a friend of mine asked if I'm losing weight!  This is the smallest question you can ask that makes the most amazing difference in my day.  It felt wonderful for someone to notice a change, no matter how small.  I think I see it too sometimes but I don't want that to distract me.  Either way, it put me in a great mood for the rest of the night.  (My amazing shoes helped too...)

Now I'm in survival mode for this week.  The show I'm in closes this Saturday which means I've done 23/29 shows and let me just say, I'm ready.  I love the show, I love love LOVE this cast, but I'm ready to close.  We just went through the most stressful weekend I've ever experienced in a show and the cast pulled through each and every time.  We even added an extra rehearsal on our ONE DAY OFF and everyone but 2 came.  How cool is that?  These are really awesome people and I am happy to be working with them. 

I always thought of myself as a stressed eater, meaning if I felt stressed I would eat but that's just not the case.  I realize now when I'm stressed I want to shut down and simply not do or be a thing.  I was so tempted to lay in my bed after the gym and sleep until Sunday.  Clearly this couldn't happen but that was a way stronger urge than eating.  So instead I scheduled a massage for myself and in fact must be off so I can head on over.  To quote my favorite band, Candid - (paraphrasing of course) maybe THIS is what I need.  :)

[title of blog]

So yesterday was the big day.  My weigh in as well as my most tempting day to binge and ruin everything.  The weigh in was quite successful whereby I lost 1.6 pounds this week!  The temptation to "celebrate" (ie: make bad decisions) was there and I am happy to say I did not cave.  I did eat unhealthy food, but not too much, and I accounted for it in points and I ate smarter the rest of the day to balance it out.  Today I followed my points and ate good foods and feel back on track though I didn't really feel "off-track", just nervous from an evening out socializing.  So hooray for me, a small goal has been mostly met.  Tomorrow is Diz's bridal shower and there will be snacks as well as the 7 dozen cupcakes I spent the last two days baking and frosting, (chocolate with vanilla frosting, funfetti with chocolate frosting, french vanilla with vanilla frosting, black bottom cupcakes which are chocolate with a cream cheese center.  all frosting was made from scratch, with love.) so again it is a chance for me to practice portion control and awareness.  When there are chips and dips, I mindlessly mange with no regard for how much I'm eating.  I love salty snacks.  They are my happy place.  Sweet things I have an easier time avoiding and resisting.  But put anything with cheese or any sort of dip with any sort of chip in front of me, and I'll be licking that bowl, thank-you-very-much.

I'm a bit torn in the world of blogging.  I'm not sure how personal or even how specific to make this.  I have no qualms about the specifics of my weight loss and DMA challenges, but when it comes to the personal lives of myself or those around me, I think it's safest to err on the side of caution.  I mean, especially as I'm entering the professional world, the internet is the perfect place to research candidates for DMA programs or future teaching positions. 

My brain is mushy.  There was more I wanted to share but nothing I type makes sense so I'll try again when I'm more aware of what I'm saying.  I will say I got a new cookbook, and that's always a good day.  :)

epic frittata

I just made the most amazing frittata EVER.  I took leftover steak that already had an amazing marinade, chopped it up with garlic, onion, and a tomato, added one egg and a 1/4 cup of shredded cheese.  For a side I had two mini garlic mashed potato pancakes and I doused it all with fat free sour cream and salsa.  13 points and I am FULL and SATISFIED and best of all it tasted AMAZING.  (I do believe this calls for the caps)  This is how "dieting" can be.  Omg that was so yummy.  I need to make more steak so I can make this again. 

SOOOOO GOOOOOD!! 


I'm starting to get the impression that for me, food and mood do more than just rhyme.  

The only other thought I have to add right now is a small concern because of a change in my regular schedule, I've put the gym at the end of my day.  I haven't done this yet, but I'm hoping I'll follow through.  My weigh in is tomorrow and the more activity I have the better.  I'm feeling good for this one, but need some encouragement to make it to the gym after what will easily be a long day. 

Dang that frittata was good.

Perspective Changes Everything

Perspective on ones self:  Today I hopped on the scale to see I made it back to where I was before this past weekend and even a little below.  All of the sudden I "notice" a difference when I look in the mirror.  When I applied lotion "wow, my leg muscle feels tight!"  All because of a number on the scale.  These changes may actually be occurring but I wouldn't notice them if I hadn't already been looking since the all-powerful scale said change is coming! 

Perspective on ones friends:  A couple I know was hitting a rough patch in their relationship.  Of course I side with my friend, and the partner is completely in the wrong and so rude and insensitive.  They have since had a rather mature discussion (funny how communication can work) and instantly there's a difference.  The same comment that last week would be insensitive is funny and sassy today. 

Perspective on food:  The more success I find with proper planning and making better choices, the more likely I am to continue planning.  It takes 21 days to build a habit.  3 weeks of eating well and making smart choices?  Bring it on. 

Perspective on relationships: 

The jury is still out on that one.  I don't think it wise to add another flailing aspect of my life to this blog, but it seemed worth mentioning as my perspective on relationships changes almost daily.  I will say, however, that's part of the point of this whole weight-loss endeavor --  More confidence in myself which I hope translates to more confidence in meeting people and who knows, maybe even go on a date.

Maybe.  That's a big maybe.  Again, let's just deal with the issues at hand. 

To recap:  two good days in a row with smart food choices, more fruits and veggies, lots of activity and lots of water.  19 to go.  The game is afoot!

Danger Will Robinson!

I was unprepared.  I planned breakfast and lunch but did not plan dinner.  The time came and I was rather hungry.  Being rather hungry means I don't want to stand and fiddle with a new recipe and wait whilst it cooks because I am rather impatient.  So I needed something fast.  I checked in with the sister down south to see what she might recommend and she had a good idea (boiling chicken, shredding and adding BBQ.  We DO happen to have some Wango Tango) but it didn't sound yummy.  I wanted something yummy.  I also don't have a lot in the house as I will be heading to the zoo (grocery store) after this.  My first step was to play a few rounds of spider solitaire.  (I lost both times.  That 2-suit is HARD but for some reason I keep on playing.)  Then I made my kitchen rounds, checking the cabinet (yup, still full of pasta), checking the freezer (yup, meat is still frozen and I don't know what I'd do with it), and checking the fridge (yup, still have those leftovers that have a lot of salt and a lot of points.  Diz really needs to eat those.).  Then I saw the eggs and a delicious, low-point, filling, light bulb went off.  5 minutes later, I have an egg, broccoli and cheese omelet with wheat toast.  Yum. 

crisis-averted.

So now I attempt the ever-daunting task of groc shopping.  I'm just not good at picking up fresh foods and using them before they go bad.  I have all these great ideas, then life gets in the way and food goes bad.  So my goal for this trip is to stock up with a few essentials I notice pop up in lots of recipes, and not try and buy things to cook every night for two weeks.  Homey don't play that.  I really should know that by now. 

Oh I'm just so proud of resisting the urge of picking up food while I'm out.  I could have used my 15 points at Wendy's and stayed within or gone over a bit into my extra points, but then I'd be all water-logged (btw I totally met my water goal for today!  Booya!) from the salty foods and I'd feel guilty.  Remember, NO REWARDS UNTIL A STINKING GOAL IS MET!  A big goal.  Not my "don't eat like crap on the weekend" or "be smart at the store" goals.  On top of resisting that temptress Wendy, my meal consisted of some power foods.  Foods designed to keep you fuller longer. 

I'm kind of boring myself right now.  Sorry for this one, I wanted to share my anxiety-turned-success and just started roaming. 

**scene change**

a young lady is missing from Indiana U.  This is frightening for so many reasons.  Jenny-Lyn Watson (apologies for miss spelling) was all too recent and that didn't end well.  On a personal note, Indiana is on my list of schools to research.  I suppose crime rates weren't on my original list of things to check when doing research but I suppose it can't hurt.  My hopes are that this young woman is ok and that the worst is over for her. 

That brings me to my current state of DMA (pronounced d-mah) research.  How does one compare schools when searching for a good fit?  I've gotten as far as checking out the faculty, and the graduation requirements of a few schools.  (Dissertation vs lecture recital vs some combination)  So I research faculty and I find some places have professors who only have a BM because once they were done at school they went right off to the Met and performed for 25 years.  Other schools have more than one faculty member who graduated from the very same school.  Other schools have a mix of what appear to be performers and teachers.  My question is, where do I go from here?  What should I be looking for?  I had this idea that a school that hires their own graduates may not have as many differing teaching styles as I may look for.  But whenever I say that out loud it sounds like a silly reason.  The fact is, I need to start having reasons to audition at specific schools and not others. 

I don't trust the internet.  This is my other problem.  I don't know how to believe half of what I read in people's bios or on school websites.  I'm looking to spend the next 3 years of my life (the years in which I leave my 20's and enter my 30's, I'll have you know) somewhere brand new and I need to make sure it's a good fit.  I'm flexible.  I will adjust to many situations as necessary, but I think for the DMA it should be a mutual fit.  So here's my next question: how can I know what my research is showing me? 

Let me lay it out.  I want to teach at the collegiate level.  I want to find a position that offers health benefits, an office, and maybe even tenure!  (The first two are clearly more important.)  I have many of the skills I see listed in job postings already but preference goes to candidates with a DMA.  This leads me to believe my next logical step is obtaining a DMA.  I can't see myself just frolicking off to any old well-known school just so I can get the degree and start the job hunt.  I want it to be worthwhile.  I want the experience to be as amazing and fulfilling and surprising as my first two degrees were. 

Which brings me to my final question, how do I find a school that can offer me that?

My Constant Dilemma

I am nowhere near mastering or fully understanding weight watchers.  I'm going to try and explain my brain a bit which may be the worst idea of my day but what the hey, if not here, then where? 

This happened the last time I joined.  I would think about how many points are in certain foods, I would know how many points I had in the day and I would want to make sure I stayed within my allotted points.  Then comes the questioning and rationalizing.  In my head, eating more than 4 points at once seems extreme.  This can be true for snacks, a light breakfast, and even a decent sandwich.  But for me to feel satisfied or have a complete dinner it requires the use of more than 4 points.  So when I'm looking at recipes or figuring out the points of a potential meal, I get frustrated and disregard many options because I think it's too many points to spend at once.  But then I go and eat a serving of chips with my sandwich and have some fruit juice totaling 10 points.  Does this make sense?  Well no, but it's something about the idea of eating one meal or one dish with more than 4 points.  It makes me feel like I'm binging.  This is why I say I haven't figured WW out yet.  I'm not supposed to feel bad about eating.  I just have to make better decisions. 

So that was my dilemma today (I just realized dilemma is spelled with two m's, and not a single n.  Woops...) especially when I'm in recovery mode from this weekend.  But I did well none-the-less.  Diz and I took a walk to the bucks to visit T, I got a mocha frappuccino light that's only 3 points (booya!) and got a solid hour and a half walk in to boot.  Tomorrow I have another show and will be making my triumphant return to the gym, and then I teach all day.  Lessons are a good distraction from eating.  So long as I have some good options there for me, it keeps me from sitting around being bored and constantly thinking about food.  Which is the worst.  I have a few leftovers from previous meals but I'm gonna have to cook again soon.  And shop.  Shopping twice in one month.  This is new for me. 

Question - any idea why the hardwood floors and linoleum kitchen floor would be dangerously slippery rather suddenly?  No one waxed, no one mopped, one day our floors turned into a slip and slide.  Sometimes fun, dangerous in heels.  Any thoughts would be welcome. 

WW Post 2

This weekend was terrible food-wise, but oh so fun socially.  I keep doing this thing where I will work my rear off all week long only to think I deserve a little less strictness on the weekend.  Unfortunately I start my weekend on Friday and go right on through until Sunday.  I hop on the scale Monday to see all of my efforts of the previous week gone.  I assume some of the weight is from water-retention because I do love the salty snacks/foods and I'll be hitting the gym all week again but seriously, if I didn't let loose every weekend and just stuck to my plan imagine how much MORE I could lose?? 

So this is my goal for this week:  to stick to my plan and points through the weekend.  I do not get a freebie, no special snack, no day w/o tracking.  Not until I meet a weight loss goal.  I think a good reward for the first 5% is a nice meal where I don't track but it has to be a reward.  And I have to earn it.  Simply surviving 4 days isn't going to cut it.  I will not lose weight by working 4 days and relaxing 3.  If anything, I'll maintain.  I don't want to maintain.  I wouldn't be here if I wanted to maintain. 

I need more immediate support in my town.  I have to find people to help hold me accountable all the time. 

The search begins.  As does the work this week.  If I am to continue losing, I have to put the work in.  I have a lot of free time this week.  It would be well spent making recipes, planning meals, restocking the fridge with fruits and crystal light, and figuring out other foods to eat besides pasta. 

I will not feel defeated from 2 bad weekends.  I will learn from them and make the improvements.  This has to be the summer I do this.  Gahhh!!!

WW Post 1

I joined WW about 5 years ago to mixed results.  I lost weight but didn't make any lifestyle changes, merely tried fitting WW into my existing lifestyle.  If my lifestyle worked, I wouldn't have needed WW.  I lost about 13lbs but fell off the wagon and gained it all plus more back. 

Skip ahead to 2011.  I weigh the most I have ever weighed.  I'm usually a really busy person.  I work what feels like 7 part-time jobs to make a full-time paycheck.  Working out and planning meals was not a priority.  Sleep and preparedness for work was.  This summer, all this has changed.  I have a more open schedule than I have ever had.  (As my mom puts it, I work my ass off 9 months of the year, so I can "relax" the other three.)  As it is, I usually work through the summers but this time, I've consciously decided to take it easier.  This brings me to May.  I made a goal to lose 5lbs/month hoping to set up great habits now and carry them through into the fall and beyond.  Then I saw my sister who joined WW in March and has lost 16lbs.  (So proud!  So inspirational!)  I remembered what I liked about WW and what didn't work for me.  (Meetings)  I was at the gym and saw 3 commercials for WW online and decided to check it out.  Two weeks later, I'm down 3lbs, met my goal for my first month, and feel great.  Well, mostly great. 

I feel more motivated and ready to make the necessary changes to my eating habits.  I enjoy working out (most of the time) and am cooking for myself more than I ever have.  I portion, I track everything, I work out... but I have to be honest.  I am impatient.  Since May 1st I've lost 5lbs.  (3 officially on WW) I'm really happy about that but I don't feel or see a difference.  Intellectually I know this takes time before I can feel and see the differences and I just have to keep on keeping on and enjoying the journey.  But intellectually I know it's not right to eat everything on my plate and go to restaurants 4-6 times a week.  Obviously my intellect is not the most persuasive. 

I think the biggest change besides the better schedule to make this happen is I'm being more honest and building a small support system.  Before I did WW nearly in secret.  I was embarrassed about admitting I was overweight; as if that would alert people to something they didn't already see.  This time, I'm telling anyone who asks, and I'm staying in touch with my sister (who lives across the country from me.) and we cheer each other on.  It's helpful because it holds me more accountable for my actions and I know I'm going to get the encouragement I need to keep going. 

On a message board last week someone posted (paraphrasing) "I did not get fat by being honest, I will not lose by lying."  I love the idea behind that because it's so true.  I lied to myself daily that when I stood a certain way the clothes looked fine, or going up one size wasn't a huge deal so long as I looked good doing it, or when I die, I want to be full, or saying I'm in shape, round is a shape!  No more!  I must move forward, change these images I hold of myself, see the goal and go for it.  I've accomplished a LOT in my life so far, and all because I wanted to, put the work in, and smiled the whole time doing it.  Weight loss can be the same.  No, weight loss WILL be the same. 
 
So here I go on what should hopefully be the most exciting and rewarding journey of my life!  Who's coming with me?

Getting Started

I have blogged before,  never seriously, and never with purpose. 

This time though, I wanted a purpose.  You see, I joined weight watchers again with the hopes of finally losing the weight I've been carrying around for years.  They have a blog option on the website, but if you're not a member you don't get to see it.  I don't really do a lot with the community on the website so for them to follow me, well it may be helpful but it's not really why I would blog.  I want people I know to be able to follow what I'm doing.  So I thought, maybe I'd start a weight-loss blog.  The more I thought about it, I didn't just want it to be my weight loss.  I am also in the midst (or at the very beginnings) of researching DMA (doctor of musical arts) programs at schools across the country which means in one year from right now I will be planning the biggest move of my life.  Basically, there's a lot of "new" I'm trying to deal with.  I started thinking about a common theme but weight-loss and DMA research didn't really work together.  As I thought and let my mind wander, I realized I'm looking for change.  As is the case with myself, my sister, and many musical people in my life, I immediately thought of a song from a musical.  This song from William Finn's musical "A New Brain" became title of this blog.  It really is all I want.  I want to change my physical image, I want to change my position in life, I want to change my surroundings. 

You see, I am very good at settling down and being comfortable.  For example, my rent is good, my income is steady-ish (at least I've started figuring out a system to make it that way), I have a fabulous circuit of friends and family, so really why would I want to change any of that? 

The answer, now, is simple.  I am settled and comfortable here, but I work my ass off to do it.  I piece together anywhere from 3-6 part-time jobs to make a full-time paycheck.  I make it work though it becomes a scheduling nightmare, but I make it work.  I love everything I do which makes me insanely lucky, but it's exhausting.  For me to make a comfortable salary and still do what I love, the next step is a DMA.  For me to feel at all comfortable with myself and find some personal satisfaction in this work, the next step is weight-loss.  It took awhile to realize these things, but now, you see, it's simple.

So changes must be made and all I can say is I'm trying.  But I need help.  I can't do this on my own.  My next post directly after this one will be copied from my WW (weight watchers) blog.  It explains where I'm coming from on the weight-loss issue.  I tried to be really positive and motivational but the post after that (as far as I made it on there, the rest will all be posted directly from here) is less so. 

This is an adventure.  An adventure from home, but an adventure none-the-less.  I'm aiming for equal parts weight-loss and where-the-heck-am-I-going-to-be-in-a-year but knowing me, tangents will occur.

Happy Trails!