I sang for the MET National Council Auditions today. This is the competition that when you win, you simply say "he/she won the MET." It's a big deal competition and I was glad to be even a small part of it. I didn't place, which is fine. I learned a long time ago to accept disappointments as they come and to move on having learned something from the experience. Today was no different. Only today, I hope I learned a long-lasting lesson. I waited for 2 hours (no lie) after awards were given to talk to the judges and receive feedback. I wouldn't say it was a waste of time, but I think I blew that opportunity when I started explaining my desire to teach and how that's what I've done and want to continue to do but I understand performing to be an important part of that and want to be able to have tons of experiences to share with my future students. The judges then chatted with me about doing more and how important experience is and how it helps as a teacher and how playing piano is a good factor in all of that and so on, and so on. I appreciate their advice but after waiting two hours it would have been nice to hear a little bit more about how I sang TODAY. You know, do I have any right in trying to sing professionally? Is it something I could pursue? It felt rushed and not entirely useful but they did hit on something I reflected on for the hour and a half drive home. One judge mentioned the similarities between being a fearless performer and a fearless teacher. I thought to myself, "I'm not a fearless performer, but I'm a fearless teacher, I think." Upon further reflection... "Actually, I'm not a fearless teacher. Hmph." I question myself a lot and worry sometimes about the wrong things with my students. It's really the questioning that I refer to. I don't believe I have lead any students astray. As a performer, my self consciousness has always been an issue. I fear being judged in life and though I had made a resolution to judge others less, and I've stuck to that, I haven't worked out how to get over my fear of people judging me all the time for everything always. This seriously inhibits my acting when I am in a studio or audition situation. When I'm in opera rehearsal, I throw everything at the role. Why is that so different? I'm not sure entirely. Part of it is knowing there is blocking already and that the hard part of that decision is taken care of. Part of it is having props and people to sing with, and part of it is the comfort that develops with a role when you're staging. Can I then treat my audition materials the same way? Block them out as a director would, have other people there in my mind and add props for rehearsal? This takes a level of commitment that I have yet to find in my work as a singer. Why have I never done this? Well it took awhile but we've come to the point of this entry.
I am so damn tired of making excuses for everything I don't like.
This realization started this past Monday when I was grabbing a drink with my friend Ryan before heading back to Greensboro the next day. We were chatting about our lives and what our next steps would be in our respective careers and I mentioned the need to perform more and summer programs and why I haven't applied for any and he basically looked at me and said "I dunno, Bridge, it sounds like a lot of excuses." I wanted to defend myself (and likely tried to, I'm sure) but in the end he's exactly right. I didn't want to audition for summer programs because they cost money to apply, to make a recording, to get head shots, to mail it all in and then it costs even more if I were to be accepted. The real problem is I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to be told "no." Being told "no" means being told "I'm not good enough." Though I know this to not be true, my self-doubt thinks otherwise.
Tonight, even though I didn't place, I had a glimpse into what a life of performing, (or trying to perform) could be like. I was listening to all of these other singers talk about work they've done, programs they've been in and people they know and I wondered how they could know so many of the same people but after chatting with some of them for 2 hours I would love to see some of them again. I could see how you'd reconnect with another singer and instantly bond over being in so similar a situation. (Living the dream of a performer, as it were.)
You see, I don't take nearly enough chances. I know I'm good at things like teaching and music directing, and singing at a local level or succeeding in a place I feel comfortable. But I am in this unique situation where I don't have to have a job right now and I don't have to be confined to one place because of family or work. Now is my time to take chances, fall on my face, and get back up better off than I was before. (Or take chances, and succeed?) I can no longer ignore or brush off performance opportunities that involve auditions because I'm nervous I'll be rejected. By not even auditioning, I'm rejecting myself, and though that is a freaky sense of control for me, it's still an excuse and I am done with those.
So I hope to move forward from this pushing myself a little harder. I want to do more and really fix the same vocal issues that have been pointed out to me for years. I can't build muscle memory with the amount of practice I have done until this point. I will work harder and I will take more chances. I will be starting small by auditioning for two programs this summer. I will be making recordings for both, and I will be getting some head shots done. I will find a way to make it work financially both in the short run and in the long run, and eventually when I am a teacher, I will be able to help my future students take this same step because I experienced it, lived it, and survived.
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