First off, a bit of a celebration. Not only was it my birthday on Friday, but I managed to lose the 3 lbs I posted about last week. It took work but not super hard work, and it took a commitment to going to the gym and not eating everything delicious in sight. I haven't hopped on the scale since the birthday weekend which I can guarantee you I did not track a damn thing, so I'm sure I'm playing catch-up this week, but I was proud of my accomplishment.
How was my birthday? That's so nice of you to ask! I had an amazing weekend. My homo-lifemate, Dave, came up from LI to celebrate with me and, well, we celebrated the crap out of it. I also got to see a lot of people I love and care about so that's really the best part of a birthday. I used to hate when I worked on my bday because, work sucks. Two birthdays ago I had the day off so I met a friend for lunch, then went and got some dinner with Jim and the Fellows, then we hung out and watched a movie. (Princess and the Frog. Not sure why I remember these things.) Overall it was a really nice birthday, but uneventful. Last year, I taught all day and my students repeatedly wished me a happy birthday, some even coming back after their lessons with sweets and other small gifts, then I had dinner with Col at Texas Roadhouse, went to Click Clack Moo rehearsal where everyone sang to me and we shared cupcakes, then out to see an acoustic set at a bar with a bunch of my best friends. It was wonderful! So this year was kind of a mix of the two. No lessons or rehearsal, but I did have some friends over and went to a bar afterwards and I truly made it into a birthday weekend which I really enjoy doing. And now, I can announce and start planning for my 30th which is next year!! At first I figured I'd celebrate down in NC but my family is paying for a round-trip flight back home so I'll actually be home at some point near or on my birthday! (This is all pending what the schedule is like at school. It's right around the end of classes so it may not be the easiest to up and leave but we'll make it work! We always do!)
So I guess I'm inviting you all to my birthday next year. I'm cool with that. You seem nice.
I feel myself counting down to things a lot. I'm always looking forward to the end of the semester. I'm waiting for my "busy" schedule to lighten up. Let's be honest, my schedule has been CAKE this semester. Unfortunately that has been reflected in my bank account. I think I had a revelation today when I was getting excited and sad that the semester ends tomorrow. I know I look forward to these things. I think "Wow, only 4 weeks left! Then vay-cay-shun!" Then I think about how I have no money to do anything extreme this vacation and I get sad. Then I think about moving and leaving everyone and everything here and I get extra sad. So then I try not to count down but I can't help it, as long as I've been in school, the vacation has been the best part! So I tried to remember a time I didn't realize how soon the end of the semester was coming or that I wasn't looking forward to something ending and I believe the important factor here is money. I don't count down to the semester being over, (though not working is sometimes > working, just not always.) (Okay, having zero responsibilities > having any responsibilities.) I count down to paychecks. I look forward to things ending or dates approaching so I can get paid. Money. There were times that I had plenty. A thriving checking account, all of my bills were paid off except the car and student loans, I bought whatever I wanted, I traveled when I felt like it, I saw Broadway shows... now I have a good savings going for my moving fund but I am struggling paycheck to paycheck because I'm not doing so much this semester. I also racked up the credit cards paying for all of my traveling for auditions. I'll survive, don't get me wrong, and I don't mean to sound all "pity me!" I just realize that the need for money is a big part of why I feel the need to count down to the end of everything.
So here I am, at the end of my time at SU. 6 years I've spent at this school. 2 of them as a student, 5 as a teacher. (One year overlapped, for those who are ready to tell me my math is wrong. Relax Rainman.) I've been anticipating each paycheck and my birthday and a little vacation that now it's here and I have to start accepting the fact that I will no longer be an employee of Syracuse University. Sure, maybe for now, maybe forever, I'm being all dramatic, blah blah blah, shut up this is my blog. Go be sensible on your own blog. It's just another round of goodbyes and the end of a major chapter in my life. This is the last constant in my life that will be ending before I move. I never questioned having a job because as I try to do everywhere, I made myself as indispensable as possible so I had pretty good job security. Now for the first time in 5 years I don't know what to expect for next year. Unknown! Ahh!! So scary! Run and hide and never look back! Change is important and in this case change is very good. I am so excited to move and start another new chapter in someplace so new and different and I'm pretty excited to see how this changes me. I feel like I am on the brink of some major self-discoveries, I just don't know what they are or when they'll occur. But I have this feeling inside that I can't ignore and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about who I really am and who I'd like to try to be, or at least how to make myself a better person.
You see, I asked myself one day, "How would I describe... me?" and I couldn't come up with actual descriptors. When I came up with things, they were descriptors of how I hope I'm perceived, or how I would like to be perceived. In acting school they talk about how you can tell how a person REALLY acts when they are alone. Everyone is different in their own home than they are, say, in the workplace or at school. So I started paying closer attention to how I am when I'm alone and I started coming up with some better descriptors. The first being: goofy. I am goofy. My family would simply state I am a weirdo, but I think goofy covers it better. I laugh and laugh at puns made by other people or at puns I come up with in my own head. I dance like an idiot around my house, I have conversations with myself, I think simple things are hilarious and I like to see the humor or joy in everything I can. Things are funny. People are funny. I think I'm hilarious sometimes.
I am also quiet. I love the quiet. Noise is one of the worst pollutants of the world. Useless noise makes it hard for me to focus and adds tension to my already tight shoulders and neck and back.
I also judge too much and too swiftly. This is one I'd like to change which brings us back to my self-discoveries. I don't like being so judgmental about so much. My girls and I have a saying of simply "no judgies." It allows us to be ourselves and share our stories with the knowledge that no one will think any less of us afterwards. Why can't we all be like that? Why can't I be like that all the time? I've come a long way from where I was a couple years ago when I would justify every sentence and thought before sharing the actual thought in case someone might misinterpret what I'm trying to say here so as not to offend---
Good lord that was an annoying trait.
But being so judgmental all of the time is such a negative thing. I have not come CLOSE to mastering this, but I try. I try to catch myself and say "Bridge. Seriously, stop judging. Relax, you'll be fine, life will go on, it will not impact the rest of your day. Let's move on." Sometimes I have to be harsher with myself when I start judging someone for a specific reason that may or may not be out of their control. When I write it down here, it looks so mean. Yet, haven't we all done that? Today even? Why? How insecure are we all that we feel the need to belittle others to make ourselves feel better? What, so because we don't say it to someone's face that makes it okay? That makes it better than bullying? Maybe so, as we don't directly hurt someone's feelings, but who's to say it's any better? To be honest, I fear being judged so much that it has crippled me in so many facets of life. But I do it. I judge people. The thought of someone judging my friends or my family members makes me so angry. But still, aren't I judging other people's friends or families? I know every reason for why it is so useless to be so judgmental. I just have not found a way to stop myself. I hope that by catching it shortly after the fact, reliving the situation and realizing I don't need to have those negative thoughts, will turn into me catching it before it happens.
I guess I'm saying I'd like to improve my overall moods and outlooks on people and life and I haven't figured out how, but I know there are problems, so I will try. That is all I can ever do, is try.
Now that I've shared my thoughts, I am curious to know, how would YOU describe me?
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