So I turned 30 a couple weeks back. I can honestly say I was looking forward to it. As I've said many times before, my 20s were fine. I'd even say they were damn good. But they were by no means the decade that will define my life and my accomplishments. No, I looked forward to turning 30, and will remain optimistic for the coming decade.
The funniest thing I've noticed is people's reactions to my age. I'm involved with a summer program here in Greensboro and have met a bunch of new and wonderful singers. As we've gotten to know each other, the subject of age comes up and every time I say I'm 30, someone stares at me blankly, clearly calculating, and usually follows with some exclamation of my not looking my age. They think I'm in my early 20's. Aren't I in my undergrad still? I even had to show one girl my ID. Now I find this all immensely flattering and love that I look younger than the number associated with my length of time inhabiting earth, but it makes me think. Three weeks ago, I was 29. All that has really changed in that time are the numbers I use to state my age. When I was 27, 28, and then 29 I started hearing from more people that I didn't look my age at all, I looked much younger, maybe early 20s. I'm used to this response. But I never got the reactions I get now, and the only difference is a couple of weeks. It begs to be asked, how do we picture 29 year olds, and how different is that from how we picture 30 year olds? Essentially, and especially at my state, we're talking about a difference of weeks. We hear that someone is 30 and (let me be clear, I'm speaking mostly to the early to mid 20's crowd.) think of what it might be like when WE turn 30, but since it's so far away, or such a milestone, clearly we must look different when it finally happens.
Well, all I'll say is I will really enjoy redefining 30 for the younger generation while enjoying the youthful glow I've been blessed with thanks to my awesome parents! (Seriously parents, rock on for young faces!)
The title of today's blog does hold a bit of a double meaning. A year ago today the lives in my family changed forever when Stan's husband died. I knew this day was coming, and I tried to prepare for it, but in actuality I didn't know how. When last night rolled around and I still didn't know what to do, I let myself fall into a bit of a daze and let habit carry me for awhile. To be honest, I hadn't felt that lost in a long time. See, it's not just Steve's death that's on the mind, it's his son's 4th birthday, and being away from my family for all of this, and wanting to be there to even, just be there and do nothing about anything. I'm learning more about the difficulties of dealing with death when you live alone and in a different part of the country. Sure, I've grieved and sure I had said my goodbye's and I know everyone is okay and will be okay and will continue to live and move forward. I know Stan is in good hands and lives every day with a smile and a positive outlook because there is just no reason to live any other way. I get all of this. But I don't get to experience it daily. Being here, I can sort of, ignore that part of life, bury it underneath school or my busy schedule. Now, there is not a single solitary day goes by that I don't think of Steve. Let's get that straight right now. I guess all I'm saying is without being there, literally there with the family, I don't get to move forward with them. I deal in my way, they deal in theirs, I sort of - miss out - on the chance to just look at someone and say "you know what, today kind of sucks." and have them look back at me and say "yeah, I understand." I have wonderful friends here who get it and who I could say that to, but it's just not the same as saying that to someone that went through the same thing, with you.
I wasn't sure if I would go through with posting all of this. I don't want to be drudging up old feelings or forcing people to relive last year. But I've also seriously struggled with how to deal with this down here, and understanding that I have to do this a little differently, and sort of on my own, is helpful and necessary. Like I said before, we are a positive-outlook kind of family. We do not waste time dwelling on the negative. Find the good in everything you see and do, and let that be what pulls you forward. I started today feeling lost and clouded. After a meditative walk in the rain, I was able to bring myself back to the present and accept that today is a day that was going to come. I had to accept that today happened. But tomorrow will also happen. Today does not have to be confusing. Today can absolutely be about celebrating my nephew's birthday and remembering his father in any way that seems appropriate. We have to bring the past into the present so we can more aptly move into the future. It's a delicate balance, and I'm going to screw it up a few times, but I'll get the hang of it. After all, I'm in my 30s now, so clearly I'm ready to take on the world.
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