It has been 6 months since I've been to the gym. This will change tonight. I have my bag packed, and I'll be hitting up the gym tonight after my last rehearsal is done. I realized I can only go twice this week, but, really? "Only?" That's two more times than I've gone in the last 6 months. That is an increase of 200% over the last 24 weeks. This is a good thing. I've been stalled for too long. I still see the goal of weight loss and I still want my clothes to fit better/looser/be way too big and oops, gotta go shopping. I also have to get back on WW. I lost almost 15 lbs last summer from these two factors. It was hard but not stupid hard. It took time but not all of my time. Now that I'm done with auditions and Eleanor, I have Sweeney Todd and myself to focus on. I'm trying to start saving money for when I move so getting back on WW and going to the gym won't add any extra cost. I've been paying for both of these this whole time without really using either. I have to try and fix that. So it will start tonight. I'm up until midnight anyway, so why not be productive with that time instead of watching the food network which only makes me go to bed feeling hungry? I'll give this a try and hope it works. Often when I don't go to the gym it's because I'm worried I'll be "missing out" on something else. Pretty sure this is a curse from my childhood that I may never get to go away. That is for a blog of a different color though. For the last couple weeks I've actually had some evenings to myself which is nice and awful. It's nice because, I'm home! I'm not doing other things! I can relax! It's kind of awful because... well it makes me think. I start thinking about spending another evening sitting alone on my couch watching tv or playing on the computer and I get a little lonely. Then I get upset because I'm feeling lonely. Then I feel guilty for feeling lonely because I'm not exactly lonely. There are plenty of people I could call up or text or potentially hang out with. (Though that number gets smaller the later it gets. I know I have the odd schedule here.) If I'm going to be honest, and why shouldn't I be honest? If I can talk about weight loss endeavors and audition madness, I should be honest about this too. I'm more lonely that I don't have a someone. I want to have a someone that will sit on the couch with me and completely ignore me if they want to, but they're there. They can do their thing, I can do mine. (Did you see how I just used all three there/they're/their with no problem whatsoever? IT'S NOT HARD PEOPLE!!) Once in awhile we chit chat, or share a glance or a touch, but it doesn't have to be anything major. It's just some companionship. But it's also more than that. Companionship can be shared on many levels with many people. I have some amazing companions in my life. I'm also getting better at allowing myself to be the real me around these companions, and look! They're still hanging around! So obviously I have friends. I hasten to use the word "boyfriend" because that doesn't cut it. I don't care about a title, and honestly, titles can be really intimidating. I do care to let the world know if I have feelings for someone and they have feelings for me, and we can share them openly because doesn't that feel great? It does. It feels great to be able to say to anyone I consider my friend that I am in a relationship and it is awesome! You see, many of my relationships started out in really strange ways. Most of the time, I'd be hanging out with a guy and then we'd be hanging out so much it turned into a relationship, and for my own reasons I never liked to call it that, but then one day I'd be okay with calling it that but I still wouldn't really say that to people, and by the time I realized what I had it'd be over. Repeat.
I've had love. I've had passion. I've had companionship. I miss them. I'm lonely. If I weren't moving, I'd get a dog. An adorable puppy with boundless energy and so much love to share. I would be the best dog owner in the world. My life does not warrant a puppy right now. I'm not home enough. I'm moving soon. I have no idea what my schedule will be like at school. So as much as I'd be a great puppy owner, I'm not a moron and I know getting a puppy is a bad idea. Speaking of moving, it harkens the question "Is it worth seeking anything since I'll be leaving so soon?" You know what? Yes. Yes it is worth it. I am worth it. Most of my relationships only lasted 4-6 months so at this point I could have an entire relationship before I even leave.
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That was all written Monday evening. It's now Tuesday evening but I liked what I had so I kept it. I did go to the gym and it felt great. Came home and showered, had a cup of bouillon, and went to bed. I have my bag all packed for my next trip to the gym so I'm looking forward to that! I want to do this again. I'm going to. Now, to carry on with the tangent that turned into the focus of last night's post...
I'm stuck in an endless cycle. "They" say you can't be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself. I don't always feel happy with myself when I'm feeling so lonely. I am making changes, I am pursuing my doctorate, I will be moving and bettering myself, I am trying to continue losing weight and I am trying to make positive changes to myself in the form of not justifying every single thought I have. Now sometimes, when I do the last one, some more of the "real" me comes out, and guess what? The real me can be a bitch. This adds another layer of issue I try to deal with and that's the guilt. I feel guilty for causing any feeling in someone else that isn't some form of joy. I cannot stand the feeling of having someone unhappy with me. It eats away at my soul. So until I feel like I can be okay with saying my feelings and potentially making someone upset but that it won't ruin a friendship, and until I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see, and until I feel like I have someone to be with, I won't feel truly happy. But if I'm not happy then I can't be happy in a relationship. But if I don't have the companionship of a relationship to help remind me that I can be happy, I won't be happy. Do you see what I've created here?
I'm so tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of feeling lost. I'm tired of feeling like I need to have all of the answers when all I have are questions.
I'm also tired of trying to put my feelings into words when my moods keep shifting so I have to end this here. I know this blog wasn't about me in relationships or my feelings about that matter, but this is where this blog turned to and who am I to stop it? Now, if only I could get all of these sappy love songs out of my head...
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