F!! F, F, F, F, F to me!!!!

I started a blog about 3 times in the last month and a half with the goal of updating you on the post-audition events that have occurred.  I can't even say I was too busy to do so, I just started writing a few times and... didn't like what I had to say.  So I stopped.  But this time I'm writing for realsies.  And now, for the update.  In mostly chronological order.

On Valentines Day I received my rejection letter from U. Colorado Boulder.  This was mildly devastating.  I can't say that I was sure I would be accepted everywhere I applied, but I did start listening to everyone who pretty much said I would be accepted everywhere I applied because they know how much I've accomplished and how hard I work and how much I have to offer... basically, they know me.  So I started breathing in their confidence, and after hearing so quickly from Indiana and UNC Greensboro (UNCG) I thought it was only a matter of time until I received my other two acceptance letters.  When the rejection came, I decided I wouldn't post about it until I heard from Michigan.  This was for two reasons.  One was I needed time to accept the fact that a school had rejected me.  It's all a part of life, it's all for a reason, make lemonade, blah blah blah, optimism at its best.  I'm not discounting being optimistic, I'm saying that at that time I felt like a waste of a human being who should re-think their career plan.  (I hope you see why I didn't post about that when it happened.)  The other reason was I wanted to have an answer from Michigan so I could say I've been accepted by 3, and rejected by some foolish school, or that it was an even split, but hey!  I still have options!

A few weeks pass and I have yet to hear from Michigan so I send an e-mail politely asking if they had made their decisions, when I might hear, I had such a great time on campus, thank you for the positive experience, I look forward to hearing from you, etc.  When that rejection letter arrived, I was more prepared. 

When I didn't get accepted to Michigan, I started thinking about why.  Why wasn't I wanted at these schools?  Why didn't they want someone they could practically hire as an adjunct (if not full professor, if I say so myself) to be a student there?  I could teach just about anything voice related and many things non-voice related.  I am a good enough singer, I have better piano chops than most any other singer that attends that school, what's not to want?  At this point I thought back to some conversations I had with some teachers and mentors who went through a similar process and remembered talking about looking at programs, rather than teachers.  I made it my goal to choose a program that suited me, not a teacher.  I wanted to be sure that I could get a well-rounded education from the school I chose so I never made an attempt to meet with any teachers.  (Many singers will take lessons while auditioning to get a feel for the faculty and see if there is someone they'd like to work with if accepted.  This also allows them to make an impression on the faculty and become more desirable.) 

Do we see the problem here? 

I never made any personal connections to any faculty at Michigan or Boulder.  I remained, for all intents and purposes, a teacher on paper, and a soprano on stage.  Those of you who help encourage me and remind me of all of the great things I've done and can do know that because you know me.  You talk to me and have seen me at work.  These schools heard me sing and maybe read my resume.  Everyone makes their resume look great and everyone has great recommendation letters written on their behalf.  For me, the difference is I really have accomplished everything on my resume, and much more that I left off because it would be too long.  So without a personal connection, no one had the chance to meet me and hear/see what I really can do so therefore there was no one on my side during the decision-making process to say "We want HER.  Let's make sure she comes here." 

A tough realization, but I think pretty accurate. 

That left me with UNCG and Indiana.  About 2 weeks ago I received an offer from UNCG that included an out-of-state tuition waiver (meaning I would pay in-state tuition), a nice stipend, and health insurance as part of an assistantship package.  I would teach studio voice, and either class voice or diction.  I was surprised and excited because this was the kind of thing I was hoping to receive (from all four schools) though a full ride would have been preferred.  I hadn't heard anything about finances from IU so last week I wrote both schools an e-mail.  I wrote UNCG asking if I could get the in-state tuition waived for one year (when I become a resident of the state, the out-of-state waiver becomes an in-state) and I wrote IU asking if they were gonna give me any money.  UNCG wrote back saying they couldn't offer that to me, and IU requested I call to chat.  (That was a specific professor I was in contact with.  Not like, the president or something.)  I called IU, explained my offer from UNCG, and the professor told me to e-mail the financial aid head and explain that all to him.  I did that this past Friday and on Saturday I had an offer from IU in the amount of $19,000.  It's a musical merit scholarship.  This number looks INCREDIBLE but when you break it down, I still pay out-of-state tuition and that money has to stretch the full year.  If I took the minimum number of credits I could make it stretch with about $2,000 to spare but I don't want to be limited to that amount.  It also does not include any teaching which if you read back to any post about my DMA, the entire purpose of this process is to better myself as a teacher.  So I wrote an e-mail to IU asking about teaching assistantships, explaining what my passion is, how I want to teach and I want a program that will allow me to do so. 

That brings us to today.  I also received another e-mail from UNCG upping my offer to include an in-state tuition waiver for the first year which means I wouldn't have to pay a penny to attend school there.  So I called my cousin who is finishing his doctorate and was just hired to be the director of choral activities at Vanderbilt University in Nashville because he is amazing.  It was so great getting to talk and bounce all of my thoughts off of him.  It's not that you all can't get it, but you don't necessarily get what kind of a decision this is for me and how much every little detail matters.  To the schools, I'm just another applicant that they deal with on a yearly basis.  For me, this is the biggest decision I've ever had to make and I felt like I was completely alone in trying to make the right choice.  I knew I had to decide for myself, and I knew I wanted to make an informed decision but I also wanted to hear from someone that I was going about this the right way and maybe get some extra insight.  This is precisely what Tucker provided and I felt so much better when I got off the phone. 

I realized that I was hanging onto the thoughts of IU because of their name and reputation.  Most people in the music world know of that program (and many who are not in the music world) which makes it stand out.  UNCG is small, but everything they're doing is great.  So I had to sit down and honestly compare the two programs and offers.  Did I want the school that would set my resume apart from other resumes because of the name?  Or did I want the school that would set me apart because of the experiences I would likely receive from going there?

In order to compare, I asked myself, what will I do at both schools?  Where will I be at both schools?  How much will I make at both schools?  And what will I be called at both schools?  To explain what I mean, I asked myself what are the expectations of me?  To sing or to teach?  Where am I located?  A college town, or a real city?  How much will I make?  Nothing, but incur out-of-pocket expenses, or actually make money?  And the kicker, do I get to say I am an alum of Indiana University to near instant recognition, or explain about the growing program at University of North Carolina Greensboro to those who've likely never heard of it?  This is a tougher decision than you may ever understand and I only list it all here to give you an idea of what's been going through my mind for the last few weeks. 

But I did it.  I made a decision. 

I am a logical human being and I like to plan for my future.  I like to know that I am doing what it takes to ensure I will be as big of a success as I can possibly be and to be sure I am making the most of this life.  Indiana will open many doors for me after I graduate, but what would I have to say for myself after I graduate?  What if I don't get cast in good roles?  What if I only attend class, sing sometimes, and watch "better" singers complain about how they have to teach when they really don't want to? 

Nope, I'd rather build my resume with possibilities and opportunities and add to the already growing program at UNCG so maybe one day they can look at me and say "She made a real difference here." 

So tonight at about 11:45pm I sent my acceptance via e-mail telling UNCG that I will be coming to their school this August to start work on my DMA. 

It's done.  I did it.  I decided, I chose, and I got what I wanted. 

I can't say I was a master negotiator, but I did ask for what I wanted and what I think I'm worth, and eventually received just that.  Some of you may read this and think "Of course you chose UNCG.  Look at what they offered you!  And it's warmer!  Palm trees!"  (love you princess, seriously) but it was so much more than that. 

I feel great about this decision.  I feel great because it's made, and it's finally done and now I can start planning for the big move, but I also feel great because I am going to do amazing things at that school.  Things they have never seen before.  I am going to earn every penny they gave me, and build some professional relationships that will take me to the next level and beyond when I start the job search. 

It has been an incredible journey, and there are too many people to thank for helping me get through it.  It took me awhile to be able to say out loud that a school hadn't accepted me.  Now I have to get used to the fact that it's done and I have chosen and I am ready to move forward with phase three of the 5-year plan.  (Research schools, apply/audition, move)  I'm moving.  Out of state.  South of the Mason Dixon Line. 

Well gol darnit, y'all I best get to work on my sweet tea recipe!